Ask Andrew – My marriage is so unhappy, I wish I was having an affair
I’m actually not sure which book to read, but I watched the interviews you have posted in which you describe what each book relates to. I was especially struck by “How can I ever Trust you Again?”
How shall I say this? I am the bad girl– I’ve had an affair, and I was curious to see which type it was. After watching your video, it seems mine began a as a cry for help, and progressed to full out retaliation.In short, nearly every type of affair fit my description. I would not say I’m quite the “Don Juan” (Kate Chopin?) but I am beginning to think I’m headed that way. The problem is, I want the security of being married, but I find myself wanting to “stay open” to possibilities. I’m happy with my life (in spite of severe hardships at times) but I am in no way satisfied.
You seem to be a brilliant man– well articulated and respectful. I do not say that lightly, as I despise flattery. I would like your opinion. I don’t know whether to leave or stay. There are many reasons to stay (including the happiness of my children) but sometimes (every other day?) the reasons to leave seem more clear– bearing in mind honesty and truth, which are of high value to me. I am not currently in a relationship outside my marriage, but I honestly wish I could be.
Feeling trapped,
Andrew writes:
It sounds like you’re in a difficult spot. You are desperately unhappy in your marriage, so unhappy that you’ve had one affair and you’re contemplating another. I wouldn’t say it was a cry for help but standing on the top of a mountain and SCREAMING.
So let’s start at the beginning, you don’t sound like a bad girl to me but someone at the end of her tether. If you value honesty and truth, you will know that an affair will bring nothing but a bit of temporary relief (but at expense of blowing your marriage apart, horrifying your children and leaving you feeling terrible.) However, staying in the status quo is not the answer either – because it sounds like you’re about to crack and do something that will hurt everyone.
If you’re thinking of leaving, please speak to your husband before it’s too late. Time and again, I have men writing to me who are devastated. From out of the blue, from where they are standing, their wives tell them they are miserable and they want to leave. No matter how much they plead for a second chance or try to change to sort out the marriage, they are told it’s too late. So tell him: ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ (please read this book too) and see what he says. He might tell you: ‘You know what…. I feel the same way.’ In which case, it’s fairly straight forward and you can both go your separate ways. Alternatively, he might decide to fight for you and turn the relationship round. There’s lots of advice in my book.
When someone craves the security of marriage but wants to keep their options open, I nearly always find someone who had a difficult childhood. (Perhaps their father left when they were young or their parents fought all the time.) On one hand, you want to be held and told – ‘everything will be fine’ – but on the other hand, you are frightened to let people get close because you know how easy it is to get hurt. The result is that you either blow hot and cold about someone (my guess) or overcommit too quickly to dangerous men (who promise the earth but deliver nothing or are cold and distant.) I explain more intimacy issues in ‘Are you right for me?’ and how to unpick the damage of a destructive childhood in ‘Learn to love yourself enough’.
Happy reading.
