Ask Andrew – My husband is having a ‘trial separation’
My husband of 18 years (been together 25years) told me recently that he felt we’d grown apart and he’d been unhappy for a very long time. I was shocked, devastated, upset and annoyed that he hadn’t brought it up sooner. I then found your ILYB book which has been a huge help to me and realised that yes we’d neglected our relationship over the years, but have always had lots of friends and social times and have always seemed like a ‘perfect’ couple to all that know us. At first he was reluctant to read it too so I was suggesting ways that we could improve things. But he wasn’t in that frame of mind at that point. So, after a few weeks he decided he needed ‘space’, a trial separation and got up one morning, told our 2 children -aged 12 & 15 (who had NO idea there was anything wrong) that he was going away for a bit to ‘think’. Our 15 year old daughter is no longer seeing/speaking to him and ‘hates’ him and our 12 year old son is hurting so badly and sees his Dad maybe once a week which is heartbreaking for all of us. I’ve been left picking up the mess he’s left behind! That was 8 weeks ago – he started staying at friend’s places but has had a flat now for the past 4weeks on a 3month lease. We are trying to meet up to keep the lines of communication open, but our last ‘date’ ended with me in tears and him saying that he wasn’t sure the meeting up was doing any good as I get upset and we ‘go over’ the same old stuff. He still can’t decide what he wants and we’re left in limbo. He has also read the book now, I have said that I can see the flaws in our relationship, so surely now we know where we went wrong we can work at it to put it right? But he keeps saying he’s ‘not in that place’ where he feels he can work at it as he felt he lost that spark a long time ago. He is also determined not to come back home until he’s absolutely sure there’s something there we can work at, because, quite rightly, he doesn’t want to come back and then leave again as he knows what a huge impact that will have. He’s reluctant to go to counselling with me or on his own. Friends / family have told me I should now keep my distance from him – he obviously still needs to have space from me, but how can we work at this if we’re not seeing each other?! Xmas is round the corner and he’s saying that he may not be back for that. That’ll be heartbreaking for me and the kids especially. Any advice please?!
Andrew writes:
I hate trial separations as it is extremely difficult to work on your relationship – by which I mean improving communication – if you live in different homes. You just get a few dates which are high pressure because you both want it to be fun but then you’ve got all these things that need to be discussed and when are you going to do them beyond being face-to-face? So you’re hurting, he’s being cold and angry and no wonder you’re crying. Worse still, moving back in again becomes so symbolically important that it has to ‘right’ and who ever know that?
So I’m not surprised that you’re upset and feeling under terrible pressure. So what do you do? First of all, stop working on your marriage! Next time you see him, tell him you love him and that believe that you can sort things out but until he’s ready to talk you will step back. This is not ‘keeping your distance’ but waiting for him to initiate contact or suggest a meet up – rather than something that you’re angling for. When he contacts, which he will so don’t panic, you’re calm and friendly but don’t initiate any discussions about your ‘problems’ or the ‘future’ that’s all down to him. Of course, you can bring up questions that need resolving like Christmas: ‘Would you like to have Christmas with us? What about Boxing Day, so I know for catering?’ Don’t push for him to spend the night or anything like that, just take it one day at a time. (See Coping Day to Day in ILYB). Please don’t make things harder for yourself by being dramatic. It’s Christmas – such a special time – and it will be ‘heartbreaking’ (as it can easily be a self-fulfilling prophecy.) Instead tell yourself, it will be really tough this Christmas but we’ll make the most of it.
In the meantime, look at my book ‘Help your partner say yes’ as this will provide more ideas for coming back from the brink. I would also read ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ so that instead of working on your marriage, you’re working on yourself in this difficult time.
