Ask Andrew – How do I cope with Christmas while separated?
Last week my husband of 23 years left me and our 2 kids (18 and 7 yrs), we are both 44 and marry at 21yrs. 4 months ago he told me that he didn’t feel the same any more and needed some time alone to think things thru and clear his head, this came up as a shocking surprise for me. Two months later he told me that he didn’t love me any more and that he has been unhappy for a very long time; the reasons he gave for his unhappiness where all unreasonable like me not wanted to get breast implants, or me not having 8 orgasms, or that I used to be self-centered and arrogant when I had a managerial good-paying job “3 YEARS AGO!!”; now I work from home starting my web-based business. I really thought that we were going thru the very best of our times and used to told him that. He told some close friends that he wanted to give himself the opportunity to find passion again in to his life. In my heart I know he loves me but instead he has lost is sexual desire due to stress, illness, medication and most probably depression (he is overweight, hypertensive and takes medication and for now we are living out of one salary and in a tight budget) and he is reading that as lost love. I read your ILYB… book and try to get him to read it too without success. He kept asking me out to the movies, kissing goodbye in the lips, calling me love and spending all his free time at home, but at the same time saying the ILYB.. and wanting out, I was lost!. When I couldn’t cope with his threatening to leave, I requested that he moved out; the first time his blood pressure sky rocketed and we ended up in the emergency room, I was really concerned about his health and 10 days later I asked him what could we do for him to be more stress-free and he told me that being by himself will do, also told me that he was hurting because of the situation and it was the best for the both of us, so he moved out that evening, it was like something greater that himself was forcing him to do it I could see him suffering; the “kids” where devastated and we all 4 ended in tears.
We have always been a close and loving family. We were the most in love couple one can imagine and all our friends use to “envy” that. I know he deeply loved me and feels that he still does. He really cares about me and I deeply loves him. I am not angry with him but instead can see he is suffering and has a lot in his head and his mind is making him do things that his heart and even his body resists. He is trying to keep close to me (just told me that he would like me and the kids to go with him to his office Christmas party) but seen him hurts more than I can bear so I kindly said no.
Of course I want him back but I do not know if I should listened to the advise to keep contact to the bare minimum, so he can miss us or try to remain friends (as he wants). His birthday, Christmas and new year is coming and do not how to react.
I really appreciate your advise.
Andrew writes:
Your husband sounds completely overloaded, miserable and doesn’t know which way to turn. In trying to sort himself out, he’s made your life into a living nightmare (and everybody else’s.) So how are you going to turn this situation round?
Remember when kids fall out, you ask one of them to the ‘big one’ and to make up. I’d like you to try and step inside your husband’s head (for a while). First of all, I’d like to challenge the idea that all his reasons for his unhappiness are UNREASONABLE. They might be (from where you’re standing) but they are not for him. On the face of it, not agreeing to breast implants seems a pretty implausible but I wonder if this is just the tip of an iceberg. My guess is that he’s reached 40 and is worried that he can’t have eight orgasms himself every night! In his panic, he’s looking for anything that will make him feel better – like big breasts and a woman who writhes with passion if he just looks at her!
But just because he’s panicking doesn’t mean that you have to do the same. It’s perfectly possible to restore the passion to your relationship, reinvent your lovemaking and, through this process, help him comes to terms with growing older. (Especially as once people re-emerge, from this crisis of getting older, they often have the best sex of their lives. It’s why I call fifty something sex: Glory Days.) I explain all of this is my book ‘Make Love Like a Prairie Vole: Six steps to passionate, plentiful and monogamous sex’ – it comes out in early January (2012) and can be purchased from http://www.bloomsbury.com/Make-Love-Like-a-Prairie-Vole/Andrew-G-Marshall/books/details/9781408814550
In the meantime, look back at ILYB and all the active listening exercises and imagine – if just for a second – that every word, he says is true. What would you like to change about your own behaviour? And once you’ve done him the service of truly listening, he’ll be ready to listen to your pain too.
As for Christmas, this is a very difficult time (whether you are with your partner or not). Unfortunately, we load all sorts of secret tests onto the day. ‘If he helps out, it shows he loves me.’ ‘If she buys me what I secretly want (but haven’t told her) that means she truly understands me.’ ‘Once he sees how we all belong round the Christmas table together, he’s bound to come back.’ Add your test or wish to the list. So let me take the pressure off – because it will make the day all that more enjoyable – treat Christmas as a chance to be together but nothing more. It truly is just another day and unless there is a huge blow out – because you’ve loaded lots of expectations and booze onto it – it will neither make nor break your marriage. Think about any pinch problems that might occur during the day – like your mother sounding off – and try and head those off by talking about them before hand. Otherwise, relax and do your best to enjoy the day (or at the very least endure it).
Finally, I want to explode this ‘have little contact because he might miss you’ myth. Marriages break down because of poor communication and not being able to properly articulate out needs (or we feel that we are not heard). Marriages are rebuilt because couples learn to talk, listen and resolve their differences. I have two books which help with this project: Resolve your differences and Help your partner say yes. (Please get them.) That’s why, I recommend sustained contact so you can try out being different around each other – rather than stopping communicating altogether! (See Flip Flop in ILYB).
It will take time, and plenty of focus, but I see no reason why this can’t be turned round.
