Ask Andrew – How do I start to win back my wife?
My wife told me that she wanted a trial separation and on Christmas Eve she will have been gone for 3 months. We have a 3 year old boy and before she left I did all the wrong things trying to keep her from leaving, asking why is she doing this, how could she do this, what can I do to make it better…but her mind was set on leaving. I spent money without telling her about it, spent money that really didn’t have on weed, and when I was out I would buy beer. Her background deals with her family doing alot more horrible things than I have done plus also going through a separation seems to be the norm and all she knows.
She wasn’t too upset for what I did but more so she was upset and let down because I lied to her or wasn’t honest with her about the money and the broken promises I made to be better and not make the mistakes again. Well it took her to move out for me to open my eyes and to make the changes that I needed to make. I haven’t touched beer or any alcoholic beverages in over 6 months and have not been around or smoked weed in over 4 months, even thinking about doing that stuff now I look at my current situation and I get disgusted on what I have done which keeps me away. I have curbed my spending habits and now don’t have to worry about paying bills. She told that I was selfish and that I didn’t put my family first, which I disagreed, I felt that at that time I had it all, but now I have nothing. She says she needs time to see the changes. She is very non-confrontational so if I try and talk about reconciling or try to be connected with her it seems she just gets further away.
I do love my wife and want to get my family back together but I don’t know if she does or wants to. All I get from her is that she sees us as still married and husband and wife but we live in separate places. I haven’t read any of your books yet because I don’t know where to go or where to start, maybe you could guide me in the right direction. Thanks for your time.
Andrew writes:
Congratulations on such a frank and heart-felt letter. Unfortunately, your wife will be worried that you’re just saying things to buy her off. So what you need to do is back up your great start with more constructive change.
So start with ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ because it will explain how you’ve got yourself into this mess and how to dig your way out. Next, I would improve your communication and learn to be properly assertive (rather than burying your unhappiness and self-medicating with booze and weed) by buying both ‘Resolve your differences’ and ‘Help your partner say yes.’
The next three months will be tough and I think you need to surround yourself with people and friends who will support your new ‘family comes first’ regime. Can you think who could be your mentor? Perhaps someone who is a really family guy and can offer advice on what would make your wife think you’re working on building a better future for both her, your boy and yourself. It might help to think of this as a time of learning about yourself (not just feeling low and abandoned). My book ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ might be part of this journey too.
Whatever you do, don’t keep asking for reassurance ‘will it be OK’ or ‘can you give me some hope?’ Tell yourself: ‘I will have to live with uncertainty for a while’ but if we’re still talking, communicating, I’m doing things for my son and showing her that I’ve changed and I’m truly listening that’s all I need. If you push her…. she’ll go for what is safe: shutting down (and you don’t want that!)
Good luck and get reading.
