Andrew G Marshall

Over the past ten plus years of easy credit, cheaper manufactured goods and rising living standards, most couples have managed to juggle their money without coming to serious blows. When there have been problems, it has been reasonably straight-forward to refinance and smooth over any differences. However, the credit crunch has put a stop to this and many couples are facing their fundamentally different attitudes to money for the first time. The result is about eighty percent of the couples I’m seeing for marital therapy need help with rows about money. In contrast, five years ago when I conducted a survey into the reasons couples entered counselling, ‘money problems’ ranked only sixth.

A typical example of a couple facing a credit crunch are Louise and Will, both in their mid thirties, who have been hit by a double whammy of increased mortgage costs and Louise’s maternity benefits ending. “We used to have plenty of money, foreign holidays and plenty of time together,” explains Louise, “but now we hardly see each other and when we do we end up rowing about money. Yet the worst part is that I feel so helpless.” While Louise has become a worrier, Will has tried to cope with the crisis by switching off. “I’m under a lot of pressure at work, so I need to relax at home or my head will explode,” he explains, “so I’ll play games on the computer or go off fishing at the weekend. Okay we’ve money problems but what’s the point of obsessing?” Like most couples with financial problems, they are on a money see-saw. So that the more one partner pushes down on their end, the higher up (and more extreme) the other goes. In the case of Louise and Will, the more ‘Unconcerned’ - at least on the surface - that he becomes, the more ‘Worried’ she becomes. It has got to the point where they find it impossible to discuss their finances as even the slightest disagreement can turn nasty and end with days of not speaking.

Nowhere is the money see-saw more marked than when couples becomes ‘Saver’ and ‘Spender’. Jake and Carol have been married for over twenty years and their joint finances are basically in good shape. However, Jake believes that Carol’s spending is out of control. “She’s always coming back from the shops with piles of bags,” Jake complains. “It’s not like they’re all for me,” she countered. “I used to buy him something nice, like a jumper, but he’d get so upset that I stopped.” Unfortunately, whenever Jake got angry - normally after discovering Carol had taken out more debt - she got depressed and felt the need to raise her mood with another shopping trip. Their problems were made worse because they had no joint bank account and instead shuffled money between personal bank and savings accounts.

Another common see-saw is ‘wise’ and ‘innocent’ about money. On the surface, Pete, fifty-two, and Samantha, thirty-nine, should have similar attitudes to money. They both had childhoods were finances were tight. Pete was the eldest of eight children and his mother struggled on his father’s postman’s salary. Samantha’s father owned a hairdressing salon but was an alcoholic and drank all the profits. So her family had started in a detached house with a garden and ended up in a council flat. However, they drew very different conclusions from their experiences. Pete became money ‘wise’: reading the financial section of the newspaper, making investments and putting money into a pension fund. Samantha became ‘innocent’. “I know nothing about money,” she joked, “if an item is reduced by twenty pounds that means I can spend the ‘saved’ money on something else”. The more reckless that Samantha became, the more Pete felt the need to hoard money. “Sometimes I feel like a little girl, asking Daddy for pocket money,” Samantha complained.

So how do you defuse these arguments and survive the credit crunch? The first step is to understand that money means different things to different people. So I ask couples to tell each other a story from their childhood. Pete remembered finding fifty pence on the beach and the look on his mother’s face when he gave it to her and the extra food it bought. So I asked him what money meant. “Power,” he answered. Samantha told about the pleasure from a shiny new bicycle for her tenth birthday and the pain of discovering three weeks later that her father had sold it. So what did money mean to her? “Enjoy it while you can,” she concluded. Other meanings for money include: freedom, security, fun, a terrible responsibility, a way of keeping score, corrupting, status, respect. There are as many answers as there are people.

The next step is to identify your particular see-saw - worried/unconcerned, saver/spender, wise/innocent, hoarder/gambler - and your greatest fear about what would happen if your partner got his or her way. For Carol, the shopper, it was: “Everything will be grey and dour and with no joy”. Her husband, Jake, was quick to reassure: “I don’t want to stop all your spending.” Jake’s greatest fear was that the house would be repossessed. It was Carol’s turn to calm him down: “I’m aware that my wardrobe has got out of hand and I’ve started selling some excess clothes on ebay.” Ultimately, they were able to see that both ends of the see-saw had value: Without Jake’s saving, they would be in serious financial hardship but without Carol’s ability to enjoy money, there would be no treats and their lives would be very dull.

Another way of understanding your partner’s position on the money see-saw is to examine your past. Although your take on money might seem fixed, it will often change from relationship to relationship - depending on the other person’s personality and attitude to money. When Will, the man who escaped his money worries by fishing and computer games, looked back at his first marriage he had a valuable insight. “She was entirely reckless and I had to keep a very firm hand,” he remembered. In effect, he had been the ‘Worrier’ in that relationship. He turned to Louise: “I’m sorry, it must be horrible for you. We should be doing this together.” Ultimately, they had found a middle position where their see-saw could be balanced.

It is only at this point that the traditional solution for money worries - getting out the bills, bank statements and pocket calculator - can come into play. For the first time, Will explained the complexities of his company’s sales commissions and why his salary changed each month. Louise felt less in the dark and more reassured. Meanwhile, Carol, the shopper, was able to reveal the extent of her debts to Jake - which turned out to be less than he feared. “Why didn’t you tell me before?” asked Jake. “I would have felt judged,” explained Carol. When they went through the monthly out-goings in their separate accounts, Jake accepted that the amount he contributed to their joint living expenses was inadequate. (Her debts were partially caused by funding items like their children’s birthday presents out of the supermarket allowance.) They also realised that their accounting system was a hang-over from when they first came together and did not reflect the realities of family life. So they opened a joint account.

Ultimately, there is no right or wrong approach to finances. However, dealings need to be transparent and honest and this is only possible if both partners feel that their opinions have been heard and valued first.

Are you financially compatible?

Look at the following questions and write down your immediate thoughts on a separate piece of paper. Don’t spend too long, your first response is the most revealing. Then give the quiz to your partner to complete and compare results. Discuss the differences and similarities in your attitudes to money, how you could meet in the middle and whether you need to arrange your finances differently.

1. For me, money represents…… (write down your top three answers.)

2. Look at the following lists and choose your top five spending priorities: car, clothes, home improvements, socialising, eating out, sports/gym membership, saving/investing, gadgets, holidays, treats, items for the house, children.

3. How much does your partner bring home, after deductions, every month?

4. How much money is it acceptable to spend on items purely for yourself in an average month?

5. What is the biggest amount you would spend on yourself without consulting your partner?

6. Without prior discussion, what is the most you would spend on something for the house or the children?

7. For me, debts is……….. (write down your feelings/attitude towards debt.)

8. How much debt, excluding mortgage payments, do you reckon that you are carrying as a couple?

9. How much personal debt, do you think your partner is carrying?

10. What is your greatest weakness concerning money?

If you looking for help falling back in love, recovering from an affair or despair of ever finding love, maybe I can help. I have a few vacancies in my new private practise. For more details, click on the counselling button on the left hand side of this page.

Twelve Stops on the Road to Intimacy

These are designed to be done one per week, but stay at each stop until you feel comfortable. If you wish to move quicker - that’s fine too. However just as intimacy normally bleeds slowly out of a relationship, it is best re-introduced gradually. Hopefully the earlier stops will become second nature, so they are continued - without thinking - even while you are focusing on the later ones.

This programme is easier shared with your partner but do not worry if he or she takes any discussion as an attack, as you can instigate the Twelve Stops on the Road to Intimacy on your own. Your changed behaviour will lead by example and create a knock-on effect.

1. Validate each other. Compliment or congratulate your partner on a job well done. He or she will probably think you are after something, but just smile and repeat the praise.

2. Grab opportunities to talk. Think back to how detailed your stories were when you were courting. Everything is in the detail, for it brings the story to life. Ask your partner to explain something from their life too.

3. Set aside quality talking time. Every couple should take stock about what they want from life from time to time. Where are we heading? What are our unfilled aspirations? Be vulnerable and really open up about your hopes and fears too. However the main aim is setting aside enough time for the two of you. We cannot be intimate if our relationship is nothing more than scraps left over from work, family and friends. Guard this time jealously.

4. Confide a secret. You might tell friends everything, but are you as candid with your partner? Choose something revealing about yourself to tell her or him. Do not worry if you seem to be doing all the confessing. Like sitting on a seesaw, your actions mean your partner will move too and over time become more candid.

5. Touch your partner. Reintroduce casual touching into your relationship. Stroke the back of your partner’s hand when he is driving the car, hold hands while she is watching TV, give him a kiss on the back of their neck when he is on the computer. Sometimes a touch is worth a thousand words.

6. Share. Take one bowl of ice cream and two spoons into a warm bath. Couples normally laugh when I suggest this one but they love it. Make certain there is only one bowl - because, after all, this is about sharing. Try feeding each other too as this can be very sensual. Feel free to make love, but remember this is also about being naked together without being obliged to have intercourse.

7. Set the scene. Take a long hard look at your bedroom? Is it a passion killer? When I’ve asked couples to describe where they make love, I’ve heard about everything from stacks of bills beside the bed to animals sleeping under the duvet. Have a clear out - the bedroom should be a stage for your passion, not a dumping ground. Make certain the room is warm enough, the lighting kind (candles are a good tip) and that there is a lock on the door. Finally, add a sound system to set the mood and to prevent worries about being overheard.

8. Slow down your lovemaking. Intimacy needs time. Unfortunately, men often head straight for the genitals and women sometimes want to get things over as quickly as possible. As we hurtle down the highway, intimacy is left on the hard shoulder. Avoid the temptation to say anything about this during lovemaking. However nicely put, the comments will still be heard as criticism. Instead slide his or her hands to somewhere else you would like to be touched. Add a positive affirmation: ‘I love it when you…’ Another way of slowing down is to change position. For example, the woman being on top allows her to decide the moment of penetration.

9. Find new erogenous zones. Where are our erogenous zones? Answer: anywhere where the skin is thin and the nerves are therefore near the surface. The middle of your back; the under side of your wrist; elbows; the nape of your neck; the outer part of your lips - this is why nibbling can be more passionate than plain kissing.

10. Skip intercourse. Sexual intimacy is a whole body experience and intercourse should be an optional extra. Once you can be close without full-blown penetration, the stakes are nowhere near so high. Although you might not be in the mood for penetrating or penetration, you are seldom too tired to cuddle or be stroked.

11. Make initiation a shared responsibility. The person who always asks or sets the ball rolling for love making risks feeling taken for granted or, worse, being rejected and feeling undesirable. If you seldom take charge, now is your opportunity. If it is normally your responsibility, hold back and give your partner space to initiate.

12. Experiment. Try bringing something new into your relationship. It might be somewhere new to make love, like the backseat of your car down lover’s lane, or something different like one of you keeping your clothes on while the other is totally naked. They don’t need to be big changes, but something to show each other that you’ve made intimacy a continuing priority.

Extracted from Andrew G Marshall’s book ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ Bloomsbury £8.99.

Following demand from readers, I have decided to experiment and offer a few private sessions of counselling on a Wednesday evening. The venue is the Heeler Centre, Hassocks, West Sussex. (www.heelercentre.co.uk). It is right beside Hassocks railway station - sixty minutes from Victoria or London Bridge on the Brighton line - so convenient for people coming down from London.

The first session would be a general discussion about your problems, what I can offer and checking that we have a match. The cost is £75. Ideally, I like to see both partners.

If this sounds like something that you would be interested in, go to the Workshops and Counselling button on the left hand side of this page and click through. There is a box to fill in with your details.

More people’s lives today are touched by infidelity than ever before. The internet and mobile phones have made it both easier to cheat and increased the likelihood of being discovered. So it is not surprising that more people than ever before are approaching me for help recovering from an affair. My latest research shows that one in three people come into relationship counselling because of adultery. I have also received many questions to Ask Andrew (on this site) from couples who are not only struggling with ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ but also the pain of adultery.

For these reasons, I am researching the problems associated with infidelity. My aim is to understand not just the pain faced by the discoverer of the infidelity but those of the discovered too. On the left hand side of this page, you will see a button for a questionnaire. If you have been effected by infidelity, please click on it. The questionnaire has been designed to help you take stock and better understand your feelings. In addition, your experiences will also help to create a seven step programme for fighting back from infidelity.

I believe that although infidelity is painful - for everyone concerned - couples can grow through the experience and ultimately emerge with a stronger relationship. So please help me turn this belief into a reality and take part in my research.