Ask Andrew – Should I give up and move on?
I’ve read ‘I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You’ and found it very helpful in understanding what has gone wrong with my relationship, poor communication and lack of arguments being the main problems. I have been with my fiancée for 8 years and engaged for 1 year; however we have never lived together which probably contributed to the split. 5 months ago he dropped the bombshell that his feelings had changed and that he no longer saw a future together. He told me this on the day his dad had major surgery to remove a brain tumour, and with a history of depression before we met I was convinced these were the real reasons he was unhappy, that it was nothing to do with our relationship. We had also been through a very tough year together, I had turned 30 (he turned 38) and was undertaking my teacher training which I found very stressful and knocked my confidence, especially when I failed to secure my first teaching post. Yet he was amazingly supportive throughout this, even when his new job took him abroad a lot we would skype, email and text regularly. I probably took him for granted during this time.
I was in shock for the first few months after the bombshell and didn’t quite know what to do, so I just tried to carry on and be there for him. I encouraged him to go to his doctor and he was given anti-depressants, and I hoped that these would help to clear things up in a couple of months. We had a few talks periodically which all ended with me becoming emotional and getting very upset. I wanted answers and he wasn’t able to give me any. He couldn’t tell me when his feelings changed or why or how they had changed. When he invited me to his mum’s birthday meal in October I thought things were getting better, but a few days later we had another talk which ended with us breaking up. I thought we were taking a break for a few months to try and understand our feelings to work on them when we met up again, however it transpires he thought we had split up and were coming to terms with the end of our relationship. This came up when we met up before Christmas. I got angry with him and was upset that he hadn’t fought for our relationship. It just felt as if he had given up without trying everything possible, that the relationship I felt was so special wasn’t worth saving in his eyes. He told me that it was too late, that our relationship had gone past the point of saving, but he didn’t want to fall out with me and he did miss me. We left that last face to face meeting with a hug and with me saying that I didn’t think it was ever too late, but we should try to be friends and he suggested we meet up again before Christmas.
I left it up to him to contact me, but when he hadn’t by Christmas Eve I gave him a call to see if he wanted to meet and he couldn’t remember saying that. This hurt me, if we were going to try to be friends he surely had to keep some promises. On boxing-day feeling low I rang him for a general chat, which I now know was a mistake as I got upset and began asking him again for answers that he couldn’t give me. We haven’t had any contact now for 3 weeks and I don’t know what to do. Is it ever really too late? I’m guessing he will have to contact me at some point as I still have stuff at his flat. Do you think I should contact him and do you think it would be worth trying to get him to read ILYB? I know I have to work on making myself happy first, but should I give up on this relationship and move on. Any advice you can give would be very much appreciated.
Andrew writes:
It sounds like you’re really low and have got yourself into a dark hole. This is a tough place to be and worst still, when you’re hurting you can only see your own pain, can’t imagine what it’s like to be in your partner’s shoes and worse still, you do things to make you feel better in the short term – like phoning on Boxing Day – and making everything 100 times worse.
So take a deep breath and let’s unpack things might look from his point of view. His Dad’s brain tumour and his history of depression are probably important factors in the ‘why now’ of your break-up. However, he also had problems with your relationship. Unfortunately by putting the main emphasis on the catalyst for the problems, in his mind, you have not listened to WHY he feels the relationship is not working. So, for him, it feels his feelings are being swept under the carpet.
Often when men are feeling misunderstood, upset and overwhelmed, they turn into themselves. Think of it as retreating into a cave to lick their wounds, calm down and begin process everything. You come along and WANT ANSWERS. It is like standing into the opening of the cave and shouting at him. Guess what? He retreats further into the cave.
I know this is frustrating because unless you know the answers to why he doesn’t love you – you can’t fix them. However, he’s already told you – probably a hundred times or more what the problem is. Except you have not properly heard him – because, from where you’re standing this sounds stupid or not big enough to end a perfect love. However, drip by drip, these small things build and build. Inside, he’s thinking what’s the point of telling her again, she didn’t listen or she told me, in effect, that my answer not a good enough. So it’s to say: I don’t know. This makes you angrier and angrier and less likely to listen. So he clams up more and pulls a boulder over the entrance to the cave!
So in his mind, yes, it is too late to save this relationship. He’s been driven further and further into his cave and when he pokes his head out, it gets bitten off. However, it’s not too late to work on how you communicate – or more importantly listen. And if you can approach him differently, he’ll begin to come out of his cave, next can truly listen to his problems and change the way that you interact. When he’s calmer, he will be able to process the horrible stuff about his father and hey presto, you might be back in business.
So how do you work on yourself? I would start with ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ and understand why you get so emotional (to the point that your fiancé switches off) and then look at how to communicate better with ‘Resolve your differences’ and ‘Help your partner say yes’. Remember, the only person you can change is yourself. So stop worrying about how to get through to him and concentrate on understanding yourself instead
So send him a short to the point email – perhaps just three sentences – apologising for getting so emotional last time you spoke and explaining you’re taking some time out to understand and work on yourself and give him the space to think and process his difficult year. Finally, you can tell him you’re always available if he wants to talk. Then follow through by not contacting him for six months and review how you feel at that point.
