Ask Andrew – How do you improve the sexual chemistry?
I came across your book I love you but am not in Love with you in Waterstones the other day. My partner of 4 years said this to me 3 weeks ago. I was devastated but not surprised. This is my first relationship with a woman and met my partner when I was 36. Previously I had always had relationships with men. We have struggled in the first 2 years as I was having difficulty in coming terms with my sexuality. I went for counselling after our first year together and this helped with our relationship and helped me towards accepting this part of me, that is, I could fall in love and be sexual with a woman. It was strange being in bed with a woman after many years of being sexual with men and it did not feel the same as sex with some men, obviously not all, was much more physical than it is with my current partner. I love her very much but she says she now feels that I am more like sister to her than a lover and she doesn’t know what to do. I would like us to be more sexual with each other and this is the only part of our relationship that doesn’t work. I am confused and I am not sure what to do now as I have suggested we go for counselling however she is leaning more towards that if chemistry is not there between us then she feels no amount of counselling will create that. I am confused about this whole issue and I find it hard to talk to friends or family about it as we are 2 women and I think they wouldn’t understand. My partner has also said that she feels I am not a lesbian and this why things do not flow between us in bed. I do not think our relationship is that cut and dried and think sexual chemistry is about 2 people not about what sex we are as I have had relationships with men where the sexual chemistry wasn’t right. I really do hope you can help me because I really do not want our relationship to be over and I do believe that we can make it work and have passion in our relationship.
Andrew writes:
I wonder what’s holding you back from being more physical with your partner? It could be that you’ve not entirely comes to terms with your sexuality, maybe it’s hard to be physically intimate with someone that you’re so emotionally intimate (as it can make you extremely vulnerable) perhaps – like many couples you find it hard to talk about what you like and want sexually (and if you can’t discuss it, how can anything be better). However, I doubt it’s just down to chemistry. There was enough to bring you together in the first place and any couple that relies on chemistry or lust will find themselves beached on the sands of low- desire.
I explain more about the bridges from the everyday world of paying bills and cooking supper into the sexual and sensual arena – once lust and novelty has worn off – in my new book ‘Make Love Like a Prairie Vole’ which is out shortly. It also gives advice about how to talk about sex and the different styles of love-making (it could be that you and your partner favour different kinds). Ultimately, it seems that you both need to do a lot more talking before you decide whether your relationship has a future or not.
