Ask Andrew – My husband has to go on business trips with his emotional affair partner
My husband had an emotional affair that ended in a kiss 5 months ago. Since I found out two weeks after that he begged me to forgive him and work on our marriage. We have been doing that and finally things are going better. However, one month ago he had to attend a course with this woman, which I was concerned about, but it went ok. They said ‘hi’ the first day and that has been all the communication between them. Now they have been partnered in the same group and have to take a trip together with other people too. It isn’t overnight and it’s a one time thing, but she is the only person he knows on this trip and can’t avoid her, and doesn’t want it to be uncomfortable. He says he has no feelings for her and I shouldn’t worry, while I actually believe him and am beginning to trust him again. The situation feels devastating for me. Any advice on what to do, or how to deal with this that would be appreciated.
Andrew writes:
It sounds like you’re doing really well after a nasty shock but I wonder if you’ve been doing too well. I hope you’ve read my book ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ where I try and stop people making instant decisions whether they will forgive or not forgive their partner for having an affair. Throwing him or her out, often means that you don’t get a lot of your questions answered (and that slows down healing). Conversely, I don’t want people to forgive too quickly either. Obviously, it’s fine to agree to work on trying to save the marriage. However, if you ‘forgive’ straight away, it means that your partner can relax and think everything has returned to normal. But it hasn’t, you’re left with this horrible feeling inside! And worse still he’s not really thinking about how to help you recover. So it feels like a big ask to have him going off on a trip and working in a small group together with this woman (especially so soon after you discovered their emotional affair).
So what should you do? When you’re feeling calm, I think you should tell him how this trip makes you feel – all your fears and what it will be like for you at home while he’s away. If you don’t throw in accusations and get angry, I hope he will listen and come up with some suggestions himself. Perhaps he can be transferred to another group? Perhaps he can do the course on another date? Maybe he might suggest something – like meeting up with you at lunchtime on the day of the course.
Similarly, I’d like you to think about what would help you cope. For example, regular phone calls and updates about the course – a commitment to tell everything that passed between him and her. (When he tells you, try not to get upset but report your feelings as an angry outburst will encourage him to clam up in the future.)Generally, it is important that you begin to ask for what you need – rather than hoping he will give it. (I cover this more in a chapter on being assertive in ‘Resolve your differences’.)
Finally, I want to give him some credit for realising that he was deep in the danger zone and stepping back from a full-blown affair. So thank him again for that. It also means that he should get some credit……. If this course is unavoidable, plan ahead. Make certain you’ve spending time with a friend – doing something nice to take your mind off it. If you find yourself flooded with pain. Tell yourself: worrying won’t change anything. I can drive myself nuts or I can channel this energy into sorting out my marriage, working on improving communication and looking at our sex life, so this will never happen again. (Hopefully, my books will help with this resolution.)
