Andrew G Marshall

My husband and I are in the recovery stages post his affair with a work collegue, however our sex life is now practically non existent. This is now starting to disturb me quite a lot as I feel that he is no longer attracted to me sexually.
We have been together for 17 years and married for 13. About 6 years ago he was going through a lot of stress in his career and our sex life completely diminished. After about 3 years I discovered that he had been on escort websites whilst abroad on business. This continued for about 6 months after I found out when he eventually went for medical help where it was discovered that he had very low testosterone levels and now receives implants. Our sex life really improved after this until one year later when he went to a lap dancing club and had private dances. This again had a big impact on our relationship but we worked through it and our sex life was still good. About 6 months after this I then discovered that he had been on a date with a work collegue. Life really disintegrated after this and we had a month apart after which we went to counselling. During this time I lost 2 stone and went on antidepressants as even though he was telling me that nothing was going on something just didn’t feel right and I felt I was becoming paranoid. However, we were still having sex.
Events culminated in my finding condoms in his work bag when he returned from a business trip with said
collegue. I then asked him to leave, although he was adamant that nothing happened. We separated for 3 months and both agreed to try again. However, further details kept emerging and it transpired that they had been seeing each other whilst we were in counselling, but my husband was adamant that the affair ended on the business trip and that he could not go through with having sex with her. I then found your book how can I ever trust you which we both read and we went through every detail of the affair and their time together which, although it got pretty intimate never got to the actual deed. I have also read your books life long love affair and prairie vole.
We are doing really well now but I am bothered about his apparent lack of sex drive. It is a very sensitive area for him because of the testosterone implants. However, I cannot escape this feeling that our sex life was good because he was fantasising about someone else and now that is not an option it is just ‘us’. I also am unsure about whether he wanted to work on our relationship because the married collegue did not want him – although he says that the break was mutual. Again, the only reason I have for this suspicion is the lack of sex in our marriage. The last time was a Sunday morning quickie 3 weeks ago and it was the same 2 weeks prior. In fact I cannot remember the last time we made love at night. do gently raise the subject in a joking manner but it elicits no response, he generally comes to bed after me and I am normally asleep. Otherwise he is loving, thoughtful and attentive. I really don’t know what to do. I feel that I have spent years with his sexual sensitivities and I really don’t want to go back to that place again. Thank you.

Andrew writes:

It is quite a catalogue of infidelities, so I’m not surprised that you lost so much weight but I’m pleased that ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ has helped you get to the bottom of the affair.

Reading your letter, I’m pulled in two directions. Firstly, I can really understand how this has knocked your self-confidence and I think you’re right to be concerned about the lack of desire (which most certainly needs to be addressed). However, I’m also concerned that your over-active mind is becoming part of the problem. For example, our relationship was only good because he was fantasizing about other women. What is the evidence? Are you putting two and two together and making four hundred? The same with, he’s only with me because the other woman wouldn’t have him? How did you get here? Two weeks and three weeks between having sex is not out of the ordinary and it sounds like you feel late night sex is better than morning sex. While I have lots of clients who would love some morning magic!

So what’s going on? It sounds like you’re two anxious people. He’s worried about his potency – and probably feels more able in the morning. You’re worried that in someway you’re not enough. I know you’ve read voles but I wonder if you’ve done the exercises? Going back to basics and just touching each other could be a real relief after all this stress and help you get back in synch with each other.

However, I think there is something deeper than just sex. I find that men who can’t be assertive outside the bedroom (ie: ask for what they want and be honest about their needs) find it hard to be assertive in the bedroom (and get in touch with their desire because they spend all their time denying their needs). I explain more about assertiveness – which should not be confused with being aggressive or domineering – in Resolve your Differences. I would also like you to look at ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ which will help your self-esteem and tackle the over-thinking.

Finally, I want to say that it sounds like you’re both doing very well. He’s faced up to a difficult problem and asked his doctor for help (hurrah, I wish more men would do that) and you’ve found the strength to keep going through lots of horrible discoveries. I know it feels like this has been going on forever, but it sounds to me like you’re heading for the home stretch.