Ask Andrew – How do I get my husband back?
We were married in 2007 and also had a little girl 2 months later. We were both working full time jobs. I quit mine to be with our daughter for a year. Then he got laid off several times through out winter (he was in construction) we moved to be closer to a job that was offered to him. He worked it full time and then I got offered a weekend job in another town. He then was fired from his job. I took on another job and was working two jobs 7 days a week in another town that was a few hours away. I did this for half a year with out a day off. He was still unemployed but mainly because I told him that I wanted him to take a year off to be with our Daughter. His unemployment was mutual between us.
We decided to move to the town I was working in so that we could start saving money and buy a house. Later one of my jobs turned into full time so I didn’t have to work 7 days a week any more. Eventual monies got hard and I asked him to get a job. He began talking more about how he hated where we lived and was unhappy. We have lived in this town now for almost 2 years and he has been unemployed, watches our daughter and picks up the house some on occasion. I bring home dinner every night and have asked him several times to find a job or start teaching our daughter something. He continued letting her play all day long and didn’t try hard to look for a job. I was promoted in my job and have always worked long hours taking me away from my husband and daughter.
I knew that over the past year we have been having troubles and came to the point of us not really talking any more and many times I have wanted desperately to walk away but, I’ve always loved him and don’t see my life with out him in it. I’ve always been the one to want to fix it and make things work. He just spent the last 2 months in another state doing a part time potato harvesting job we continued to stay in our town being it was only temp. Recently he told me on the phone that “we don’t love each other any more”. Once he finally came home we talked and he said that he didn’t think that I loved him any more and so he fell out of love with me. He was unhappy for two years and doesn’t see himself being happy with me again. I told him that the feeling was not mutual and that he never told me that I wasn’t showing him the love he needed. If I had known I could of done something. After an extremely long night. The next morning before going to work I asked him, “If you can see any glimpse of staying married to me please be home when I get home” he was not there when I came home. Now that you’ve heard more then you needed. I need to know how to get him back.
Now that I know what I wasn’t doing to make him unhappy and that it is something I can do and want to do. I need help on reaching out to him the right way and bringing our family back together again. In your last article “My wife says it’s too late to save our marriage” at the beginning what the man is saying is pretty much my husband, the big difference is he left and not me. My husband is in another state with his mother and sisters.
Andrew writes:
If you haven’t read, ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ yet – please do. I would also throw in ‘Help your partner say yes’ and ‘Resolve your differences’ too as they will help with communication as that’s your main problem.
You’ve both been through a terrible time lately and when we’re stressed we batten down the hatches and concentrate on coping. Unfortunately, we’re so busy sorting out our own stuff that we don’t even begin to think about our partner and what he or she might be going through. So I would start by trying to write another letter about the last two years since your daughter was born by imagine that it’s him who is writing. What did he feel about losing his job? How much support did you offer? How did he feel about watching you work seven days a week? What rows did you have when you were tired? What about your sex life? Did he complain about that? As a mother – a really powerful position – did you support his decisions on childrearing or were you boss and he carried out your orders? How equal did the marriage feel? Really think about everything from his point of view and write it all down.
Losing a job is devastating for anyone – and doubly so for a man. We have been brought up to be breadwinners and if we can’t do that we feel pretty awful. Often we find it hard to articulate our feelings and can sink into depression. Worse still, we can be told to ‘buck up our ideas’ and ‘I’m exhausted and what have you done all day.’ Often it’s fair comment – and we feel guilty for being hopeless – so we shut up and completely shut off our feelings. Except you can’t chose which ones to switch off and soon they’re all switched off – even the positive ones – especially if we suspect that our wife does not respect us (the worst thing that can happen to a man). Finally, it reaches a point where it’s all too painful to face, so we retreat into ourselves or run away. Does this sound like your husband?
So what do you do? I would arrange to meet up and listen to him. Really listen – without getting upset (because that will silence him quicker than anything). Don’t look for solutions. Imagine every word he says is true (just for a minute). Don’t beg for another chance. Just listen. Repeat back what you’ve heard so you be certain you’ve heard properly. When you truly understand him – rather than assuming – and he feels truly heard, there might be a way back. It will take you to be the big one (and swallow a bit of your pain) but slowly, he will begin to re-engage and you can start to be a team again (rather than leader and follower).
