Ask Andrew – Should I stay or should I go
I found your book mindblowing and straight to the point. However, I came across an ILYB situation – being myself the one who was told – and started working on it with my partner with positive results, but the circumstances have changed dramatically and I’m not quite sure about which move to make.
I’ve been on a relation with my girlfriend for six years now. We moved together a couple of years ago, but 4 months ago she moved to a foreign country because she was offered a great job opportunity (by then we were on a bad stage of our relationship; the ILYB happened only a couple months earlier). I supported her, but deep inside I felt it was wrong. Specially because I don’t speak the language – contrary to her – and even though she told me I would meet her there and make a life together, I never really believed it would be that easy.
Ever since, we’ve been working on our relationship. The separation made us well and gave us time to think on what we were doing wrong and start acting differently. Actually, in the first weeks of separation (and before we started to change) I was really hurt and made a decision to myself to give it all up because she told me that she didn’t want to live with me anymore. Even though the plan was “she moves » she finds a house » I find a job and move with her”, the plans have suddenly changed. I felt a maddening rage. It was a true stab in the back. I told her that, but she answered that it was only for a while. Eventually, she started saying that she was having second thoughts about that move and/but she now wants me to move with her most than anything.
The problem is I’ve been applying for jobs so I could move, but 4 months have passed and I didn’t get a single answer. She says she misses me, she’s been looking the Internet for some jobs to which I could apply, but it’s really not looking good.
Right now I feel the separation has lost it’s positive effect, and it’s tearing us apart. What should I do? Should I go and apply for the lowest job possible granting at least that I’m staying with her – probably resenting that I gave up my carreer when she didn’t even think twice about moving, or should I stay where I am and continue my life even though I feel there’s no future for us if I stay here. The worst is that I that I lost my job this week, and I’m staying at home alone, at the house we bought together and where we both should be living. If I ask her to return, or even if she does on her own initiative, I’ll feel guilty that she abandoned a really great opportunity just because of me.
Right now I’m only applying to job opportunities at that foreign country, which makes me feel my life is on pause because of “us”. We’ve been talking on Skype almost everyday, but it all starts to look repetitive and leading nowhere. Should she be the one to make a move? Should I expect that from her? Should I move and try to find a job at the site, even if it’s washing dishes?
Andrew writes:
It is really tough to be dealing with ILYB and living in separate countries – let alone to have all the rejection of losing your job thrown in on top of that.
So what should you do? Let’s start on the job front. When you lose a job, you need structure and focus or you can easily slip into depression and hoplessness. So make certain that you get up each day at the same time and have a routine. Your new job is to find work. So set aside a couple of hours in the morning and afternoon to look for openings, speak to all your friends to find leads and meet up with old colleagues too. Personally, I think you should be looking both where you live and where you girlfriend lives. Don’t close down any avenue.
Next, I think you need to try and get away from ‘expect’ and ‘should’. It sounds like you have some expectations of your partner (like living with you or moving back) and these build up into resentments and bitterness. Who says anything should happen? Where is it written? If what you mean is: ‘I would like’ that’s fine. You can tell your partner and discuss it with her. Of course, she in turn has the right to say no. And you can negotiate on what happens next. If everything is done in an assertive way (rather than emotional blackmail or manipulation) and someone agrees to do something (rather than be forced), there is no reason to turn round and be angry when stuff doesn’t go right (because we have taken responsibility for our own decisions rather than blaming someone else).
So please look at ‘Resolve your differences’ as it explains how to be assertive and improve your communication because when everything is out in the open (rather than sighs and looks) and discussed (rather than resented or your fears buried) relationships are always more intimate and loving.
Since posting this reply, I’ve had another letter from this correspodent which I think will help other people:
Since I sent you my e-mail, things have developed so brutally that I felt the urge to contact you again.
I’m reading your answer to my post at my girlfriend’s house abroad. Yes, I’ve decided to come to meet her for a week and a half, a time that should be used for us to reconnect and for me to try to get a job here so I could finally move with her (we had be living together for almost 2 years when she accepted to a job proposal abroad). Well, I arrived yesterday with my hopes really high – after all, we’ve been sending each other romantic e-mails all day, saying how much we’re yearning for this day to come, like two teenagers in love.
So, when I arrived at the airport and saw her I was expecting a little fireworks. What I got was a brief hug. My heart fell to the ground. It felt like we were two strangers on our way towards her home. The mood was very gloomy. I wondered what had happened to all that excitment…. All this happended to days ago. We went to bed without kissing, and making love was absolutely out of the equation. I asked her why wouldn’t we even kiss goodnight, so she gave me a really fast kiss and turned to the other side.
The next morning we a had a “typical moment”. She started making the bed, making sure she was sighing loud enough so I could hear. Apparently I should have done it myself, or at least be helping. I told her that I had been washing the dishes and that she could have called me for help, for what she answered that she doesn’t have to tell me everything, that I should know things.
Ten minutes afterwards I remembered a watch I had bought her, so I went to get it. She dropped it to the floor, and it seemed like it stopped working. She asked me “what now, what do we do about the watch?”. I replied “we should take it to a store to see if it’s broken”. She said all stores were closed and asked again what should we do. I said that in that case, I didn’t know. Perhaps waiting for monday. That’s when she replied that I never helped her with anything.
Similar episodes corroded the whole day, and by the evening I couldn’t take it anymore and burst into tears (if I recall it properlly, for I was so mad with rage and helplessness) and I told her that I so tired of trying so hard to get things right with us and always feeling alone. That’s when she started crying also, said she was so sorry and that she didn’t want to make me suffer anymore. That we should end it all. That she couldn’t give me what I wanted, that she didn’t see me as a lover anymore but as a friend, and that she was even avoiding kissing me.
After a short period of reccovering from the the shock (those words always strike you as a novelty, even though I had heard them once before), I told her about your book. Her first reaction was “it’s not a book that will change how I feel. We’ve tried everything, and nothing’s ever going to change. I don’t want you to come to live here with me and change your whole life for a person who doesn’t love you”.
I went for a nightwalk to clear my mind. I remebered a section of your book about confrontation and as soon as I arrived home I asked what was it about me that picked so much on her nerves. She looked at me with a boring expression, “here it goes again. You and your boring conversations that lead nowhere. Can we please not talk about it? I’m tired of talking. It seems that all we do is talk”. Then I remembered “the five languages of love” and after doing the exercise you recommend, I came to know that “caring actions” were the number one language for her. I related that with her father never helping her mother at home, and how she hated it. I told her that probably she’s afraid that I turn to be like her father, and that’s why she was always picking on me about never helping at home. She confessed that there was truth in that.
We managed to talk for a while, but in the end I told her how I was seeing things – “I feel that even if we could make anything good of these days we still have here together, distance will eventually tear us apart again. I’m tired of trying. I think I should move up with my life even if it hurts me as much as it does. I love you but I don’t think we can make it. Perhaps if we were together we could travel this path, specially now that I know what I’m doing. I now believe that all relations can be saved and that the ILYB is not a fatality but something we could work on. But not like this, not 3.000kms away. I’m taking the first plane tomorrow and I’m moving out of your life.”
She asked me not to do it. That she wasn’t ready for it. I asked what did that mean. She replied that she wasn’t 100% percent sure she wanted to lose me.
So here I am. I decided I will stay for the whole week as planned. I’ll try to do some “caring actions” and see if I can only get her to kiss me again. But the truth is my mind is already thinking on a plan B. It seems I say this lighthearted, but I’m going through a lot of grief.
She said she was going to read your book – “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You”, so I’m waiting on anything good to happen.
But then again, how long will it last? I really loved your book, and it changed me as a person and I believe your insights will stay with me for the rest of my life, but there’s not really any directions as far as going through the ILYB at a long distance.
I thank you and hope that my particular case as well as your answer can help all the readers that are going through the same situation. It’s really tough…
Thanks for your comments and questions, I have tried to address some of your issues about long-distance relationship in another letter, so please read ‘ Tring for a long distance reconciliation’.
