We are told that for happy long term relationships, we need similar values, ambitions and personalities. Rubbish. The secret is to find the other half - the opposite that completes you. This might cause a few arguments along the way but it’s grit which makes the pearl. Without differences you become brother and sister, rather than husband and wife, and where is the passion in that!
Below are five sets of ‘other halves’, which all couples display to either a greater or lesser extent. Think of them as see-saws - inextricably linked relationships - where if you push down on your end, your partner goes up at his. If you’re in a long standing relationship this guide will help maintain a happy balance. If you’re looking for love, it will provide clues to finding the man with the right profile.
Emotional / Practical
Andrea’s partner died five years ago and she has recently fallen in love again with George. They had their first holiday together and although it started well, George soon became taciturn and moody. Eventually it came out that he was fed up with Andrea mentioning her deceased husband about twice a day. Being the ‘emotional’ half Andrea tried to talk it through and explain her difficulty switching off old feelings / memories. However this just made George angrier. Andrea told him how much she loved him - but he being ‘practical’ George thought: actions speak louder than words.
Explanation:
You would think that two ‘practical’ people would understand each other so well, they’d live in perfect harmony. But they are so busy doing - expecting that their partner to understand decorating the bathroom means ‘I love you’ - that they start making assumptions. Their partner, however similar, is not a mind reader and unspoken niggles become major arguments. Conversely, two ‘emotional’ partners analyse every last syllable of a row until they go round and round in circles, meanwhile nothing gets done. A good relationship needs the engaging ‘emotional’ half and dispassionate containing distance of the ‘practical.’
Solution:
Rather than pushing down on her half of the see-saw, Andrea needed to use language George understood. This is hard, because in a crisis we retreated into ourselves and our normal behaviour becomes exaggerated. However after counselling, Andrea decided to put away half the photographs of her deceased partner. She was surprised how it helped her long term bereavement recovery and on his next visit the changes were immediately noted and appreciated by George. It might have taken him several hours to talk about it, but when he did Andrea felt particularly good, after all he had replied in her language.
Extrovert / Introvert
Kate, 45, had been married to Alan, 46, for nearly twenty years. Since their children became teenagers, and baby sitting is less of a problem, she has wanted to go out more. However Alan feels that they’ve spent a lot of time and money on their home and wants to enjoy it. Kate feels particularly aggrieved because Alan was originally attracted to her out going personality but now complains she has time for everybody but him. Kate has been partying a lot with her girl friends and the couple are drifting apart.
Explanation:
In general there are two ways of making sense of the world. Extroverts turn to other people to validate themselves. Introverts get their sense of achievement from within.
Under stress, each half retreats into their core beliefs - pushes down on their half of the see-saw - and is no longer capable of understanding their partners point of view. The Introvert turns inward. Their motto is: ‘withdraw, be still, work out what’s happening and plan.’ For them everything has to be under control. What they fear the most is chaos. Meanwhile the Extrovert turns to friends and family. Their motto is: ‘Don’t just sit there thinking, do something.’ Their top priority is relationships. Their greatest fear is being rejected and abandoned. In a crisis extroverts are often first to crack, after all life looking outwards is always harder.
Solution:
Kate and Allan had to set aside their prejudices about one and other and find a middle way. Allan agreed to go out more as a couple. Kate agreed to spend more evenings at home but they would cuddle on the sofa - rather than watch TV from opposite ends of the living room or pursue their hobbies separately. After all introverts need extroverts to bring them out of themselves, while extroverts need the inner strength of the introvert. To understand your different priorities try this exercise - hear each other out for five minutes without challenging. Afterwards repeat back your partner’s position, to be 100% clear how they feel and not making any assumptions. Change round. Finally look to build a bridge between your two world views.
Improviser / Planner
Mike and Sara’s attitudes to their 50th birthdays could not have been more different. She wanted to book a swanky venue months in advance and send invitations stipulating a glamorous dress code. Failing that to canvas friends about fun ideas - like renting a cottage in the Lake District for the weekend. Meanwhile Mike suggested ringing round a week or so before his birthday asking who’s up for a good night out. Worse still in Sara’s eyes: seeing what he felt like on the day.
Explanation:
With Britain working the longest hours in Europe, our free time has never been at a higher premium. So when couples have different ideas about how to unwind, it can cause spectacular rows and even divorce. It’s not just leisure - attitudes to our careers fall onto this see-saw too. Planners always think of the next rung and improvisers trust to fate. These arguments can really polarise a couple. The more the ‘Planner’ takes control, the more the ‘Improviser’ just relaxes on the sofa - and drives their partner wild with frustration. The more the ‘Improviser’ leaves everything to the last minute, the more the ‘Planner’ takes over and ends up nagging.
Solution:
Sara and Mike needed to appreciate each other’s strengths. By forever focusing on the next rung up the ladder of success or the next perfect weekend, Sara couldn’t fully enjoy today. She also missed out on unexpected pleasures - like a walk in the woods on a frosty morning. Mike was very good at just these things. However without Sara he would have spent his 50th birthday with food from the local Chinese Take-Away because all the good restaurants were booked. Sara has also been the drive making him seek promotion. Remember we chose our partner for a reason - they possess complementary skills or put us in touch with elements of our personality we often overlook. Improvisers need Planners, and visa versa.
Optimist / Pessimist
Peter could put the best spin on everything. His mother put him into care when he was in his teens but Peter believed the experience toughened him up and, comparing himself to boys there, made him realise how lucky he was. However his partner, Rosa felt he brushed problems under the carpet. How could anything ever be solved, if it was never properly examined? Peter accused Rosa of always expecting the worse (being a pessimist) and Rosa felt he banked on the best outcome (being an optimist) Interestingly enough, both considered themselves to be realists!
Explanation:
Couples that really identify with this see-saw view the world in very black and white terms. Because there is no grey - or middle ground - the rows are long, bitter and sometimes even violent. Worse still because they can’t hold onto good and bad at the same time, these couples alternate between thinking their partner either devil or angel. This see-saw can work well if couples do not get stuck at one particular end, but alternate according to the circumstance. An optimist can cheer up a pessimist, and a pessimist keep an optimist’s feet on the ground.
Solution:
Instead of trying to convince each other that they were right, Peter and Rosa learnt to listen. No longer trying to win the arguments, they were able to take one niggle at a time. (In the past, they had lobbed in some other disagreement if they seemed to be losing.) Finally they could focus on the complexity of each issue and see they could be both right and wrong at the same time. Their world had become multicoloured.
Spender / Saver
While Bernie, 57, had a top job in advertising this see-saw was not an issue for either him or his wife Julie. However he decided to quit the rat race and get a local job - rather than commuting into London. Yet he didn’t cut his cloth accordingly and Julie found his credit card debt spiralling out of control. The more she tried to budget, giving him five pounds a day to spend on himself , the more she was pushing down on the sensible end. What happens? He shot into the sky, like a care free child - and even started buying things like computer games!
Explanation:
Money is never just about money. It is intertwined with issues of power, security, freedom, dependency, and control. For Bernie, a spending spree increased his self esteem - which had been undermined by the loss of his prestige job. Budgeting would never solve the problem, as it was tackling the symptoms not the cause. The money problems got worse as Bernie felt like a child being doled out pocket money. Eventually, Bernie found a new ways of boosting his self esteem - being voted onto the Parish Council. What’s more - it cost nothing at all.
Solution:
Exactly what money means to your partner depends on how it was used when he was a child. Ask who controlled the purse strings back then, to get a greater understanding today. Next write all your current spending priorities on a set of cards (house, holidays, children, entertainment etc) and do the same for him. For step three: both of you put the cards into order, from most to least important and discuss them. This provide a platform for understand your individual priorities and staring negotiations. If you’re looking for love, don’t assume that you will always opt for the same end of the ‘other half see-saw’. You might have been, for example, the ‘spender’ in your last relationship, but when two ‘spenders’ fall in love one half will eventually take responsibility for managing money and become the ‘saver’. Remember Spenders need Savers to avoid the bankruptcy. Savers need Spenders to actually enjoy their money. Together your skills add up to one very successful partnership.
Cherishing the differences between you and your partner can make a real difference to your relationship. For more information see the chapter on Identity - does loving you stop me from being myself in ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.’