Ask Andrew – My husband is having an emotional affair
We just got the ILYB book, and my spouse has agreed to read it together with me. We have been together for 7 years, married for just over 1, and the ILYB came out when I received a text message to another woman that wasn’t intended for me — therefore, I stumbled upon it, he didn’t bring it to me. In that way, I guess, neither of us was prepared for this. This all came out last Thursday, so it’s just been a little over a week.
In the ILYB conversation, he admitted to having an emotional affair with a coworker and that he wants to be with her and still has feelings for her. He met her a little over a year ago, so it’s probably been going on for several months, if not closer to a year. He said he no longer wants to be with me because he doesn’t want to “miss his chance” with this other woman. Since she has found out that I now know (she is also married), she has gone into therapy, decided that, yes, things have to end with them (because she needs to get her stuff together and also to respect our marriages), and has minimized contact as much as possible. He told her that he cannot see her outside of work and need to keep it professional. He is avoiding her at lunch and avoiding small talk with her, though they do have to work with each other still. My partner now says things are “weird” with her, but he still does have feelings for her, and the time he gets most angry is when we talk is if it is about her. It is a definite sore spot for him to discuss. I am willing to do the work required to get over it, and he said he would “work on it” with me (though, at this point, it seems more like he wants to appease me than to actually work on fixing the relationship, if that’s possible). He has asked me many times, “Well, what if I don’t want to?” and things like that. Though I think, right now, that I want to stay with him, I am trying to be open to any possibility. I at least want to try.
His head is in the clouds, and I think he has a really unrealistic picture of marriage. He gets it from the movies and stories, I think – sort of the whirlwind affair, not having to work for it, “the heart wants what it wants,” etc. I certainly acknowledge that there were things I was doing that were causing harm to the relationship. Basically, neither of us put the care into it that it deserved and needed to thrive, so we find ourselves here now. However, I believe he has also rewritten our history because he now tells me he never really loved me in that way, that he married me because it was the next step and because his father, who died almost 4 years ago, knew me. He says these reasons aren’t good enough to stay or be married. He is saying things that aren’t factually correct (like we didn’t take certain photos or weren’t together at certain times during our wedding, when there is actually photographic proof that we were), and he appears to be really confused in his words and actions towards me – he will constantly say conflicting things. He says he has always had doubts, really serious doubts, and that it was a mistake to marry me. At the same time, he tells me how great and caring and wonderful I am. How attractive and beautiful I am and how I deserve better. He asks me, don’t you want to be with someone who loves you back? I believe him, when he says these things. I just feel like he is so clouded in these feelings he has for the other woman (again, still very new) that he can’t see how ridiculous some of this is. Well, it feels ridiculous to me.
Anyway, I know this all went down only a little over a week ago, so I know this is all still pretty raw and serious and emotional. We have agreed that neither of us are ready to really proceed with giving it the effort it deserves. We have been radically open and honest with each other since that day, and I do believe we’ve made some progress — it feels like we’ve spoken more in the last week than we probably have for a couple years (sounds like someone in your book 
. We’ve cried, gotten angry, gotten frustrated, laughed, hugged, kissed, etc. We are still sleeping in the same bed and holding each other, but we are trying not to have sex (though we did in the immediate aftermath) or kiss too much (usually it’s just on the cheek). Sometimes I initiate this physical contact, sometimes he does. The fact that he has decided to stay (for now) and “work on it” (which does not necessarily mean stay together in the end – in fact, I’m sure he’d be more than happy if I rushed to get a divorce with him) gives me some hope. However, the fact that he still wants to talk to and be with this other woman and the fact that he says there is not a chance for us are making me lose hope. He does tell me that he cares about me and loves me and that nothing I am going to do is going to push him away from me or make him leave me right now. He tells me that he will be there for me and that he wants to figure it out, too. But, because it still feels like this is just a means to the end of our relationship and that he’s just doing this to appease me, I feel like there’s not a lot of hope. How do I manage this feeling and get outside of my own head? Is there ANY hope? What can I do?
Andrew writes:
There is LOTS of hope. Just read back your letter and remember all the progress that you’ve made over the past few days. Whenever you’re feeling down, I want you to pick up one of my books and start reading. Partly because panicking solves nothing but mainly because there’s so much you can do to change the situation.
Start by reading, ‘How can I ever trust you again’ it will explain why people become vulnerable to affairs and how this infatuation is more in his head than reality. Next, look at ‘Help your partner say yes’ and in particular the section on Intuitors (who act on emotions) and Sensers (who act on reason). Guess which of you is which! Basically, you need to address his issues in his language – rather than your own.
Finally, I would get ‘Make love like a Prairie Vole: six steps to passionate, plentiful and monogamous sex’ as this will help with the emotional connection.
Saving your marriage will take time so don’t undo your good work by trying to resolve everything today. Keep calm, focus on the long picture and you’ll be fine.
