For example, in 2008, we resided in Atlanta where I was attending the police academy. My girlfriend who is now my wife at the time had a city job. At this time we were both living in nyc. She quit her to move to Atlanta with me and while we were living there we got pregnant and we had an abortion. At the time she didn’t want but I pressured her to do it because of financial reasons. Thinking about it now this decision had an emotional affect on her. I also complained about how bored I was while living in Atlanta and was persuaded by my mother to move back to nyc. My wife didn’t want to go back because she felt we like we haven’t given atlanta a chance and most importantly the cost of living was much cheaper. At that time of this decision my wife was unemployed and the job market was horrible. Even though financial factors played a part in our decision I now regret leaving because we didn’t make the decision on our own as a couple. I let my own mother persuade me.

I wasn’t stepping up to the plate and being a real man. I should of been more a man and took care of her and the baby that she was going to give birth to. I now feel like a coward and whats ironic is that the problems started when we returned to nyc. It’s been about 3 weeks since I saw her with another man and we are now on.speaking terms. Right now she is living at her mothers house with our son and I’m living with my mother. I decided to try to become a better person. I’m going to attempt to go back to school and I’m attending counseling to restore my confidence and self esteem. As I stated before I have convinced myself to forgive her because its the past and I still love her. My question to is do you its possible for me to get my wife to love me again the way she use to.

Andrew writes:

I have to admire your honesty and your determination to step up to the plate. So will it be enough to get her to love you again?

I have to be honest this is a tough one. She is not only mourning two miscarriages and her dad – but this will have exacerbated the feelings about the abortion. Not surprisingly, men and women approach abortion in really different ways. Men think of practical things – like money. Women think about emotional stuff – like this is a baby growing in my womb. If they feel pressured into an abortion by their partner that takes some forgiving.

However, you’ve made the first step: A full and frank disclosure of your behaviour to yourself. Next, you need to make a full and unreserved apology to your wife for your contribution to the situation. Start with everything you regret (without the mitigating circumstances – because that will sound like an excuse) followed by an acknowledgement of how it made her feel. Finally, tell her of your plans to be a better man. Don’t expect her to react straightaway, she will need time to think and you’ll need time to prove that you mean it (and its not just talk).

In the meantime, I would read my book on affairs ‘How can I ever trust you again’ as it will help you understand why she did it and help you to get over it. I would also read ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ so that you begin to deal with your self-esteem issues.

I can’t pretend that the road ahead will be easy but whether she gives you another chance or not, aiming to be a better man will leave you a winner. So summing up, you’ve made a great start to winning her back, you’ve now got to follow through.

Andrew writes:

I want to you to congratulate yourself for owning up to depression and getting help. It’s tough to ask for help – especially for men who are socialised to sort everything out for themselves.

So how do you move forward? I think your number one concern at the moment is dealing with the depression (that’s a tough enough battle without trying to save your marriage too). But don’t just disappear into yourself, please explain where you stand and what you want to your wife first.

I would meet up for a coffee and give her a report about your therapy, what you’ve learned and your hopes for the future (for yourself). Next, I would apologise for your contribution for what went wrong. (If your wife wants to talk about what it’s been like for her, listen, reflect and discuss with your therapist. ) Explain that you’re not ready to talk about the future until you’re stronger. Finally ask for what you’d like in this new uncertain period. Should you stay with weekly phone chats? Would you like to meet up for dates – but no deep discussions? Would you rather have no contact? Be prepared to listen to what works for her and enter into a negotiation.

In the meantime, work on yourself (Read ‘Learn to love yourself enough’) and your communication (‘Resolve your differences’ and ‘Help your partner say yes’) and intimacy (Make Love Like a Prairie Vole). Read all my other posts to men and women who are battling to save their relationship on their own, so that when you’re stronger, you’re ready to give this your best shot (rather than going off half cock) and be the kind of man she needs and you want to be.

Good luck.

The ILYB came as such a shock, not only to me, but everyone who knows us. I just didn’t see it coming at all. The reasons he gave for ILYB were incredible, he said I had changed since my mum who was only 54 died suddenly, which maybe I have, but losing someone that close does change you. He criticised me for wanting to keep the house tidy. I am a full time mum, so felt that was my job. He said maybe the kids didn’t need a nice clean house, maybe they just needed a fun mum! I had just spent 6 weeks of the summer holidays doing something with them every day! He said he hoped the move  to the new house would be a fresh start, one that I was not aware of! I appreciate that the breakdown in any marriage is down to both partners, and I am far from perfect & know I have contributed to our problems.

Reading your ILYB book has certainly helped me to see where we were going wrong. The problem I have is  that he just hasn’t wanted to really discuss where we  went wrong, just says we are going over old ground. I asked him to come to counselling with me, but he refused and said how come I could go to counselling now and not when my mum died. I told him I didn’t feel I needed it then, but I did now to save our marriage. He decided he was going to leave & go to stay with his parents. The night before he told the kids & left I asked if he wanted to give it a go & he simply said no. I am heartbroken &a devastated, as are the children. I still love him and want more than anything for us to save this marriage. I am ashamed to say that at the beginning I handled everything wrong, pushing him constantly for answers as to why things went so wrong & what I did to make him stop loving me. The problem is he would just say nothing, he would just sit or stand there staring. It is like having a conversation with a brick wall. He says there is no one else & I do believe him. He now has a 6 month lease on a flat. Whilst he has been gone we have had to remain in contact because of the children, but it is limited because it hurts to talk to him, see him knowing that he doesn’t want me. The whole situation hasn’t been helped by the fact that he has been ill & now needs  quite a major operation. It hurts because I want to be  there with him, to hold him & love him like I would  have done in  the past. Just before Xmas he insisted that we needed to sort the house etc & decide what was going to happen. Against my better judgment, I consulted a solicitor friend who advised that we would be better to divorce as that would give us a legally binding document. I presented him with this because it is what I thought he wanted, he was taken back & just sort of shrugged off the divorce talk. I asked him that day if this could have been avoided had he spoken to me in the beginning about how he was feeling, he closed his  eyes, looked in my direction & nodded yes. He then proceeded to say that it couldn’t be avoided now could it? I replied that it couldn’t because he didn’t want it to be, to which I got no response again. I have almost finished your ILYB book and just don’t know what to do. I would like to suggest that he reads it, but he is not a big reader, so don’t think he would want to & if i am honest I am scared of what his answer would be. I am generally scared of him at the moment, he just isn’t the man I married & spent half my life with. People  have mentioned that this could be (dare I say it!) a  midlife crisis, but I am not sure. I just don’t know if this marriage can be saved or if I just need to accept it is over, move on & make a new life for me & my children. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Andrew writes:

You’re scared, your angry, you’re terrified. One minute you’re trying to save your relationship, the next you’re giving him a legally binding document. You’re all over the place, so I want you to sit down, take a deep, deep breath. This marriage CAN be saved. The problem is not your husband…. but YOU. In your anxiety, you’re pushing him further and further away and talking yourself and him into a divorce.

When you’re in crisis, it is really hard to look at things from your partner’s perspective. But I will try and give you a little insight because that’s where you need to start. Running your own business is exhausting – however much support you get from your wife. Especially if you’re doing 99% of the work and the support is more emotional than practical. Men want to provide for their families and they push themselves harder and harder – buying a lovely house and trying to make everybody else happy. Unfortunately, we often lose sight of what makes us happy (and resentments start to build up). Imagine what it’s like to come home exhausted and find your wife is either tied up with the children or her sick mother. Worse still, she’s probably to tired from all that house work, running around after children and general nursing to be interested in you (or probably sex too). Now, you know you should want the best for your kids and who can begrudge a dying woman some comfort, so you push your feeling down and repress them. Guess what, all this stuff explodes inside and because you’re a man  – and we don’t really think about feelings or talk about them to friends – they can spewing out in no particular order and make very little sense. It is just one long howl of misery. However, instead of help and support, we get jumped on (because our partner feels criticised – perhaps rightly but we didn’t mean it to be taken so personally) and before we know it we’re getting a hundred questions. HELP! So to try and get our head straight, we move out for a while. And then we’re presented with divorce papers and if that will make all the noise in our head stop and if it will make her happy…….

Does any of this make any sense? I could be wrong but I’ve met a lot of nice guys like your husband who present a happy face to the world and their partners (not because they are being devious but because that’s what they were taught as kids)but stress builds up until they feel completely overwhelmed but don’t know how to ask for help.

So what do you do? Instead of trying to solve this problem (either by working on the relationship or ending it and getting a divorce) think of this as the age of uncertainty. I know that’s tough because you think ‘if only I know where I’m going, I can start to get my head round it and start to feel better’ but if you push for certainty, all you’ll get is goodbye. If you can live with uncertainty, I believe you will get him back.

Start by apologising for your part in what has been going wrong with your marriage and for anything that you’ve done since ILYB that you regret. Even if you’ve told him before, tell him again. Next, tell him that you want to be around to support him through his operation and ask what practical support he needs. However, do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES talk about the future or your relationship. Unless, he brings it up! If he does talk about the past, just listen (as if every word is true) and go away and reflect on it. Once you’ve had a chance to digest – what is true and what is unfair – report on what you disagree about (but please don’t get angry as that pushes him away).

Read ‘Help your partner say yes’ as this will explain how to save your relationship on your own. Please read ‘Learn to love yourself too’ as this will help you understand yourself better and your particular stresses and strains. Slowly but surely, as long as you don’t push, he will begin to open up and talk about the future. Finally, you will be able to work on saving your relationship. It will take time and patience but I think your marriage is worth it.

A few months ago, we started counselling. The main problem being he wanted to go out with his friends while I want to spend more time with him. We tried to resolve this by having date nights and me agreeing to him going to meet with his friends in return. He wanted to meet his friends weekly. I said weekly would be hard at this point in time but I will try. In the end, though I agreed to him going out weekly, it was with a lot of difficulty and there was always some complaints.

After 4 counselling sessions and just 2 weeks of trying the above, my husband revealed at our last joint counselling session that he wanted a trial separation. That was a real surprise to me as even though we have our issues in the marriage, I thought we were trying to work them out through counselling. And it is not like I didn’t try with the suggested arrangement. I tried hard and it was just not working as well as I would have liked for now. It therefore, came as a real shock to me and a real disappointment. I didn’t realise that he had been so unhappy all these years. I thought that he will voice out his unhappiness like I do, as after all, I thought we were best friends and soul mates. Even though I will voice out my unhappiness, my husband may not listen to me or do as I would have wished. So I thought that I would have already compromised and given in to what he wants but it seems now that that is not the case.

Even though he wanted a trial separation, we still live in the same household and he said that we can some times have meals together and he even asked me out on dates. In a way, I am glad this is the arrangement as it seems positive but at the same time, I am confused. I am trying to give him space but at the same time, I find it very hard to deal with this situation. There are good days and bad days. Days I feel strong and that I can give him the space but also days I feel depressed and angry that I have to support him and give in to his arrangement. I mean, what about me? As we are living in the same household, it is difficult to hide my daily mood swings from my husband. I think I should have the right for my mood swings but at the same time, I am worried that my reaction as such will not let my husband have the space he needs. I don’t know what to do.

We are not really communicating other than the day to day stuff. He said he still needs time to think. I don’t know how long this is going to take and how I am going to cope. I am trying hard not to let it affect my mood and my work but it is so hard. I have no energy and drive at work. I took a few days off work but ended up feeling more depressed and desperate. I also don’t know how I am going to forgive my husband for what he is putting me through. What am I going to do?

Andrew writes:

It sounds like both of you are exhausted, unhappy and don’t feel that the other person listens. Worse still, you are having a trial separation that involves living together. In my opinion, it sounds like the worst of all possible scenarios. You’re not really certain what the rules are going to be. ‘Is he eating with me tonight or not?’ ‘Can we still have sex?’ A hundred other intricacies that need to be negotiated. You feel that you’re on show and on your best behaviour all the time (for fear of pushing him away). Do you talk about problems or just pretend there’s no problem? There is no space to think or just be yourself. You’re permanently feeling judged and found wanting.

So what are you going to do? I would suggest a weekend away at a friend’s house, hopefully in the countryside, where you sleep late, go for long walks and be on your own for while. It won’t solve anything but it will at least do something about the exhaustion. Perhaps when you come back, you’ll be able to reflect and sort out a way forward.

Let me give you some observations – for when you return:

1. It sounds like you’re both really angry with each other and saying: ‘I’m trying terribly to be what you want, turning myself inside out, and it still doesn’t feel enough.’ Unfortunately, the anger is just pushing each other away – which in turn is making you both angrier and angrier (and increasing the distance).

2. You’re both waiting for the other one to make the first move. In my book ‘Help your partner say yes’, I talk about giving with an open heart. By this I mean, giving without expecting to get anything back. (It is often the test of whether a relationship can be saved or not is whether you love enough to be the ‘big one’. But don’t worry, it’s not you making all the effort forever. If you change your behaviour – rather than waiting for him to change – that will have the knock on effect of encouraging him to approach things differently and turn the current negative spiral into something positive where you’re both willing to compromise.)

Use your therapy to discuss the following topics:

1. Are we having a trial separation (which I think involves living apart and meeting up on a regular basis) or are we working on our relationship (which involves living together and improving our communication over small day-to-day issues)?

2. How can we improve our communication? How could he open up more? How could you express your issues in a different way so it’s easier for him to hear? How would we both listen better? What would help you both to bring up personal concerns, negotiate and find a way forward?

3. What would happen if we put the ‘future’ on hold for a while and instead of discussing whether we want to be together or not but concentrate on making day-to-day issues better. (If you can – hurrah – you will have a future together.)

So in a nutshell, my advice is step back, get some rest, unload and look at the problem through fresh eyes.

Andrew writes:

I know this feels like a slap in the face but, strangely enough, I think this is a positive sign. Let me explain…. It sounds like the changes in your behaviour has begun to make him open up and be honest. Of course, you’d like to hear how much he loves you. But what normally comes out first is all the pent up frustration and, if you’re lucky, the crux of the problem.

I know from where you are standing, you have given him lots of emotional support. But from where he is standing, it did not come across. So please don’t contradict him or have a fight because that will just make him clam up. Just ask for examples of when he didn’t feel supported and what he would have liked you to have done. Get plenty of detail, so you understand exactly what he means – in order to plug the gap between you giving support and him not hearing it.

Next, I think the relationship with the other woman is not all it is cracked up to be. If he was NEVER coming back, he probably wouldn’t have told you the truth. He would have thought: Why bother? Why put myself through that grief?

So thank him for being honest, keep talking and read ‘Help your partner say yes’ so you can begin to improve your communication still further. I know it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, but you’re doing really well under truly horrible circumstances.

Andrew writes:

I can tell you what you shouldn’t do. Force yourself! You’ve been through a massive shock and every fibre of your body is saying stay away. So that’s exactly what you should do.

However, ask yourself what is lurking behind the disgust. I’m sure there is anger – which is perfectly normal. I’m sure you want to punish your husband – again, nothing unusual. However, I wonder if – before all this happened – you tended to use sex to get your own way with your husband. If he did what you wanted, you would grant him sex. If he didn’t, he’d have to go without. (I know if he wasn’t nice to you, then you wouldn’t feel like being nice to him. That’s natural. But I wonder if it went a little further and you used sex as a weapon or to control him.) Obviously, I could be barking up the wrong tree completely – because you’ve only given me a few lines but there is something about your pre-affair sex life that has sparked this reaction.

So what should you do about it? You need to get all those negative feelings out. I would start by keeping a feeling diary and pouring out all the hurt inside. Please record all your feelings, not just the negative ones, like ‘relieved’ to sit down and cake a cup of tea and a piece of cake. Slowly, you will find that none of the feelings stick around forever. And that’s a great comfort when you’re confronted by disgust! Although it won’t be helpful for your husband to hear every twist and turn of your anger, horror and revulsion, he should get the main highlights. In this way, you will begin to feel heard and unburdened.

Finally, when you feel ready, I would look at ‘Make Love Like a Prairie Vole’ which will strip your love making back to basics – just sensual touching and slowly rebuild up to intercourse and other more sexual contact. It will take time, but you will feel better.

I don’t often say this – because my inbox is always full – but if nothing has changed in six months time. Write me a longer letter – with all background – and I will make further suggestions.

Andrew writes:

First of all, you need to remind yourself that you’ve had a horrible shock. Your husband has had an affair and later confessed to further misdemeanors. It’s only a month since you found out. Worse still, he’s still working with the woman and she’s making threats. You’ve every reason to be anxious!

So what should you do? This is going to sound a bit strange but I think you should embrace your anxiety. Rather than thinking of it is as something painful and horrible and to be pushed down as quickly as possible, take some deep breaths and ask yourself: What is my anxiety telling me?

In this case, it’s telling you to be prepared for this woman ‘attacking’ you. So think, how could I prepare? Do you need to talk to your boss as work? What systems do they have to protect staff from harassment? Do you have a best friend at work who knows and can be ready to pick up the emotional pieces? If you think she will ‘attack’ at home, what would you do? What about in the street? Think through all the possibilities and where you could get support.

Next, I’m a bit puzzled. How can she emotionally wound you? Why does her opinion count so much to you? Whatever she might say she is hardly unbiased witness! Perhaps you lack in confidence and other people’s remarks strike home much stronger than they should. If this is the case, please read ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ (and build up your self-esteem).

For emergency first aid, if the anxiety gets too much, try this simple breathing exercise. Take a deep breath. Hold it. Say the number 10 top yourself. Let out your breath. Repeat but substitute 10 for 9 and so on down to one and then count back up to 10 again. Every time your brain starts to race, pick up a pen and write everything down. Take a look back at your scribblings and cross out everything that’s an exaggeration and find the meat (rather than the trimmings of your anxiety) and I bet it will be something important. Once you’ve isolated it – like above with her attacking you – you will be able to address the issue and move forward.

Keep reading, learning about what makes good relationships and working on yourself to become stronger and it will get better. Finally, don’t forgot to look after yourself and not expect too much too soon. As i started off by saying, you’ve had a terrible shock.

We do have communications issues.  I have not been the best listener.  I am a confrontational person who says what is on his mind; my wife is the opposite.  She has kept all of her feelings about us bottled up until the last month when it all came spilling out.  She has told me that she needs to start living for herself, not me.  She wants to grow as a person, and I am not the person she thinks can help her with that.  There are a whole host of other issues, most of which can be summed up as communications related.  Many times we are saying the same thing but in different ways, and this creates friction.  There have never been any infidelity in our relationship or any physical abuse.  We are currently still living together and sleeping in the same bed, but there is no intimacy.  We have placed no timetable on when we might tell the kids, how we might tell the kids, and what a separation might look like.  We are still spending the weekends together as a family at our ski house, and still have plans for a family vacation in April.  My wife told me last night that we need to take things day by day, while I told her I am not ready to give up and have asked her to keep her mind open to alternative endings to our problems, i.e. separation is not inevitable.  Our therapist has told me to give my wife psychic space, and to be patient.  What else can I do?  Can you help me with my next steps?  What can I or should I do to help this to a happy conclusion, which in my mind this means keeping my family together?

Andrew writes:

When someone hasn’t been ‘heard’ by their partner for a long time, they will have a lot of unhappiness inside and it needs to all come out. Part of that process is saying: I’m frightened we can’t fix this. So you’ve got to listen carefully and act on her unhappiness but don’t give up and think: it’s over. The fight has just begun.

If you haven’t been a good listener, you need to make that your number one goal. Use the techniques in Flop Flip and do the opposite of what you did previously. Imagine that every word your wife says is true – from where she is standing – and do you best to accommodate her requests. Don’t wait for encouragement that there is ‘hope’ make those changes right now.

It will take a while for your wife to register your efforts. There will be times when you will be downhearted but don’t plead for reassurance or ‘is there any spark of hope’ – because this will just push her further away. If you’re feeling desperate, open my book and read (or better still get the audio book of ILYB because I have narrated it myself and hopefully my calm measured tones will help you feel calmer too.) I would also get ‘Help your partner say yes’ and ‘Resolve your differences.’ as they will also help you keep working on your marriage (even though alone to start off). Remember don’t beg, put pressure on her, talk her round or sneak up on her for a cuddle. It will just show you are NOT listening. I can’t tell you how many times I see men drive their women out the door just because they want a moment of feeling better. Please don’t fall into this trap.

Your wife will notice the changes but she will fear it is just for today (or until she agrees to ‘try again’). So you’ve got to keep going and keep going (with no encouragement). However, she will stop talking about telling the children and needing ‘space’ and slowly the atmosphere will become less toxic. Once all the bad stuff has flown out, she will slowly begin to remember and be aware of your good points and you will get a fair hearing.

Remember this is not a quick fix (something us men infinitely prefer) but putting right years of mis-communication and being wrapped in your own stuff. It will take time but with patience, resisting the temptation to get reassurance and being cast iron in your commitment to change, you will break through and have the sort of marriage both you and your wife have always wanted.

Even if I say so myself, I believe we have together handled and worked through the implications and aftermath of this quite well, both instinctively and through research; it’s been a long and sometimes very painful road but an interesting journey of growth, learning and compassion (although I feel my amygdala is probably permanently impaired, and so I am treating myself very kindly and gently these days, which is no bad thing).

I am not setting out here to ‘affair-proof’ my marriage (as I have affair-proofed myself in terms of trusting myself to deal with anything that comes along now). However, in keeping with that sense of journey as a continuum, i.e. to keep on with a sense of adventure and discovery, a strong pulse, I have just bought Prairie Voles (only just bought so not read yet), and am tempted to buy another of your books. Am torn which one though. ILYB, or seven stages, or even how to trust again (i do trust again btw.) not sure if I’ve given you enough background to make a recommendation….

Andrew writes:

First off, thank you for your letter as I’m sure it will inspire other people and confirm that it is possible to recover from infidelity – even if the affair is a long-term and part of a pattern. For people who have had an affair, I hope that it will help them realise that being totally honest – rather than holding stuff back – will help recovery (as often the other partner instinctively knows and having it denied all the time stops the  trust from returning.)

I hope you enjoy Prairie Voles. I think it will give you plenty of ideas for rebuilding your relationship after an affair. (I’ve even written a section specifically on this subjects in Chapter Six but I suggest that you start the beginning and work your way through).

If you’re still in love with husband, I would suggest Build a life Long Love Affair. It has an the material about what makes a good relationship and how to improve it (without the assumptions that you are in crisis at the moment). I would also consider ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ as it will explain the journey that you’ve been on. It will probably make you feel less alone – as it is full of stories of couples just like you.

Finally, well done for holding your nerve, keeping an open mind and listening to your husband (even when it was really hard).