Ask Andrew – I’m too young for a sexless marriage
I am 24-year-old male who married my wife after dating for 4 years in college. I have never thought I would marry so young, but I also had never imagined having sexless marriage in such a young age. Last month, my wife finally dropped the ILYB bomb, and I didn’t know what to do. I came across your book recently (I love you, but I’m not in love with you), which, for me, was almost a beam of light in the total darkness. The book gave me a better understanding of what went wrong and how to proceed at this point to make things better, but like many things in our life, things are not going as planned.
The beginning of our relationship was quite complicated and somewhat inappropriate – my wife had a boyfriend, but things were not exactly great. Then she met me, and we both fell in love. Few months into our relationship, she cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend and I thought it was the end of our relationship. But we made it through and our bonds have been stronger than ever. “Limerence” as you wrote in the book was the definition of our relationship. We had sex as often as possible and each one of them was intense and extremely pleasurable. We were young, freshmen in college, and we were trying new things and she started taking birth control pills to have safer sex. However, the pills made our sex life too safe – she lost libido almost completely. We were having sex about once a month. We decided not to do anything for a long time. One year had passed, we were great together and I couldn’t ask anything more other than more sex. We decided to try different birth controls hoping to revive her sex-drive and also not to have period at all. It just didn’t work out and her libido was literally shot to hell. Although I wasn’t exactly happy with our sex life, she was okay with it since she didn’t feel the urge to have sex and she didn’t have to have menstrual cramps – it was convenient for her. I was trying to be understanding and did not argue with her – I was hoping that “things will change eventually.” Four years into our relationship, we were still not having sex – when we did once in a blue moon, they were bad ones. But I tried to be okay with it since everything else was perfect.
We got married, and 5 years into our relationship, I convinced her to stop taking birth control pills. She reluctantly quit the pill. I was patient with her and waited until her hormone level was back to normal and allowed her to have a couple of menstrual cycle, but still no news. I confronted her about it and asked if her libido was back yet, thinking her answer to be “No, I think I need more time.” But, very shockingly, her answer was “Yes, it is back, but I’m just not interested in having sex with you,” which destroyed my heart. She said she still loved me, but I was more like a family member now then her lover. She went on and said she wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore. We got into arguments and decided to keep trying – I did all the house duties, bought her flowers, and went on short trips, only to find that I was pretty much the only one trying, when she had given up already. I recommended your book, and offered her to go to counseling session with me, but she said “I no longer want to try.” We got into a huge fight last night because of it – she is just not interested. She doesn’t want a divorce either – she wants me to be her best friend and a family member. We are in a different chapter of our lives, and I don’t know what to do. Our relationship is still great and everyone thinks that ours is perfect and we are a great match to each other. But only one part of our marriage is missing and that part seems to be quite important to me. I am in the US away from my country, my family, and friends. I have no one to honestly talk about this issue other than my wife. I need a word of wisdom… I love my wife with all my heart and I want it to work. I understand by reading your book why it happened and what it means, but just don’t know what to do to get her heart back when she is not interested in trying.
I know this is a very long message and I know you probably are getting this kind of message all day, but it would mean a lot to me if you would give me a token of advice.
Thank you in advance, and thanks for your great book.
(P.S – She is not seeing anyone else, it seems that she is not interested in general – she is VERY fixated in her career building.)
Andrew writes:
It sounds like you’ve been through a very tough time, especially as you’ve worked so hard to turn things around. So where do you go from here?
Let’s go right back to the beginning and sex during limerence. With all the lust flying around, you are almost permanently hard-hired into desire. In this state, just a smile or a wink is enough to bridge from the everyday world of lectures and essays into the sensual world of love-making. Once limerence wear off, you need to find another bridge and make certain that what you’re doing in bed for each other helps fan the flames of desire (rather than put them out). Sadly, men are expected to be experts on sex and intuitively know what will turn their partner on. Sadly, some women feel it is less feminine or would crush their partner’s ego if they explained what they like. If you love each other, it is easy to think ‘sex isn’t that important’ or ‘it will get better’ and push the problem out of your mind. In the meantime, you’re still having sex that doesn’t quite work and one or both partner’s libido is slowly draining away. As you’ve discovered problems that are not addressed get bigger and bigger until they seem – especially to your wife – insoluble.
So my suspicion, and it is only a suspicion, is that the birth control issue has just been a handy cover-up which stopped her (and you) from having to confront the sexual issues. That’s why, I’d like you to get my next book – which comes out in the UK in January – ‘Make love like a prairie vole: Six steps to passionate, plentiful and monogamous sex.’ It provides a structured programme for stripping back your sex life and starting again. And the good news is that the type of problems that I’ve been suspecting from your letter are relatively easy to solve. It’s often a case of changing the timing and technique – and helping couples speak honestly about their desires.
So where do you go from here? You are in a bind. It’s not right to pressure to someone to have sex they don’t want. However, it’s equally wrong to stop someone having the sex they do want. So I would use your letter and my reply as the starting point for an honest discussion between you and your wife. I’m afraid it will be painful and deeply pleasant. She might say something like ‘I don’t fancy you’ and you will think that’s the end but if you sort the communication issues (so material is not being repressed) and you learn to touch each other in a way that build desire, her caring feelings can become tender feelings which can become passionate ones.
I’m not going to lie, it will be tough (and you might need to get professional support) but these problems can be sorted. Whatever you do, though, don’t wait and hope they will get better on their own (because that is a route to disaster). Be brave and let’s get all these problems up to the surface.
For improved communication, I would also recommend: Resolve your differences and Help your partner say yes
