Ask Andrew – My boyfriend doesn’t know if he wants to get married
I have read “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, “The Single Trap”, and “How can I ever trust you again” and have bought your books as gifts for troubled friends and family. Thank you so much for the wonderful enlightening manner in opening up relationship mysteries and guidance.
My question is: After infidelity of my ex-spouse, I met my now fiance 3 years ago. We got engaged 14 months ago, moved in 6 months ago, but have no wedding date. He keeps telling me that he loves me and is very happy with me, but is not sure since he might not have his job contract renewed in a year and does not want kids in the next 2 years. (He is 36, I am 2 years younger). He changes the topic or just tells me he needs a few days to take about it. He does feel that if we don’t marry in the next few months, we will have to split up. Then he tells me that he loves me “too much to make me wait”. We spend days together with fun conversation, have great chemistry, and laugh a lot. We have a relaxed relationship. I am not happy in this status quo, but he is a loyal guy who treats me wonderfully and we get along so well. What do you think? Is this a red flag? Or am I being unrealistic?
Andrew writes:
Thanks you your kind complement and spreading the word to your friends.
I’m glad that you’ve found a good man – especially after the devastation of infidelity. So what’s stopping him from taking the plunge and getting married. I have two thoughts. Men don’t rush to get married. The majority do it because their girlfriends insist that it’s important for their happiness. (No threats. No sighs. No manipulation. Just a simple statement. Move onto the next subject.) It takes men a while to get their head round the idea – sort of trying being married on for size – but eventually they do begin to think: Why not? Especially, if they haven’t been cajoled or been made to feel guilty (when they will just dig their heels in). Once again, ‘I know you have reservations but…. marriage is really important to me / getting married will make me really happy.’
Next, men don’t rush to have children. It’s not that we don’t love them or want our own little bit of immortality – it’s just that we think it’s us who’s going to have to pay for them! Not just all the baby paraphernalia but a bigger house and maybe school fees and pony riding lessons – I could go on. And we worry that we will not be able to provide (especially as no job is secure these days). Sometimes we worry about being able to provide for ourselves! So I think you need to offer some reassurance. Either you’re not very materialistic and can get the baby stuff second hand or you’ll still be working and providing an income too: ‘We’re in this together.’
Good luck.
