Ask Andrew – Is our relationship worth fighting for?
My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months. The beginning of our relationship was very intense and we fell in love very quickly spending nearly every day together. After 4 months together I began getting aggravated and annoyed at every little thing that shouldn’t have even fazed me, even now I’m not certain what caused this, looking back I think it was we were spending way too much time together coupled with a string of family illnesses as well as a short period where I was quite I’ll myself. We argued a lot and have been on the brink of breaking up several times. I feel constant stress about this relationship as over the past 2 weeks I have been discovering more and more what she really feels and that is that she doesn’t love me any more. I really feel that the first 4 months of the relationship are worth fighting to return to but I know she doesn’t feel that way. For her it is a case of “At least I can say I tried and if things get better in the mean time who knows”. I’m not sure a relationship can be saved if one party has that attitude. We’re trying to fix things by being completely honest and spending less time together as she says she feels the way she used to when seeing me after a day or two apart.
My other concern is I now feel I’m distancing myself too. Trying to avoid being hurt so badly if things go wrong. We’re both unhappy now and I feel I’m constantly asking for reassurance of stability that doesn’t exist. I don’t know if this relationship is fixable or what I need to do to fix it but I am willing to try anything. I have been told to see a GP about anxiety issues etc and I wonder if separation while I sort my self out is a good idea or will she use that time to fully mentally check out of the relationship. In all honesty I feel what will make me happiest is to break up and start “dating” again to see if feelings develop again. Does this seem like a good idea? I Would be so grateful for any advice you could give me.
Andrew writes:
Relationships are complex and difficult things and I’m not surprised that you’re confused, anxious and need advice.
So let’s start with this relationship, I’m concerned that it has hit problems so soon – especially as the first six months is the crazy, walking on air part of falling in love. To understand how love changes over time, please look at my book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’ It will also explain how important it is to be honest with each other (rather than burying problems) and not to lose site of yourself in a relationship (so that you don’t bury the ‘I’ in the ‘we’.) So I’m pleased that you’re spending some time apart (as well as together) and trying to resolve any day-to-day issues. It could be those two elements might be enough to put you back on track.
However, I’m also concerned that you’re distancing yourself from your emotions to prevent getting hurt. I know it makes logical sense but it can easily lead to a disaster. Firstly, we need to understand out feelings to make informed decisions. Secondly, suppressing emotions can easily come back as depression. Thirdly, our feelings are normally telling us something! In this case, I’m hurt and need time to lick my wounds, understand what went wrong, learn from my mistakes and move on. Going out dating other people just sweeps all the hurt under the carpet – might seem good plan in the short term but it leads to problems in the mid and long term (as you are your girlfriend have found out by not talking about the niggles). My hope is that you and your girlfriend will be able to rescue something but if not, please look at ‘Heal and Move On: Seven steps to recovering from a break-up’.
The more you understand relationships, the less anxiety and the better connections…. so get reading.
