Ask Andrew – How gambling effects a marriage
I have a family member who is going through a marriage break up. He was gambling and it got out of hand but thankfully with help from family financially they are ok and he is attending G A. but his wife has said its over and now he is sleeping on the floor and showering at work, He cant afford to move out but she wont give him a bed .They have 3 teenagers he works full time and finding it hard to keep a face but wont say anything to her just wondering what you think .
Thanks for your question. It must be hard to watch someone you love going through a tough time. He admits he has a problem is getting help but he’s not getting any support from his wife. However, much as we love our children (and I’m guessing he’s your son), we have to step back and let them solve their own stuff.
If he was writing to me, I’d suggest that he tries to step into his wife’s shoes. She has most probably been let down many times before – most people have a serious problem before getting help – and she cannot let down her guard (and forgive him as she’s probably done a million times before) because he could hurt her again. After all, just asking for help is not enough, you have to stick to the programme and really take it on board and make it your own. In other words, it will take him time to earn her trust.
Obviously, he has to learn to talk his wife in an open and honest way. This is hard for people with addiction issues because they have generally been ignoring their problems and hoping they will go away (and when they don’t self-medicating or blanking out the pain by the excitement or buzz of their substance or habit). So if he was writing to me, I’d ask him to read about assertiveness in my book ‘Resolve your differences’. I’d also suggest ‘My wife doesn’t love me any more’ as this will explain more about how to rebuild communication – even if your partner has a closed mind.