Ask Andrew – My anger is driving my husband away
I have been with my husband for 22 yrs, married for 17yrs. Things have been up and down in our marriage before but we have always worked them through. This time round Things have been more destructive (emotionally abusive) on my part and it is the first time a divorce has been considered. My husband and I are both 43 years old and have a 15 yr old son. We have discussed why he feels this way and the main reasons are my controlling behaviour, marriage is like a battle and my angryness. He has said that i have destroyed all his self confidence and self esteem and there is nothing left but a void. I am devastated about this. I have asked him to try to work through this while I work some things out about myself. I am currently having IC. I would like to get our marriage back on track. I have been honest with him and told him how I feel about us. I love him a lot and never thought about what my behaviour has done to him. I have been trying to change my destructive behaviour. I thought we were making a break through in our relationship as it was a very tense period by going on dates etc. A couple of months ago he gave me the ILYB. His FB texting and meeting friends increased at this time. I have broach EA with him and how easily friendships can tip to being an EA. Since this discussion he has removed them from FB and has told me he has stopped contact but I am still insecure about this (she text him while she was in hospital giving him updates on her female problems) I have suggested to him that a person has to be a lot more friends to do that. Some of their messages have been inappropriate and I have found out that they have met 3 times. When I asked him about this he was adamant it was only the once. He admitted the other two times and reiterated they are just friends and nothing had happened. I lost my temper, told him how I felt betrayed and cheated and became physically abusive. I am ashamed and have apologised for this. He asked for a separation at this point. We discussed why I behaved in this way and we agreed to call it a blip and for us to continue. He does not want me sexually at this time or to kiss me though I want him. he says that he will only do this when he knows he can allow himself to love me completely as he tells me he is not willing to become so hurt again. We are in separate rooms. He says he is committed to try as he does not want to throw away 22 years together. We hold hands/cuddles and he says he loves me most days but when we hug I sometimes feel that he does not mean it. He feels he does not need to go to counselling or read your book. How can I get him to be intimate again as I feel this is holding back the progress we are making and I need him to become close. I am scared that he is just going through the motions. We have discussed that even though we are trying it may not work out, this is to take any pressure off. What can I do to ensure we have the best chance possible? I am in a constant state of anxiety and currently taking medication for this. I hope you can point me in the right direction. Thank you.
Andrew writes:
I know you’re hurting and frightened but I’m really worried about your anger. So please read my book ‘Resolve your differences’ and the chapter on high conflict relationship as there are seven types of anger (and only one of them is positive and constructive). I’m sorry but this is going to be a tough reply to read but I think – with the situation being so dire – that’s what you need.
I’m going to try and help you step into your husband’s shoes. Men who get ILYB often find it hard to express their feelings – especially if they’re frightened of getting their head bitten off. However, things have got even worse because he feels emotionally abused and has shut down (as a form of self-protection). So the worst thing that could happen is that you’ve become physically violent too. It might indeed be a ‘blip’ (and affairs or emotional affairs/in-appropriate friendships can tip normally level headed people over the edge) but from your husband’s point of view this will be part of a pattern. No wonder, he’s wary of getting intimate again and is holding back!
Until he can be confident that you’re truly working on your ‘anger’ (and again we’re looking at it from his point of view and for all I know it might be just be venting) he will not be ready to work on your relationship. Hopefully you live in the UK, please book a joint session with RELATE who will help you put a safety plan in place so that you can talk without matters getting out of hand. (I know it sounds horrible but it will stop you reaching the dark place when you tipped over into physical violence and it will help him relax enough to truly hear you). He might say he doesn’t need counselling but this is to help your relationship and allow the two of you to communicate. Perhaps showing him your letter and my answer will help him realise just how serious the situation has become and that you BOTH need help.
If you find yourself getting anxious about the affair, instead of worrying about his behaviour (which could tip you into – in his eyes – being controlling) look at yourself and your behaviour. See coping with stress in exercise section of Stage 2 in HCIETYA and coping with highs and lows in Stage 3. Once you’ve got over the immediate fears, and calmed down, I’m sure that you will be able to cope and report your feelings (see Stage 5) and discover that in the greater scheme of things this EA is a symptom of the problem, an inconvenient distraction and nothing more.
