Ask Andrew – My husband is always on internet chat lines
about 18months ago my husband discovered internet chat sites. since then it has become worse between us, because I believe it wont stay as a “chat” but come into our home. and eventually it did. he had an affair with one of his friends, May-July this year. was going to move out to be with her but got cold feet end the relationship and stayed. we are now trying to make this work.
but i found out last week he is back on the sites. I confront him and he denies he is, has new “friends” on facebook who are “work” related friends. also a lie.
what must I do about the chat sites,the lies, even if i show him print outs of the chats, he still denies, and always manages to turn it around and make it about me, my attitude my self imagine, and the famous line of your book. He will be 50 in feb. Is it a mid life crisis?
do you leave your husband who “lives you, but i am not in love with you” – ” you like a sister to me” .
Andrew writes:
Of course you can leave a man who cheats on you, doesn’t love you and wants to be your brother. You don’t need my permission! However, it sounds like you love him and want to make the marriage work.
I know it is horrible to think of him chatting to other women on the internet but it is pointless getting into an argument about whether he is cheating or not – because it will just end up with lies, more dissembling and another argument (where he will probably blame you again).
So I think you need to approach this differently, instead of talking to him when you’re upset (and finding hard to remain calm) talk when things are going OK between you. Not about the other women but about your marriage, what does he think has gone wrong? Why has your sex life deteriorated down to virtually nothing? Why did he need to seek solace with another woman? Don’t defend yourself – I know this will be tough – but find out what’s at the bottom of this? It could quite easily be how he feels about his life in general, his job, his regrets and his fear of the future. Just listen, ask questions and then some more questions. Afterwards, thank him for his honesty and tell him you’re going to process it all.
If it is just ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ read the book and I’ll explain how to fix it. My guess is that this problem has tipped over into infidelity – probably more than once (as some of these ‘friendships’ will be inappropriate) and that you should read ‘How can I ever trust you again’ to discover how to recover from affairs.
However at the bottom of ILYB and infidelity is poor communication, these men don’t feel that can tell their misery because they don’t think it will be taken seriously. So they shut up, push their feelings deeper underground, switch off not just their anger but their loving feelings too. Once they feel this dead, the only way to feel half alive is by flirting with other women and the high of someone finding them attractive. (Except it is a bit like drinking to solve your problems, just digs the hole bigger). To find out how to communicate better – as you communicating better will help him open up – look at Resolve your differences and Help your partner say yes.
I know this sounds like a tough road ahead but don’t bury your head in the sand any more. If you were honest, I guess you knew where this was heading for a long time but hoped for the best. Please take action now before it’s too late.
