Ask Andrew – How can I fall back in love when I’m not sure if I ever was?
I am reading “I love you but I am not in love with you”. One of the basic tenets of the book is that it is possible to fall back in love. I question whether I was in love to begin with at the start of the marriage. I was terrified of being alone at the time and she was compatible with me even though there was never passion. How can I fall back in love if I was never in love in the first place? I feel as if I am using that line with my wife to try to soften the blow that I am not in love with her.
Good question. There was enough of a connection to get married but you’re wondering if it is enough to stay married. So what stopped you developing the passion in the first place? My guess is that ‘love’ and ‘passion’ where difficult things when you were growing up. Perhaps you wanted love from your parents but it came with strings attached. Perhaps you saw them rip each other apart? Perhaps they split up and you’re terrified that passion could cause you the same pain all over again – so you try and keep it at arm’s length.
I would read two books. Firstly, ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ to understand the impact of our childhood on us today and secondly, ‘Are you right for me?’ which explains why people get frightened by real intimacy.
It sounds like you’re about to go through a period of growth, so explain to your wife how this might have as much to do with how you feel about yourself as it does about her. Keep being honest and keep talking.