Ask Andrew – Making a long-distance relationship work
My husband and I have been in a long-distance relationship since August 2011. We have lived-long distance before but over the last few months our relationship has become increasingly strained and has now reached a crisis point. Since the end of October my husband has rarely contacted me and, when he has, we have generally ended up bickering. Around two weeks ago I sent him an email saying that, whilst I loved him and ideally wanted to remain married, we needed to talk when he came home for Christmas.
Since he has come home for the Christmas holidays my husband has been very distant and unhappy. Although we are still sleeping in the same bed at night he does not want to have any physical contact. He will let me hold his hand or sit next to him on the couch while watching television but quickly finds an excuse to move away from me. A few days ago we talked. My husband said that he really enjoys his new life abroad and realised that, had he been happy in our relationship it would not have been so easy for him to settle in. He said that he feels appreciated and respected in his new job and has an excellent social life and circle of friends. He said that throughout our 12-year marriage I have always acted dissatisfied and questioned whether I wanted to be married to him and that he was always the one who said “I love you” (which is true). For the first years of our relationship I was very much the “beloved”. He said that, over the last six years or so, he has slowly realised that he loves me but no longer “adores” me (e.g. he loves me but is no longer “in love with me”). He said that my email had acted as a catalyst for opening up honestly and that, whereas before he had sometimes told me when he was specifically unhappy about something I had said or done, he generally kept quiet and tried to make sure I was happy. In the back of his mind, however, he did not forget (or presumably) forgive the things I had done.
Whilst my husband has been away I have done a lot of soul-searching. Although we have had some rough periods in our marriage, overall I thought things before my husband left to work abroad were ok. Whilst I know no one is faultless in a relationship, I accept that my selfish, hurtful and critical behaviour and attitude has significantly helped to undermine our relationship. It has also helped me to realise how much I love my husband and how proud and happy I am to be his wife.
Since noticing the shift in our relationship over the past few weeks I have been making an effort to be more positive and loving. My husband has acknowledged my efforts but says that it seems “unnatural”, annoying and somewhat desperate. He says he wants me to be natural and to “be me”—although at the same time he doesn’t want me/our relationship to return to the previous status quo.
I have told him I love him and am committed to our relationship. When asked what he wants to do now he has said he needs “time and space” but he THINKS that our marriage is still salvageable. I explained our marriage was my number one priority and I was worried that when he goes back abroad his satisfaction with his new life and dissatisfaction with our marriage will grow and I will lose him completely. I have offered to move there with him, even for a short period to see how things go, but he has said that he is happy there just now without me and that, if I come, it may make things worse.
We had this discussion around three days ago. Although I felt slightly hopeful after our discussion that our marriage could be saved, since then my husband has become even more distant and unhappy. He is listless and bored and, when questioned, admits he misses his new home. I have suggested different activities, both that he could either do on his own or we could do together but none of these are met with much enthusiasm or interest. Whereas before we have always been very comfortable with each other the stress and tension is now palpable. Although, knowing that it would only help to push him away further, I have managed (just) to stop crying, I have no appetite and feel physically sick every time I try to eat (something again my husband has noticed and is annoyed by). We are both trying to be friendly and civil but seem to have not much to say to each other and I feel like our connection is virtually gone. I have asked him again if we still wants to work on our marriage but he changed the subject and did not answer me.
I have been desperately scouring the Internet for advice and help, and have ordered a number of books, including your ILYB. I am willing to put whatever effort is necessary into saving my marriage but know that my husband is very resistant to any type of self-help books/strategies and counselling so I will need to largely start trying to actively saving it on my own.
One additional complication or “issue” is that my husband and I and a long-term friend of his who will be visiting him from Canada are due to go on a city break together in February. Without going into too many details my husband has told me that there may be issues with his friend’s visa which means that they may not be able to join me and that, even if they could go, he resents that fact that the last few times he has had time to spend with his friend I have always been there. I have offered to either cancel the trip completely, to just let he and his friend go without me, or to just go on my own. He has said that he will speak to his friend and check if he still wants to go but that, if he does, it will be fine and I can join them. However, I am now torn as to whether, if I did go, it would be a good opportunity to try and work on my relationship after being apart for a month and a half, or if I would be in the way and make things worse.
As well as being heart-broken, I am completely confused and am unsure how to act or what to do. I don’t know if I should just give my husband time and space as he asks, and try to be friendly and interested (yet self-composed and detached) when (and if) he contacts me, or if I should try to avoid any further separation and join him abroad.
My husband is due to leave to go back abroad in a week and I’m anxious to develop a plan of action as soon as possible.
Andrew writes:
I’m glad that you’ve ordered ILYB, I hope it arrives soon and begins to take the edge of your anxiety. I know this is a difficult time – and made harder by the chunks of separation – but the calmer you can be, the easier it will be for you and, most importantly, the greater the chance of saving your marriage.
Although the situation is tough, I wonder how much what your husband has said or done and how much your interpretation that is causing the panic / can’t eat kind of anxiety. For example, from your letter, you say ‘he no longer adores me’ which you take as ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ but my first thought was THANK GOODNESS he no longer adores you if it means that he always puts your happiness above his own (no matter what the cost) and the beloved whose every whim is catered for. In fact, I want to shout hallelujah! Perhaps you can have an equal relationship where you both attend to each others needs and cherish one and other. (See how interpretation, makes all the difference to ‘adores’.)
So whenever you’re feeling stress and tension – either face-to-face – or on the phone, stop and think: where is the stress coming from. It’s probably your interpretation, worry or desire to make it all right in the next five minutes. Unfortunately, it will take time to sort this out, so think of this as the age of Uncertainty. You’re not going to know – for sure – what’s going to happen and pushing for reassurance (as you’ve discovered) will just make him withdraw and feel the situation is hopeless.
A lot of my clients look up from a bundle of tissues and tell me: ‘I just want to know where I stand’ but their ILYB partner just replies: ‘If that’s what you want, it’s over.’ But if they can live with the uncertainty and be their partner’s ally through their soul searching (rather than the enemy) then things come round and these couples start working as a team again. So although you might hate it, think of uncertainty as your friend!
So what do you do when you’re worried and feeling hopeless? Order ‘Help your partner say yes’ and ‘Resolve your differences’ as love drains away through poor communication and reopen ILYB and instead of asking him AGAIN if he ‘thinks’ it can be saved…. read, learn and grow. Work on the stuff you can change – like how you behave – rather than trying to change him.
I find a lot of people dealing with ILYB – especially with a partner who does not believe in therapy – are terrified of making a mistake. Almost if they don’t the formula 100% right, their whole future will crumble. Instead, tell yourself, ‘I’ll make mistakes (and he’ll get testy or not phone) but I’ll learn from them and not go down their route again’. If you can learn from something, it’s never wasted.
So finally, should you give him space (and be friendly and interested) or push (to avoid separation)? I would be generous and give him the space (waiting for him to initiate contact) – especially as your anxiety makes you tend towards being clinging and desperate (never attractive qualities to a partner who is uncertain about his feelings.)
Good luck.
