Ask Andrew – Anger is eating me up and stoping me from moving on
I have always suspected my husband of being unfaithful. I have tried talking to him about it honestly over the past 12 yrs of our marriage but he has always lied his way through our discussions. And since I could never find any proof, I had no choice but to drop the issue.
However, I recently discovered evidence of an affair that took place in 2006. That gave me all I needed to kick him out of the house and I am now preparing to divorce him (we have 2 children, age 11 and 10).
The thing is, this affair in 2006 is the only thing I have to go by. He has hidden his tracks well all this while. The thing that is eating me up inside is the fact that I KNOW he is currently having another affair with another woman but he is keeping it a secret. It makes me more than a little angry to know that I am unable to prove this.
Here he is telling everyone that he can’t afford child support when in actual fact he is spending time with his mistress.
Please tell me how to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I know I should just leave him be and try to move on. But I just find him so despicable and the anger inside me is eating me up.
Andrew writes:
Personally, I would be shocked if he WASN’T having an affair. Divorce and marital breakdown is a horrible experience but men and women tackle it completely differently. Women have a circle of friends that they can turn to for support and help them through their bad times. (So they tend to make better recoveries because they end one relationship before starting another.) Men push their feelings away – rather than trying to understand them – and their mates will buy them a drink but basically they are useless at coping with trauma too. (And actually many men don’t have friends, they have work colleagues and acquaintances.) So what do they do? Boost their self-confidence and get a feel good high from shagging a woman (apologises for my language but that’s the most polite word I know for it) and if he’s lucky, she’ll cook him a hot meal too.
So why do you need to prove this affair? I can PROMISE you that it exists. If you truly need the evidence, a private detective would give you chapter and verse within twenty-four hours. The bigger question: What would having the proof change? Personally, I think, nothing! It would just make you angrier and more bitter. And not only is that a horrible emotion but it will poison your relationship further with your soon to be ex. Like it or not, you still have to be co-parents. It might make you feel a little better to be able to show your children that their dad is an adulterous, cheating bastard but it will screw them up (more than they already have been) and just book them a place in my counselling office in twenty years time. I know it’s HIS FAULT but please don’t make a bad situation even worse.
So what do you do? I honestly think you need to dump all of these pain out of your system or it will metaphorically eat your heart up (and you’ll never find love again.) So start a blog – I’m sure it would be very popular – or keep a private a diary or start seeing a therapist. You’re waking up after a horrible nightmare, this is the moment it could start to get a little bit better, please seek to heal rather than go chasing after more dragons. You’ll only get burnt.
