Ask Andrew – How to have good boundaries
Last february i discovered my husband was having an inappropriate friendship, later followed by his ILYB. This followed a stressful incident in the wider family. We stayed together and tried again with positive results, his thoughts as well as mine. However i think he’s still been unsure and he has hasn’t said he loves me since. I have had hope of a better relationship but not been emotionally fulfilled. Its been hard to learn to trust again but i’ve put into practice a lot of what i’ve read and I think i am better equipped to deal with things. I have pursued my own interests and life and feel i am a stronger person.
In November i found out he was continuing his friendship with this other woman, and lying to my face about going away with her for a couple of days. I was furious about the lying more than anything. Other info has also leaked out in drips. Since then, we’ve been living apart in the same house, although in some ways have developed a very good relationship as friends. He finds it difficult to talk and wants to think on his own to come to a decision whether to stay or go. I have tried talking to him in a very calm and non blaming way, just focusing on how we both need to be happy and how we need to move forward, together or apart. I have said i love him and want to be with him but only if I am getting the respect, honesty and love that i deserve. I can’t make it work on my own and I cannot settle for a half life because it fits our family situation (we have a 3 year old son). He has been organising little family days out, day out for my birthday etc the last few weeks but he still won’t talk unless i ask and he still says he is confused. I find it hard as he won’t commit to anything, and won’t seek help, talk to anyone, read books etc. It doesn’t help that his friends have lost respect for him as he won’t see them. I struggle with how to move this forward other than us separating, just to get some action! It’s been nearly a year of limbo, with a difficult few months prior to that and i want to live my life!
Andrew writes:
Congratulations for sticking at this difficult situation and coming out a stronger person. I’m also glad that my books have helped.
Let’s talk about boundaries – between what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, between what is our responsibility and what is not – because I think your personal boundaries are all over the place. You desperately want to save your marriage (and I’m all for that) but you’re compromising your standards and your peace of mind to try and achieve it (and I’m not so keen on that!)
In the most obvious way, when someone develops an inappropriate friendship they cross all sorts of boundaries (in a unilateral and secret way). Once they’ve been found out, if the discoverer agrees to let the discovered continue to see the third party (unless with full disclosure and on a strictly proffessional work colleague basis) they conspire to agree with floppy boundaries. With texts and emails, it is like the third party can enter your home at any point and whisper subversion in your partner’s ear. Every time a mobile bleeps with a text, you flinch. It could be his mother but it’s more likely to be HER! I’m sorry but how you can you work on your relationship if she is casting a long dark shadow. No wonder, you haven’t got the sort of intimacy you want!!
Next, you seem to be taking a lot of responsibility for sorting your husband out. I agree that he is in a bad place but as the old saying goes: You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. And let’s face it, you’ve provided him with a thousand drinking opportunities. So I think you need to say something along the lines: I love you and I want to help but I’m going to step back until you ask for my help.
I expect you know where this is going. I think you need a firm boundary. He needs to leave the house until he is ready to give up seeing this woman and being in any form of contact with her. Ultimately, he needs to discover that she’s as much the source of his unhappiness as a potential solution to it. Unfortunately, that will take time, and in the meantime you have to protect yourself with appropriate boundaries. No talking about us. No jolly family days out. Notice I say appropriate boundaries….. because too high is just as bad as too low. So for example, it’s fine to come in a have a cup of tea while your son is getting his stuff for a day out with his dad but not a sleep over or a meal (obviosuly, where you set these limits is up to you, I’m just giving examples.) I’m sure once this is all in place, you will be able to breath easier and have a huge load taken off your shoulders.
Finally, you need to deal with uncertainity. This is not a break up, just space for him to get his head sorted and for you to get your day-to-day life back together. Your door is always open if he wants to have a review but don’t drop hints, ask how he’s doing or apply any pressure of any sort. My hope is that once the triangle situation has been removed his ‘friendship’ with the other woman will collapse and he will finally be ready to do the things he should have done last February. OK it will take time but believe me, it’s better to have a lump of uncertainity than dash for certainity and split up (which gives a short boost – rather like stopping hitting your head against a brick wall – but is incredibly difficult to reverse.)
