Ask Andrew – How can I get my husband back?
I read your book, “I love You But…” and I urged my husband to read it too. He never did. We went to therapy. It didn’t work. He has now left and says he wants a divorce. He says he loves me, but not like that and that we grew apart.
It has gotten ugly. Despite the fights and the bad behaviour, I still love him. How can I get him back? How much do I have to do before I have have to give up?
Andrew writes:
I think the best place to start is thinking why the fights have got ugly. When a couple are in love, and there are any misunderstandings, they give each other the benefit of the doubt. If there is a problem, it is probably down to something trifling and transitory – like he’s tired or she had problems with her mother. When a couple is on the point of divorce, any misunderstanding is put down to something big and enduring – like he’s a jerk or she’s a control freak.
My guess is that you’re probably feeling angry and why not, he’s probably done some horrible things….. but next time, before you sound off, stop and look at your interpretations. We think there is a straight forward link between events and feelings. For example, he sends a nasty text and you’re angry. But slow down your reaction, because what is really happening is your interpretation comes between the event and the feeling. If you thought – he’s hurting and he’s lashing out – you might feel compassionate rather than angry.
If you can change your reactions, it might be that you can break the cycle of mutual misinterpretation and mutual recriminations. I would read ‘Help your partner say yes’ as it explains how to improve your communication (and has a chapter on coming back from the brink) and ‘Resolve your differences’ for dealing with anger (both his and yours).
I want to offer hope. If you still have enough love to be the ‘big one’ – as a mother says to two children who are fighting and neither will make the first move to make up – and keeping giving, even if he doesn’t give anything back or stonewalls and meets generosity with anger, there’s still everything to play for.
However, you sound desperate and exhausted, and it’s extremely hard to get the ‘not in love partner’ to even entertain that things can be different if therapy has been tried and failed. So I’m concerned about you opening yourself up, getting hurt and your self-esteem plummeting still further. Especially as, at this point, the ‘not in love’ partner has probably started dating again or casting his or her eyes around and suddenly there are all these interesting possibilities out there. He or she imagines that this new shiny love will be easy but on the rebound, we’re more likely to replay all the old problems, all over again with someone else. At the point, the person with ILYB will possibly re-evaluate their marriage and be more open to trying again.
So what should you do? I would look at your half in the poor communication and setting about changing it – because it will either start to tip the interactions between the two of you from negative into positive or you will learn something important for future relationships. Either way, you’re a winner.
