Ask Andrew – My partner thinks love should be easy so doesn’t think we have a future
I am currently reading I love you, but… I’m not in love with you. My boyfriend and I of almost 7 years have had several ups and downs, including space and him exploring his other options and cheating, though while with space, and then lying to me about it. Then we got back together and I found everything out, and we have been together now two years after and I’m still destroying us by not trusting him and he still seems to be secretive and we are hurting each other and now he says he’s not in love with me anymore. I am in the US and I wanted to know if you had any referrals for people in the US. He doesn’t like counseling and we tried it before, only 3 sessions because he thought the man was a moron and wasn’t going to help. He says we should separate so we can be better people. I can’t picture my life without him and I’m completely distraught and I want to fix it. I know we have been doing a lot of little things that just keep breaking us down, but we can’t get out of the cycle. On top of that, he says it’s supposed to be easy and this isn’t easy and he just doesn’t see a future for us anymore. I don’t know how to proceed.
It takes time to recover from infidelity and I wonder if you’ve got stuck somewhere along the healing process – take a look at my book ‘How can I ever trust you again: From discovery to recovery in seven steps’
When your partner says ‘isn’t it supposed to be easy’, I have to admit I throw want to throw my hands in the air with exasperation! Who said life would be easy? However, it’s going to be a lot harder if you don’t have the necessary relationship skills – like talking about a problem, expressing your differences and resolve the problem. Fortunately these skills be learnt. (I cover this in Help your partner say yes and Resolve your differences.)
Sadly, I don’t know any therapists in the US but wish you all the best for your relationship