Ask Andrew – My wife is looking for her soul mate and doesn’t think it’s me
My wife (reluctant to use that term) of less than a year (relationship total of 5) recently revealed that she had an affair with another man. It lasted a few weeks, although they were in contact for months afterward (even after she revealed to me what had happened and we had started trying to sort things out). She also told me that she didn’t actually want to get married to me but felt pressured to do it and was planning on leaving me even before she met this other guy.
Since the reveal, we lived together for a month or so where tried to sort things out. We dated some and had sex quite a bit. We also argued some, where she would often defend this guy against my criticism of him for pursuing a married woman and saying more or less that he was just misunderstood. She also said she really honestly believed that he was her “soulmate.” It may go without saying that he revealed his true colours (he was also sleeping with two other women who didn’t know about my wife) and she admits that he was not what she thought he was.
She moved out of our house and we took a month off from any contact. When we got together again, she told me that she missed me and that she wanted to try to see where our relationship went. That was a month and a half ago and we’ve hung out once or twice every week and talked another once or twice a week on the phone or email since then. We had sex a few times right after we reconnected and then things got a bit strange. She said that she didn’t want to have sex again because it felt like she was doing it out of obligation. We’ve done some good in depth talking about our issues and also had some fun nights out where we specifically decided to leave the heavy stuff at home. Last night, we went to a comedy show and dinner where she told me that she still doesn’t want to have sex with me. Which is kind of fine but I get the feeling she’s trying to steer things toward being just friends. She claims that it’s not that she doesn’t find me attractive (she says when she is attracted to someone else they always remind her of me). But she doesn’t want to rip my clothes off and have sex with me. She says she feels like I am her brother (she has not opposite gender siblings so I don’t know how she knows how that would feel). She’s also talked about not being sure about whether or not she wants kids or if she wants to move out of the city either; things we talked about (and I thought were agreed upon) before we got married. She also mentioned being nervous about things going back to the way they were if we start living together again, amongst other things.
I’ve read ILYB and CIETYA and have made some good strides on my own: acknowledging my role in the breakdown of the marriage that lead to the affair including my anger, control and money issues and not showing my love and affection in ways she understood. I’ve also done some travelling on my own and have generally spent more time doing things that I enjoy doing.
My wife has also read ILYB but she still seems to hold on to these ultra romantic ideals. The very fact that my wife thought (still thinks?) she has a soulmate (and clearly I am not it) leads me to believe that she has a somewhat immature take on love and relationships. That and she seemed offended last night when I suggested that even if we get past all this big stuff, there are still going to be moments in our relationship when I don’t like what she’s doing or she doesn’t like what I’m doing and tension and anger may exist. She admits to not properly communicating the problems she was having in our relationship and seems to know that marrying me and then sleeping with some other guys probably wasn’t the best way to go about things.
She’s not keen on seeing a marriage therapist (we saw one for a few weeks before and after she revealed her infidelity). But she is going to see some woman who is a movement specialist (?) and also provides some sort of counselling. This woman more or less tells her that because my wife feels okay about what has happened, there isn’t much wrong in what she’s done. She’s at odds a bit with her family (who feel embarrassed by what’s she’s done and have shown me more empathy and support than they’ve shown her) and has chosen to be among friends who aren’t judging her.
I don’t think she’s a bad person. I actually think she’s much more the woman I fell in love with than the one I’m dealing with now. And I feel that I made a clear-headed decision to propose to her two years ago and then go through with it and get married. And when we talked before we got married about people giving up too easily on their relationships, I really meant it. I guess she didn’t. So I’m obviously questioning whether or not I should continue to try and save this thing when I feel like I’m being stonewalled by her “I don’t want to have sex with you, let’s be friends” attitude. Any more I can do before I give up on this thing? Any other advice?
Andrew writes:
I except you know how I feel about soulmates (but I explain in full in this article: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2048434/Why-searching-soulmate-stop-finding-love.html ) But I also agree with your wife that there has to be more than paying bills, bringing up children and friendship. So how do you get out of this stalemate?
Now I’m sure that you’re full of passion as well as being sensible but somehow it’s not coming across to your wife. So maybe it’s time to look at how you are communicating. Just because there are lots of scum bag guys that are using the ‘romance’ language to pull the wool over women’s eyes – doesn’t mean that you can’t learn a thing or too. So please look at ‘Help your partner say yes’. I think you are a Senser (practical and rational). Nothing wrong with that, deep down, I think that’s me (and probably why my books make sense to you). However, I also use my intuition too and consider feelings as much as an argument. My guess is that your wife is an Intuitor (who let’s feelings over ride common sense). Now you can give her all the logical reasons in the world but she wants to know about your feelings too.
Ultimately, I wonder if you need to step back. There’s an old saying in the world of sales: ‘People prefer to buy than to be sold to’. My guess is that you’re doing a lot of selling and the more that you point out all the benefits of your product, the less she is willing to buy. If however, you just talk about your feeling, explain how hard it is for you to be a friend and therefore need some space to think, she might – just might – change her tune.
