Ask Andrew – Does it matter that my partner never felt strong limerence?
I have been in a committed relationship for the past 2 years. Last month my boyfriend dropped the “ILYB” bomb on me. We both read the book together and realized we definitely love each other in a long term sense. He has since decided he wants to be married in the next year.
However, one interesting point I realized is that I was the only one in the “limerence” stage during the first stage of our relationship. He did not have those strong feelings (always wanting to be together etc.).
Is it a bad sign that he did not ever have strong limerence feelings towards me even though he is not “in love” with me?
Andrew writes:
Your boyfriend sounds really nice. He had a problem (ILYB) and he told you about it (rather than burying it and hoping it would go away) so that when you came up with something that might help, rather than being half out the door, he read my book, thought long and hard and decided to get married. In fact, I will change that from nice to great!
So should you be worried about him not having a deep form of limerence? Firstly, lots of guys are very rational and don’t let themselves go (and therefore enjoy the full delights of limerence). Secondly, limerence helps bonds people together but what really matters for the long-term is good relationship skills. From his reaction to you giving him the book, he could be on the way ton achieving that.
Having said all that, I think you have to be careful. Some of these rational guys can hit 40 and in their mid-life crisis worry that they missed out and be ripe for an affair. But that’s only a small concern and you can take precautionary steps.
1. I would make certain that you get your relationship skills sharpened (so you can head off any problems). Look at ‘Help your partner say yes’ and ‘Resolve your differences’
2. I would attend to your sex life. Often these super-rational guys let their tenderness and intimacy needs come to the surface during love-making. So although you might think ‘he’s only after sex’ he’s really trying to get close. In the hurly burly of marriage – and certainly children – it is easy for women to put sex on the back burner but this feels like a terrible betrayal and rejection to these men who express their softer side in the bedroom. To understand more, please read my new book ‘Make love like a Prairie Vole: Six steps to passionate, plentiful and monogamous sex.’ (published Feb 2012)
Good luck.
