Ask Andrew – Should I stay if I’m not in love
When you are not in love and you have nothing much in common (Have you found your other half?) does it still makes sense to stay together? Wouldn’t you end up feeling trapped and miserable?
Andrew writes:
It’s a good question and my answer depends on your circumstances. If you’ve met someone who looks good on paper and other people think you should marry him but there is a strong voice inside saying: ‘he’s nice but he’s not for me’ I think you should listen to it and walk on by. Otherwise, you would probably feel trapped, miserable and worse still, you would have made someone else miserable too (when you owned up and decided to leave). Worse still, by this point, there might be children and then you’d be making a whole family upset.
However, if you’re already married, it’s a whole different picture. I think you owe it to the other person to be honest that you love them but you’re not in love – and do it as soon as possible, when you’ve still got enough energy to try and make things better. Not when you’ve switched off all your feelings, pretended it doesn’t matter and ground yourself down until you’ve got nothing left to give. Sadly many people leave it this late, so when their partner tries to address the issues (and solve some of the underlying problems) they tell them it’s pointless.
Does it matter if you weren’t desperately in love when you married? I don’t think that’s the end of the world (if that’s your circumstances). How a relationship starts is not a cast iron prediction of how it will end. If you have respect for the man, the ability to resolve disputes (rather than bury them), warm and tender love-making and the support of your families, I think that the embers of liking can be stoked into something far stronger. However, it needs good relationship skills and that’s what my seven steps series is all about. Read ‘Resolve your differences’ and ‘Help your partner say yes’ to get the best out of each other. In addition, get my new book about sex ‘Make Love Like a Prairie Vole’ which comes out soon. Ultimately how well you communicate is just as important as how much you love (because good communication promotes love and respect).
