Ask Andrew – How do you find a partner through Internet dating without losing your mind
I am just turned 52, and have after 3 years of trying and hoping and being very patient with husband who has consistently said he is not coming back, I realised I felt a whole lot better about myself when I met someone who I thought was attracted to me and I got a bit of a crush. This was an idle flirtation and came to nothing at all, but showed me there were other fish in the sea and I could perhaps love someone else.
I have read what you said in The Single Trap and on this site about internet dates and the superiority of ‘mixing’ and do really agree that meeting for real is far better. However, I live at the opposite end of Britain from yourself, and the population is much more sparse. There is less going on, people are perhaps more reserved. I work in a female dominated profession, and my friends are all very settled down. Plus, I have 2 school-age teenager at home who I can’t abandon to fend for themselves that much, I’m the age I am, and I’m almost 6 feet tall so my options are definitely limited. I do go out and about when I can, but I can’t remember the last time I met any kind of a single unattached man, even from the days when I was married and not looking.
So in Oct 2011, with definite reservations, I joined a well-known dating site and was careful to use a realistic photo and describe myself and my interests to fully reflect the well-educated, ’feisty’ and informed person I really am. I have since gone through what I think are standard stages in this-including flirting madly on-line with the first person I spoke to- who was nice/flattering to me and put ‘x’s on his emails – which of course was immensely exciting to lonely old me. It was a great disappointment when we actually met, and though he was perfectly nice, I learned the lesson of not ignoring ‘warning signs’ about his lifestyle and character. Lesson learned.
Never mind, I have since met four guys-all nice, fairly attractive and all personally suitable. One relationship I did not actively pursue because he lives 3 hours drive away other side of a high mountain range- and I had some reservations as he had already cancelled a date with me because of meeting someone (a short-lived disaster) with whom he apparently shared ‘instant chemistry’ (she was very beautiful), another immediately started talking about his ex-girlfriend who had just got back in touch with him the night before … (he was obviously smitten he admitted, and I think they are now back together). These two, I was happy to stand back from, but I tried to leave the door open, and have been in touch with both to ask after, say Happy New Year etc., since. Not love at first sight, but if things had been different, I would have been happy to see either again.
I also talked online to B with whom I had lots of good conversations. We are both from a similar vaguely academic background but are from opposite sides of the art/science dichotomy and we challenged each other, him teasing and saying this meant we could never be compatible, me ‘proving’ we could, and having a more serious talk about our feelings about our kids, exes, etc. I felt we bonded as friends, with a bit of hidden flirting this way (no email ’x’s). But I’m now asking myself if that was because it comes easily to us both to express ourselves in writing, so were we really relating, or were we just showing off? (This just occurred to me!!) He’s been on this dating site and others for more than 2 years and has met/encountered loads of women, so I suppose he got good at this sort of conversation.
So we met casually for a lunch break hour, I thought he was unconventional but attractive enough, we had a good chat and at the end when I-not really knowing how to end these dates-asked “Well, do we meet again or what…?”, he immediately said “Mmm, well, I really want someone to do these outdoor things…” and this seemed to be a big problem. His long time on the site does bear out his consistent claim to be really keen to meet someone to go in for the outdoor sports that he is into, and I am not. However I genuinely thought (in fact I know) that if you like each other, then a compromise can be reached and new things can enrich your life in unexpected ways, and I am sure you would agree. But I guess he didn’t feel I was irresistible enough.
I couldn’t believe that our online relationship which up to that point had been such fun was over, so carried on texting (he responded with good humour) and I suggested he come for a walk with me. We spent a pleasant, easy 4-5 hours together. However at the end he said “You shouldn’t take this so seriously”, and –as when a few days later I later protested at this callous attitude- explained he meant that I shouldn’t make any assumptions about the future of any relationship because of early emails and dates. (This is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I thought, how else are you supposed to tell?)
Of course, he sent a text soon after the walk to say I was nice and fun and easy to talk to – and what really hurts me – that he was “sure he could fall for me” but better not as our activities were incompatible so he didn’t want to embark on a long term romance that would be a disaster because of ‘incompatibilities’. I am a straight talker myself and could never tell someone I enjoyed their company (never mind that I thought “I could fall for them”) if I didn’t mean it! So I’m confused and hurt.
I think I tried to beat the dating-site system and its ‘pass/fail’ outcome by saying right at the start that I wanted to just be friends to start with, and by carrying on sending light-hearted emails to all my contacts occasionally. This has back-fired by having to have the pain of B lately saying, as part of a longer communication, that he thought ‘something’ had come up for him at last on the dating site. (Now I’m stuck!! I can’t let this affect me, I have to keep in touch or he’ll see through my protests just being friends, and that I’m as jealous and hurt as I really am!! )
Another contact singled me out, seriously ensured that I wasn’t in contact with anyone else and we emailed for a 3-4 weeks, less interestingly I guess, but we met last week. I thought he must really like me. Again a good chat and I really liked him too. Afterwards I texted to say very casually that I would like to meet again ‘sometime’ , but got one from him to say could he have time to decide what he wants, and eventually one to say I was “good company and easy to talk to etc” but he doesn’t have time, not sure blah, blah. So I’m sad and hurt about that relationship too but, me being me, said I’d keep in touch…
So-the core of this letter-what do people expect from these dates? Do serious, mature, well-educated people really imagine on first meeting that they are going to be able to tell if we are going to have a long term relationship/be life partners? My own hopes, when we meet in the flesh, only extend to considering what it would be like to sleep with them (sorry!), and maybe how they would get on with my children, and I just assume/know already that as we are getting on well and that we’re old enough to have learned to socialise and handle ourselves, that the rest would take care of itself, one way or another in the short term at least. So ironically, I think that it’s B and the others who take all this ‘too seriously’, not me!
Or-do even decent men think that relationships are principally about looks? I am beginning to think they must, as they almost all mention ‘chemistry’ (code for Are you good looking enough? rather than Do we really like each other? I fear). I am presentable, dress fashionably and make the best of myself without being high-maintenance, but I do have a fairly ordinary face, my figure is not spectacular without being noticeably overweight, and I am over 50. So I’m feeling a little less confident than I used to.
So although the dating site seems like a Hall of Mirrors, where no relationship seems to really be what you think it is, I don’t feel this experience has been disastrous enough to leave the dating site yet, but what I’d like to ask, Andrew is-do you know of a book or other resource that would give me tools to deal with the numerous rejections that seem to be inevitable and move on while still being optimistic. I can see that I am refusing to even accept that I have been rejected, and I stubbornly try to flog dead horses, or at least ignore the fact that they’re just refusing to get back on their hooves again! This probably explains my patience with my husband too.
Andrew writes:
I’m afraid that some intelligent people do expect to ‘just know’ if they want to spend the rest of their lives together on just one date! They call it chemsitry or soul mates and possibly people believe in it more when they are older as they’ve been hurt so badly (and are terrified of being hurt again). Whereas, all I would want them to ask is….. do I want to meet again? I certainly wouldn’t be asking them to think ‘would I want my children to meet them!’ as that’s something I wouldn’t suggest until at least three months or maybe even six months into a relationship. It takes time to make a good connection and put down deep enough roots – and ‘looks’ have nothing to do with it.
So what’s going on? As you’ve discovered, someone showing us even a little bit of attention is a great ego boost and Internet flirting provides it round the clock. For many people, it is the equivalent of shaking hands. So please take the advice of your friend and not take anything on line or in emails too seriously.
I’m afraid, I don’t know of any good books on Internet dating – but perhaps other readers of this site can make recommendations. However, I can offer some targetted advice. Personally, I would shorten the amount of time texting or emailing – so there is less expectation of ‘knowing’ each other and less diappointment if it doesn’t go anywhere when you meet. Next, I would look at how you describe these events to yourself. If you call it ‘rejection’ then it will seem horrible but if you just say ‘it didn’t work out’ – then it is not so personal or hurtful.
Finally, I would accept that older people are less flexible about their wishes and needs – and perhaps that’s not such a bad thing. So although I agree with you that it’s possible to compromise – and enjoy the company of an outdoors guy – it would most probably be better to find someone who complements you more. When we’re teenagers, we have all the time in the world and can head down some deadends but at fifty something, we need to make every second count – especially as soon (with raising children over) your relationship will be centre stage. So it needs to be able to stand up to scrutiny and be great - not just OK.
Maybe that’s the lesson, not that you flog dead horses, but that you don’t expect enough and are too happy to settle?
Further to my reply:
Gus from the Netherlands writes and suggests:
Glicken, Morley D. Mature friendships, love, and romance : a practical guide to intimacy for older adults. Publisher: Praeger (2010).
Book Description
ISBN-10: 0313382425 | ISBN-13: 978-0313382420 | Publication Date: June 2, 2010
Written to appeal to men as well as women, Mature Friendships, Love, and Romance: A Practical Guide to Intimacy for Older Adults is a serious book about love, romance, intimacy, and sexuality, as well as friendship and family. It is about what happens when older adults lack close relationships and about practical ways to address that isolation and loneliness.
Through personal stories and vignettes, readers will see how notions of friendship, intimacy, and love change as we age, what mature love is, and what factors can make it challenging. Among the topics discussed are late-life divorces and breakups of long-term relationships; finding new and intimate friendships; resolving problems with adult children that can emerge when you enter a new, loving relationship; and choosing activities to increase your pool of potential friends and mates. Internet dating is addressed, as are the general thoughts and actions of happy people who agree life can start at 60.
