Ask Andrew – My fiance has cancelled our wedding but I still love him
My fiancé of 6 months (we’ve been together 5 years) has just cancelled our wedding due to take place in 2 weeks. He also cancelled a wedding with a previous partner a couple of months before the wedding. I am convinced he’s frightened of commitment but he says he’s not. He says it’s me who is making him unhappy and that He doesn’t love me enough. I have had to leave our house in a rush as he got angry and annoyed, although he’s the one cancelling it all. So I am back home in France with my family…he’s been in touch with me everyday by text about banalities like work etc. i called him twice but he seems to be sure ending our relationship is broken forever and tells me to stop bugging him. I really love him and want to make it work but I am not sure how I can ever trust him again…and not sure how I can win him back. He says everything is my fault, that he’s not happy because I am not, that I need to change but he accepts little responsibility for any of this…He says he needs space and a separation to see if he changes his mind but it sounds like he wants to just keep me hanging there just in case….I don’t know what to do.
Of course you don’t know what to do! You’re in shock, mourning for the marriage that isn’t going to happen and probably incredibly angry. So I wouldn’t make any big decisions at the moment, just get lots of TLC from your family and concentrate on getting through the next few weeks.
When the dust has settled, I’d like you to think about the following. Your fiancé is a serial dumper. Once is unfortunate. Two is a habit. So I’m not surprised that you can’t trust him! Certainly, it seems to me that he blows hot and cold. He wants you when he can’t have you and when he can, he feels hemmed in and disappears, and then of course he feels safe but lonely and starts to miss you. I explain more in ‘Are you right for me’.
I’m a firm believer in relationship problems being six of one and half a dozen of the other. So although he’s trying to dump all the blame onto you (which isn’t fair), it’s equally unfair to say it’s all down to him. Is he right that you’re not happy? Do you have low self-esteem and want him to boost you up? If there is a whiff of truth in his complaints, I would read ‘Learn to love yourself enough’.
Although this has been a terrible experience, if you use it to learn about yourself and grow stronger, it will not have all been negative. With some reading and self-development, you will be ready to meet someone who really does care and form a long and lasting relationship with him.