Ask Andrew – Is my weight stopping me from finding love?
Having been single for most of my adult life, I am currently working my way through ‘the single trap’ and after a couple of weeks of intensive reading, thinking, working my way through your exercises and writing think I can see that the early loss of my father led me to avoid closeness. It is almost as though I have purposefully sought loneliness as a meditation on what I have lost. For years I have resented the fact that I was drawn to emotionally distant men, who hurt me over and over again, until I had little confidence in myself and choose to simply live alone. Now I see my part in choosing these men and know that even now, if I am honest, I am not fully comfortable with the idea of full on intimacy and that it will have to be something I allow myself to build up to.
My question then! Having done all this work to arrive at the place outlined above, I reach a part of your book in which you sketch out some simple practical problems which might be stopping people from entering a relationship. You briefly talk about a relative with dogs, and then go on to suggest that in a few cases it might be important to look to the attention we pay to our looks. Oh dear! After so much in-depth work I feel that these points are rather brushed over and have left me confused. Let me clarify: I am very overweight (although I do my best to look as good as I can) and I also have smelly pets. For many years I have suspected that my weight, rather than my character, is the reason I haven’t met anyone…. And now I think perhaps I have been naive to believe that this isn’t the case. You seem to be saying that these are obvious foundational reasons, ahead of whatever else is going on. Through the course of working through the book I had come to see my weight as a symptom of my need to distance myself, amongst other things. I am interested – what would your take be on this? As someone with a specific issue I want to be able to take a real perspective on it. I feel that my weight holds me back in relationships, but on the other hand have met lots of other bigger women in seemingly happy and loving partnerships….
Andrew writes:
Firstly, let me congratulate you on your thoughtfulness and personal insight. It sounds like you’ve really got a lot out of ‘The Single Trap’ and made great strides forward.
Secondly, let me clarify my comments about looks. I pass over appearance in my book for a number of reasons.
1. Contrary to the promises of the beauty industry, I think we’re basically stuck with what we’re given (and all the recent publicity about toxic breast implants and face fillers just reinforces my natural suspicion about their claims.) However, from time-to-time, I do meet women who could benefit from a trip to a good hairdresser and throwing away the tracksuits! But I could count them on the fingers of one hand. You don’t sound like one of them.. As my books are aimed as the general reader, I made the comment and moved on to what is truly important.
2. I don’t think looks are really that important for making lasting relationships. Sure, if you want to be able to pick up men easily and be the centre of attention, it helps to have large breasts, blond hair and to be eighteen. But we’re talking finding true love and having a meaningful and satisfying relationship not a popularity contest. (Incidentally, a lot of people who tell me they will only go out with extraordinarily good looking people are either using their partners gorgeousness as a way to prop up their own self-esteem or expect overwhelming attraction to blast their way through their own fear of relationships. As you can guess, I’m not advocating these kinds of men for you.)
3. As you so rightly put in your letter, there are lots of big women who are in happy relationships (and there are some men who are particularly turned on by them!) Similarly, there are lots of men who love dogs (I’m one off them) and would not look twice at a woman who couldn’t cope with a few muddy paws and hairs on the carpets. However, I hope your dogs are properly under-control. My cousin’s dogs sleep in her bed and try to bite any man who tries to join her in there!
4. Ultimately, it’s not about playing the numbers game or as one client of mine put it: ‘having a lot of potential dates coming down the pipeline’ and therefore ‘appealing to lots of guys so I’ll have lots of choice’ but finding ONE guy who is RIGHT for you.
So what I would suggest is using your new found knowledge to start making peace with your childhood, work on your self-esteem, think about whether you’re comforting eating (or self-medicating on sugary foods to avoid looking at difficult issues) because that’s beneficial to your health. But don’t start worrying about your weight because that another trap altogether. Once your personal defences begin to come down, I’m sure more men will notice you and before too long, you will be in a good and satisfying relationship.
