Ask Andrew – My husband isn’t interested in sex with me
My husband and I are in the recovery stages post his affair with a work collegue, however our sex life is now practically non existent. This is now starting to disturb me quite a lot as I feel that he is no longer attracted to me sexually.
It is quite a catalogue of infidelities, so I’m not surprised that you lost so much weight but I’m pleased that ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ has helped you get to the bottom of the affair.
Reading your letter, I’m pulled in two directions. Firstly, I can really understand how this has knocked your self-confidence and I think you’re right to be concerned about the lack of desire (which most certainly needs to be addressed). However, I’m also concerned that your over-active mind is becoming part of the problem. For example, our relationship was only good because he was fantasizing about other women. What is the evidence? Are you putting two and two together and making four hundred? The same with, he’s only with me because the other woman wouldn’t have him? How did you get here? Two weeks and three weeks between having sex is not out of the ordinary and it sounds like you feel late night sex is better than morning sex. While I have lots of clients who would love some morning magic!
So what’s going on? It sounds like you’re two anxious people. He’s worried about his potency – and probably feels more able in the morning. You’re worried that in someway you’re not enough. I know you’ve read voles but I wonder if you’ve done the exercises? Going back to basics and just touching each other could be a real relief after all this stress and help you get back in synch with each other.
However, I think there is something deeper than just sex. I find that men who can’t be assertive outside the bedroom (ie: ask for what they want and be honest about their needs) find it hard to be assertive in the bedroom (and get in touch with their desire because they spend all their time denying their needs). I explain more about assertiveness – which should not be confused with being aggressive or domineering – in Resolve your Differences. I would also like you to look at ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ which will help your self-esteem and tackle the over-thinking.
Finally, I want to say that it sounds like you’re both doing very well. He’s faced up to a difficult problem and asked his doctor for help (hurrah, I wish more men would do that) and you’ve found the strength to keep going through lots of horrible discoveries. I know it feels like this has been going on forever, but it sounds to me like you’re heading for the home stretch.