Ask Andrew – Should I wait for my lover to come back or move on and to forget
I am reading “Are You Right For Me” searching for answers. I am finding it very helpful. Two years ago, my husband walked out on our marriage. He left me and two small children, whom he doesn’t see often.
Just over one year ago, I started dating an amazing man. We fell deeply in love and spent much of our time together. I introduced my children and extended family to him and all seemed to be going well for many months.
After dating for fourteen months, about one month ago, he came to me and told me he was finding it too difficult to be part of my life as he felt I was too busy and there was not enough time for him. He also said he didn’t realize how hard it was dating a single mom. He is also from a different country and said he has been finding it difficult to adjust to this country and wants to go back home.
I was willing to work through the challenges in our lives to make our relationship work but he was past that point.
He said I was the most amazing woman he has ever met and he loves me with all his heart. But it was better to end things now, then to keep going and end it later. He did say that maybe he would miss me too much to be apart. We were both sobbing as he left.
My question is, should I wait for him to change his mind? To miss me? Or should I just move on even though my heart is so broken and I miss him with all my heart? I fear he is a stubborn man and might take a long time to return.
Whether you want to wait for him to change his mind or move on and try and mend your broken heart, the first step is the same: Understand what went wrong. If he does come back, it needs to be different and if you want to move on, you need to heal first.
So have a think and decide how much of the problem was he wanted to return to the UK and how much that you were always a mum first and then his lover (a long way down the list of priorities). I would also think back to your marriage, did your husband leave because he felt you’d ‘left him’ for the children? I know it is really hard to get the balance right – and I’m currently writing a whole book on the topic – because our children really do need us, but we should not lose sight of our own needs and that of our partner too.
As you will find out from ‘Are you right for me?’, one year to eighteen months is the time when couples decide if their relationship is for keeps or not. I wonder if you had these conversations or just let things drift. Did you discuss things like, does he want more children and whether you wanted a third child or not? If he was new to this country, did he have financial worries? Did he also have to provide for family back home?
So give him time to think and see what life is like without you. I would also use that time to reflect too. Read ‘Build a life long-love affair’ and ‘Help your partner say yes’ to improve communication. After a couple of months, contact him. If he’s up for meeting, get together and tell him your thoughts about how things could be different. If he is adamant, that it’s over, you will have laid down the foundations for the next stage of recovery (see Heal and Move On).
Good luck and be gentle to yourself.