Ask Andrew – My wife talks to someone else more than me
I love you but I’m not in love with you. These are crushing words. I still love my wife like the plants love rain. We had some past hurts but we soldiered on. We appeared to be happy just two months ago, but this month she got an apartment moved out and says she doesn’t love me, like she should, and hasn’t for a long time. The reason this makes no sense cause I’ve done a lot of thinking both from past experiences and happy times we’ve had and the good still outweighs the bad. She said she’s getting this place so we can work on us, but it seems like she’s just self destructing everything around her. I have 10 years and two children with this woman. She doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me, but I’m a decent looking guy. I have had no problem getting advances throughout our marriage but I have never given them the time of day. She is the one for me. She can say all these hurtful things to me without a tear, or emotion. Is letting her go the real way to fix us, I am lost and don’t know how to help us get back what I thought we so recently had. There’s this guy who seems to be in the picture, but she says he’s nothing but she talks to him more than me. She compared me to him but I have a home two degrees, and am working towards a career as a RT. I am unemployed because she wanted me to go back to school, though she holds that against me for not having one ,but I make money going to school equivalent to a minimum wage job. He has a degree, a broken leg, in a motorcycle gang, no job, lives with his parents, and a ton of medical bills from his recent accident. I am better than him in these aspects. I don’t know why she wants to talk to him more than me. I do affectionate, loving things for her all the time. The house is always cleaned, the kids are cared for, she gets fresh flowers when she comes home I text and tell her I love you, but it seems to make her angry that I do these things. I don’t want to be cold to her but all my affections only seem to make things worse. I am a good person in most all regards. I don’t get why she doesn’t love me and I don’t want my relationship to be over. She told me she doesn’t want to fix us right now. I think she wants to fix her. I told her then lets work on being friends, and maybe we can grow to be lovers again, but she doesn’t want to talk to me, hang out with me and doesn’t even call me a friend. The word she used is associate. I know there are other women out there I can pursue but I don’t want to. My world has come crashing down around me and I don’t know why. I have never been unlike for loving someone and that’s what this feels like. She said I’m not her friend I’m an associate. How can I work with that. My neighbour is an associate who I don’t know truly. I am nearing my breaking point and want some good advice if you can please spare it. I don’t want this to be the end but it takes two to tango and right now I’m dancing alone.
Andrew writes:
I know it is devastating to hear the words: I love you but I’m not in love with you. It sounds like you’re still in shock and finding it hard to step into her shoes and look back over your marriage through her eyes.
Although from where you stand, the good outweighs the bad but for her, it’s become impossible to carry on. Why could that be? Please read ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ because that will explain how love disappears because arguments are buried – we tell ourselves ‘why bother’ or ‘it will change nothing’. However, to keep going we have to switch off first out anger and because we can’t chose which feelings to switch off, we end up in a deep freeze. That’s why she can say hurtful things without a tear.
Next we come to the other guy, I know it is hurtful but he is a symptom not the real problem. She has become so unhappy that she is using his attention and flattery to keep her going. I bit like guys use drink to dull the pain. (If you want to understand more look at ‘How can I ever trust you again’ video on this site and You Tube where I explain about self-medicating affairs, or better still read the book). So although it is easy to obsess about this man (and compare yourself with him) that will take your energy away from solving the underlying problems.
Finally, It’s great to be affectionate and do nice things for your wife. However, at the moment, it seems like you are trying to magic away the problems. In her mind, she’s angry and you think buying flowers will solve everything. Instead of ducking difficult moments, ask her why she’s upset, listen without justifying, truly understand what’s going on and then you can begin to fix things. After all, she could be talking to this other man because he listens to her!
If you’ve already read ‘I love you but’ look at ‘Resolve your differences’ and ‘Help your partner say yes’ as these will explain more about how to communicate properly as that’s the key to winning back her love.
