Ask Andrew – My wife is still cold even though I’m really trying to make things better
I, too, have been on the receiving end of ILYB and am pretty devastated by it. My wife and I (35 and 34 yrs old respectively) got married in May of 2010 and promptly got pregnant. We had some sexual dysfunction issues that she really was concerned about. At first I put it off, but once I realized it was causing issues, I went to a dr to figure things out. I have had issues with lack of drive which turned out, in part, to be a low level of testosterone. I’m now on a supplement which is dramatically improving my drive.
But I think things really took a turn for the worse when she got pregnant, which happened during our honeymoon. Suddenly, she was nesting and nagging constantly about everything -from the lack of organization in the house to her dissatisfaction with our neighbourhood, etc… The house no longer was enjoyable to come home to at night.
She would even make little snide comments about her love for me when I would prod her about why she was being cold to me. I chalked it up to hormones and hoped things would return to normal after the baby came.
But, things didn’t change when our daughter arrived in January of 2011, and in fact have gotten worse.
After a bout of coldness one evening, I finally confronted her about why she was so mean towards me, and that’s when she told me basically ILYB. I asked her if thing were over or if she still wanted to work on things (the wrong move, I realize now after reading your book). She said at that time that she wasn’t ready to give up “that if I was going to leave, I would have been gone already”. She also said she doesn’t feel we see things the same way and that we lack things in common.
I started seeing a sex therapist to address my own demons, but the conversation quickly turned into relationship therapy. My therapist asked if she was willing to come and talk to her as well, which my wife agreed to.
Our first session together, my wife said that she feels like she can treat me the way she does because it’s easy to (she used the analogy of a sibling) and that she didn’t feel bad or upset when I confronted her about the coldness. She said she SHOULD have felt bad, but didn’t. She also said that she believed having a child was not a good reason to stay in an unloving marriage. (the baby, and in fact the marriage was something SHE pushed me for, BTW)
At the end of the session, she agreed to come back with me again and in general it seemed she was willing to listen to the issues, but was non-committal about her desire to proceed with it.
Flash forward a few weeks, and I caught her in a lie about who she was with on an evening out. I don’t believe she cheated but she did lie about being out with an ex. This was the first and only time I’ve ever really doubted her. I confronted her again and it turned into another ILYB conversation.
This time, however, she didn’t say that she HADN’T given up yet. She didn’t say anything, when I pressed her about if she was willing to fight for us. She just kept saying she was confused and needed time, but didn’t want to rush into a decision.
I took it that she just isn’t prepared to live on her own – she has become accustom to a certain lifestyle with our duel incomes and likes our living arrangement. She also said we didn’t have anything in common – I pressed for more info and said we didn’t make time for each other and needed to start. She suggested that the reason was that neither of us wanted to make time for just each other (I don’t agree with this)
As a result, I went out and read your book ILYBINILWY. I devoured the information and bought a book for her (without her knowing it). I also scheduled us a new therapist apt. During the appt., I shared with the therapist that I had read your book and it shed a lot of light on my situation. I asked if my wife would be willing to read it as well, and she said she would. However, to date, I’m not certain if she’s read any of it (she’s had it for 2 weeks)
We talked through issues calmly and felt okay leaving, but still there’s a sense of coldness on her part.
As for me, I’ve been implementing change, showing her loving affection, doing more around the house, rubbing her shoulders, chasing her around for sex – she is fairly receptive to that when she’s not tired from baby duties. I’ve also made a point to start watching more tv shows with her after the baby is asleep, suggesting we do things together on the weekend, getting involved in things that she as an interest in, etc..
She still does not “repay” the favour and is generally cold – not icy, but enough to know that something still is not right.
I guess I’m just feeling that she isn’t putting in really any effort to our relationship, like she is on autopilot until she can leave. I love her dearly and don’t want to break up our family unit. Is there any hope? If so, what can I do?
Andrew writes:
First of all, I want to congratulate you on listening to your wife and addressing some of the issues that are making her unhappy. You’ve worked really hard and it is disappointing that you’re not getting any response.
So what’s the sticking point? It could be that she feels that you’re constantly asking for reassurance and that there’s still hope (and that’s pushing her away). It could be that’s just exhausted from having a baby and all the changes that brings about. (She’s lost her old life but she’s not really certain about the new one and feels cut adrift.) However, I wonder if you are so determined to make her happy that you will do anything for her. Of course that’s what love is all about. However, it’s not healthy if you will turn yourself inside out, do things that you don’t agree with and let her walk all over you. I suppose the word that comes to mind is RESPECT. Does she respect you? If you treat someone badly (like she freely admits) and they just suck it up (like you seem to do) then that further undermines your opinion of them and permits even more coldness (and worst still, encourages more disrespect.)
The going out with an ex, makes me think about her previous partners. When I counsel a lot of single women, I see a pattern where they oscillate between bad boys – who give them an exciting time but leave them high and dry and nice guys (who treat them well but the women don’t feel they same excitement – because there are no highs and lows – and they worry that there’s not a big enough ‘connection’). I wonder if you’re the nice guy who gave her everything she asked for – with a cherry on top – and now she wants chocolate sprinkles instead.
So what do you do? First, stop asking for reassurance. It is understandable but makes you come across as needy and that’s not attractive. Next, stand up for yourself. If you disagree with something, don’t roll over but make a stand and tell her your viewpoint. I explain how to be assertive in my book ‘Resolve your differences’ and this will explain what I mean. I would also look at my book ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ as I think that has dented your confidence.
So can I offer hope, of course I can! If you can change – and begin to respect yourself – she will sit up and take notice. If she doesn’t – and can’t value your inherent decency – then that’s her loss. OK you won’t be married, but you will have grown and become a stronger person (who will attract people in the future who will respect you.) Either way, you’re a winner!
All the best.
