Ask Andrew – Should I give my boyfriend a second chance?
I read “I love you but…” and wonder how it applies to my situation. I am 50 single Mom, 18 mos. ago I met a 58 yrs old classy, mature man, INTJ personality type. After dating for 3 wks., I told him I fell in love with him and started being clingy, which made him withdraw. So he told me he’s not ready for a committed relationship with anyone. He kept the distant and said he didn’t want to hurt me. He travels a lot and would text me but always keep it polite and friendly. Every few weeks, I would ask to see him and he always says yes. We would talk and have sex but never went out, then afterward he would stop contacting me and said he feels like he was using me. He said he likes me because I’m a great person and his dear friend, and he’s physically attracted to me, but he’s “not in love” with me. One time we didn’t contact each other for 4 months, then I came back. He never made the initial contact. Finally, I came to say good-bye last week, but to my surprise, he suggested that we have no contact for 30 days then get a fresh start and try again.
Could this work? Can a man change his mind after 18 mos and fall in love with the same woman? Should I try again or move on? How does your book apply to me?
Andrew writes:
I’m glad you found ILYB helpful but I think you need another one of my books ‘Are you right for me?’ It explains all about intimacy and why we both crave it but find it frightening (as it makes us vulnerable and more easily hurt).
First of all, I wonder why you let your guard so completely after just three weeks and then become clinging (which is not very attractive) and worse still, let him ‘use’ you for sex when you want a relationship. I call this ‘over-committed’. And guess who people who let their barriers down too quickly fall for ‘blowing hot and cold’. When your boundaries are up they promise the moon and stars (because it is safe) and when a relationship becomes possible they blow cold. Is this what has happened again with his cooling off period and then trying again. In my book, I explain how to break this pattern.
So what should you do? I would give him his thirty days but be a little sceptical and ask ‘How will it be different this time?’ If it is all empty promises or ‘I’ll try harder’, I would be remain cautious but it could give you a chance to try and be in a relationship without going clinging.
The other book I would recommend is ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ so that you begin to love yourself enough to truly believe that you deserve more than a man who flits in and out of your life.
All the best
