Absolution

Definition:

a) release from guilt, obligation or punishment.
b) given by a priest to someone who has confessed their sins.

Symptoms:

Months after an affair has been discovered and ended, the half that strayed is still getting snide remarks - especially if there is cheating on the TV. All the circumstances have been discussed, normally long into the night, and the couple have decided to put the affair behind them. However it is not that simple. One half still feels guilty and the other angry. Almost in desperation, the person who had the affair wails: ‘I just want absolution.’

Roots:

This is a religious rather than a psychological term, inherited from the Roman Catholic Church. Originally there was a strong link between organised religion and counselling. CRUSE, which helps widows and widowers, was founded by the Quakers in 1959. However CRUSE is now entirely secular. The Westminster Pastoral Foundation, the nation’s largest charitable provider of general counselling and psychotherapy, was established by a Methodist minister in the 1970s but has weakened its religious connections too.

Religion might have been relegated to the corners of national life, but we still have the same spiritual needs. We enjoy daytime TV shows because guests are always confessing weakness - the post-religious version of sins. Trisha, Kilroy and Jerry Springer are obviously the priests. However there is no absolution. Springer might come closest with his ‘final thoughts’ but nobody really imagines his guests will get anything beyond another round of recriminations. So it is no surprise to discover that pop psychology is filling the gap. Meanwhile our attitude to counselling is turning a full circle too. What we previously asked priests, we now asks therapists. But is this a good idea?

Solution:

After my partner died, I went for counselling but it was a disaster. Instead of receiving absolution that I’d done enough, I just felt more and more miserable. All my questions had a spiritual dimension. What is the meaning of life? Is there life after death? Even a priest would find these tough questions, but at least he would have received the appropriate training. All my therapist could do was turn the question back and ask what I thought. No wonder I became so frustrated.

After an affair, many couples visit a counsellor’s office seeking absolution. How can their guilt be eased and how can they move on? Perhaps it is helpful to look at what happens in a Catholic confessional. Step one, the person making the confession has to state all their sins - no omissions. However when someone confesses to an affair, their partner always suspects something is being held back. Step two, the priest has to understand the gravity, circumstances and the particulars of the transgressions. The partner will have lots of questions, some of which they will want answering and others they are too afraid to ask. Step three, the person confessing makes a full repentance and a firm commitment not to sin again. The partner, meanwhile, wonders if the affair is over and whether the couple are still in contact. Step four, the priest gives absolution. It goes without saying that this is much harder for the person who has been cheated on.

Why do some couples get mired in the pain after an affair? In my experience, this normally happens because one half has tried to move on too quickly. Let’s face it, confessing to an affair is both painful to do and painful to hear. The temptation is to get everything over as quickly as possible. However the person cheated on is left with unanswered questions or still wanting to express their hurt. The whole process takes time and like the Catholic confession is more complex than at first sight.

Absolution is very appealing. What could be better than having all your sins and guilt wiped clean? In time, most people learn to forgive. As for absolution, maybe that can only be given by God - and certainly not by therapists.

First published in The Times.