Ask Andrew – My wife will not let me kiss or hug her
My wife and I have been together for 6 years and been married for 2. We have two children aged 1 & 2, so obviously the last two years has been a little busy and to top that I’ve been quite unaffectionate and sometimes borderline emotional abuse.
About a month ago she told me ILYB and honestly my world came crashing down! I know I’ve been horrible at times, but I did not realise the extent of what I’ve been doing.
I immediately read ‘I love you but’ and ‘Help your partner say yes’ and I have honestly made changes. Changes that my wife 100% notices and acknowledges. She says that she is angry at the situation and not me and doesn’t want this, yet she’s not willing to go to counselling and believes that there is no way she can be in love with me again.
After initially telling me she hardly made any contact with me whatsoever, but over the past month she is now at the point where she will occasionally put her feet up on me or something (ridiculous as that might seem!). She’s not kissed or hugged me the entire time, but she does talk of us as if we are going to be together forever… She’s not the type to play games or do foolish things which is why I am left VERY confused.
Every time we even start discussing this, she simply restates the whole ILYB.
Right now we spend allot of time together and the relationship is probably better than it’s ever been, but I don’t want her to think that we are just going to be friends or something. I love her very much and is still very much in love with her.
I do not want to keep pushing the subject as every time I feel we take a step backwards.
Please give me some advise.
As crazy as it might sound I feel you’re just about the only person right now who can give me some sort of clarity on this.
I know you must get 100′s of these, but please. I’d be happy to pay for a full session if you could somehow just give me some indication of what this is.
Maybe a couple of minutes on Skype?
Unfortunately I’m not able to make it to one of your sessions for the next two months and I’m scared I’m leaving this too long.
I really appreciate the advise you’ve put out there and would not even have made it this far had it not been for your books.
Andrew writes:
Thank you for your kind comments about my books but I think you should really congratulate yourself for having an open mind, taking my ideas on board and being determined to change. Remember this, because it’s your determination that’s brought you this far and will help sustain you over the coming months.
So why is your hard work not paying dividends and why is your wife repeating ‘I love you but’ and refusing all but the most limited physical contact?
When a woman has a baby – all her natural bonding chemicals (oxytocin) are focused on the child. It takes her about eighteen months for her hormones to come back to normal. During this time, she can feel sexual (and be sexually responsive) but she will not be spontaneously horny. When you have two children under five, your body does not get a chance to fully recovery – and get back in touch with your sexuality. However, few women understand this stuff and even fewer men who feel shut out by their wives and become more and more anxious or determined to have sex. Their wives eventually give in to the emotional pressure – to keep the peace – but it just alienates them more and more. Worse still, they reach the point where they are frightened to even let their feet be rubbed, in case it gives the signal: ‘I want sex’.
Thankfully, I have a new book out ‘Make Love Like a Prairie Vole: Six Steps to Passionate, Plentiful and Monogamous Sex’ which explains further why mothers – particularly those with two children under 5 – ‘go off’ sex and how to rebuild loving relations. Please order it now.
My other advice is not to panic. Remind yourself, there is no ticking clock. I have time to sort this out (as you say, your wife is not about to leave) and every time I do get anxious, it makes things worse. As you have found my work so helpful, you might like to get the new audio book of ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ which I narrate myself. Maybe it will calm you down and keep you focused on working on changing yourself (rather than putting pressure on her). Follow this link to buy a copy from amazon audible: www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-Not-Relationship/dp/B006SKCZ3G/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325530163&sr=1-2
You ask about having therapy with me. All the details are on my website – under private counselling (see terms and conditions for costs). If you live too far away or on-going work is too expensive, consider one of my workshops. I’m afraid I don’t do skype counselling. With my books and maintaining this website, I only have a limited counselling capacity and prefer to use the time to see people face-to-face (as so much is missed in body language and atmosphere in the room over the internet).
Good luck.
