He has always maintained that he loves me and wants our marriage, however the affair continued after I found out and I asked him to leave which he did for 3 months and during that time the affair did not continue. He then returned and we are starting to rebuild our marriage.

She is now pregnant by her husband. However, she is next in command in the company and my husband maintains that she is the best person he has ever worked with, they have a bond and although he has recently resented her now wants to get past this and continue with their working relationship as it was – which was very close.

I have told him that their bond makes me uncomfortable and he understands this, however he is planning on taking her for lunch for her annual appraisal. I am starting to feel that the emotional connection has not gone away. How do I communicate this without becoming a dictator – he does not appear to understand this?

Andrew writes:

I let a great big sigh when I read your letter. I can’t tell you how many hours, I spend with clients on this problem. The situation is made worse by your husband continuing to lie after being discovered. I’m also puzzled about why a work appraisal is done over lunch?

So why have you hit this roadblock? I think it is one of three possibilities or possibly some combination:

1. You haven’t explained your case properly. (I have to say ‘uncomfortable’ would not describe my feelings more exasperation, annoyance and a dash of anger: How can he expect to have a close working bond with this woman after he betrayed your marriage?) Maybe you’ve been so keen to save your marriage that you’ve not been entirely honest about how much you’ve been hurt or did not lay down clearly the conditions for him to return – especially about on-going relations with the OW. What would happen if you were honest? It does not mean that dictate but explain clearly the impact on you, what is acceptable and what isn’t (if he wishes to stay married).

2, He doesn’t feel heard. (In his mind, he has a good case for continuing as before and, if only, you would listen, he could talk you round to his way of thinking). So have you ask him to explain, in detail, how it work, what would be the boundaries between allowable contact and tipping back into an affair? Don’t interrupt, get upset or contradict, just let him lay out everything and ask questions to get clarification.

3. The two of you don’t know how to negotiate. The answer is probably not going to be you having your way (she leaves the company and never speaks to him again) or his way (they can continue their friendship as if nothing happened) but somewhere in between. What is stopping you from finding a compromise that would be acceptable to both of you?  You might like to read ‘Help your partner say yes’ and ‘Resolve your differences’ to improve communication and find a middle way through this problem.

My husband has said he wants out of our marriage but has not yet asked for a divorce or a formal separation.  I would still like to try and reconcile but do not think this is possible while he is still involved with his colleague.

He has not told his family or any of our mutual friends. Would you recommend exposing the affair to his family to try to get him to end it?

Ask Andrew:

You can’t work on your marriage if he’s still involved with his colleague but you can’t build bridges with your husband if you’ve put his back up by exposing him to his family (and guess whose side they will take). Worse still, where do you think he would go for your support in the fall out? Yes, his mistress! So rather than blowing their relationship up, you could be pushing them closer together. He can also paint you as ‘cruel’ or ‘went behind my back’ and further justify ending the relationship. I know you’re angry and hurt but lashing out won’t help in the long-run.

So what should you do instead? Please find out more about affairs, why they happen and how to recover for them. There’s more in my book ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ You’re right at the beginning of your journey – shock – and that’s the worst place to make lasting decisions. Keep talking to your husband, find out more about the affair and only when you truly understand can you decide the best way forward.

He’s English, I’m French girl and we’re now moving to France for a year so I can be with family and he can practice his French. There’s been a lot of tension about this, he’s obviously nervous about moving countries. Now I’m in France and when he’s coming over it will have been six weeks since we saw each other, it’s never been that long before. I do miss him and I think of him, I just don’t have “that feeling”. I want it back and I feel that maybe it is my fault.

He’s told me that I’m not communicating and that he doesn’t know what I feel. I’ve had issues in the past with friends and loved ones letting me down but I try to tell him what I feel. I don’t know what to say – I just get very upset and get embarrassed about being upset when we talk about issues. We are close and can discuss things, but I’m afraid that he will think that I’m needy and clingy, so I’m rarely asking for help, something that seems to frustrate him.

Two weeks before I left for Paris, we broke up but made up later that night. He said he didn’t feel that I relied on him and told him things. Ever since I’ve felt a bit empty and heartbroken, even though we’ve continued kind of like before. I love him but sometimes I just feel nothing. I’m afraid of talking with him about it in case it just starts the argument all over again. Andrew, I’m so sorry about the long letter but I don’t know what to do – I feel like I’m ruining it all despite really trying hard to show that I care. What can I do to solve this and get the feeling back?

Andrew writes:

I wonder if it’s not so much that you’ve lost that ‘feeling’ for your boyfriend but that you’re frightened. By agreeing to move to France with you, he has revealed just how much he loves and cares for you. On one hand, that’s great. But on the other, it means that you’re relationship is really serious – not just live-in boyfriend but maybe together forever. As you admit, you’re frightened of being let down and although you can trust him enough with your heart to be boyfriend and girlfriend, this is a whole new level.

So what should you do? Firstly, you need to explain your fears to your boyfriend. Once they are said, they will suddenly seem manageable. You could also find that he has concerns too. Secondly, once you both know the pressure points you can do something about them. For example, if you are worried about him knowing nobody in France and being reliant on you – so you don’t get any time to yourself – you can build breaks into the weekend. Perhaps you could play tennis with friends on Saturday morning but spend the rest of the weekend together. (There is more about intimacy, why we fear it and how to deal with the fall out in: ‘Are you right for me? Seven steps to getting clarity and commitment in your relationship.’

Next, I think it would help to understand your fears better and why you expect other people to let you down. It might be poor self-esteem or down to something that happened in your family when you were growing up. (Does returning to France bring back old ghosts and problems with your parents?) To understand more on both these issues, you might also like to read ‘Learn to love yourself enough.’

Finally, it is better to be honest and open with your boyfriend – especially as you can talk about important stuff together – than hiding your feelings (for want of seeming needy) and pushing him away. He sounds a great guy and worth showing the real you, in all your glorious complexity. Go for it!

Needless to say I asked if there’s another woman, but he gave me his word there’s no woman, that he would never cheat on me with another woman. I should have known then where it was heading. All I could hear: “No, I would never cheat on you it’s a different reason altogether, we can still make it work”. How silly was I.

Instead of hearing what he really had to say, but could not, I heard only what I wanted to hear and jumped on “Let’s fix it” wagon. I got your ILYB book, read it twice, acted on it. I pulled out all my not-to-scratch behaviours, dissected them, acknowledged them, unidentified myself with them. But anything and everything I’ve done was of no use.
I asked again and again about possibility of another woman, but firm “No” was the answer, until I jokingly asked: “So what, you had and affair with a man?” the silence that followed from his side made my heart stop with fear. Well, he did.

At this particular point he does not know who he really is. He does not know if he is gay or not.. (to me he’s afraid to accept it). He talks about trying to bury this memory of enjoyment of the affair and I cannot see worse thing he could do to himself. “Your sexuality is not something you can choose, you’ll have to find out and accept who you are or you’ll bond yourself to life of unhappiness”, but the answer now is: “I can choose to bury it and forget about it”. I cannot let him do that out of love for him and compassion; deep inside I want him to do that out of love for him and desire to be with him.

Unfortunately for me, from the beginning of our relationship until this second my heart grows with love to him day after day, it is so very deep, it is in every single cell of my body. I was surprised to find out through this ordeal that apart from my love being overwhelmingly, painfully saturating, it is also unconditional, as not for millisecond I felt it reducing, but on contrary becoming stronger after his confession.

I accept him as he is and this acceptance makes it horribly hard for me, as deep inside I know, that after I return, there won’t be Us anymore. I’m intentionally trying to prepare myself for the worse outcome, but at the same time, I know that it will be the best outcome for him if he is gay.

It is all good and clear when rationalization steps in, but when I have no more power to explain it to myself logically, all hell breaks loose: feelings of guilt, helplessness, desire to be with him to matter what, despair, fear of staying on my own, fear of never being able to feel him next to me again, not to feel his smell, touch, look into his eyes, inability to let go of him and to let him go,  powerlessness to act, as there’s nothing I can do, anything I’d attempt to do would be acting against nature..

He asks for time, I’m planning a 3 months journey out of the country to give him time and space, and also to see how I can survive on my own. We both are immigrants and have no other family here apart from each other. We spent in the country 6 years and while getting on our feet from zero financially and career-wise, we acquired a limited circle of good friends, but not the friends-in-need. Returning back to my country of birth is not an option; the place where I am now is my home.

How do I stop hoping for the best? How do I stop fooling myself? How do I put my broken heart back together? How can I help him? How can I help myself? How do I stop loving him so much?? How can I get strong, powerful and invincible again?

Andrew writes:

It is not often that I receive such a generous letter, especially from someone whose heart is breaking. All I can say is that you feel things deeply and in some ways that is a great asset (because it can bring a lot of joy) but it doesn’t make for an easy life (because the ability to feel pain is equally strong). So I suppose I wouldn’t want you to be strong, powerful and invincible – because I think that would be denying your feelings and who you truly are. (In my book, invincible means unfeeling and strong and powerful can easily lack compassion.)

So let’s look at your options, so you’ve got something to think about on your three journey sabbatical. Sexuality is more complex than just gay or straight with a lot of staging posts in the middle. One of the reasons you’re husband is having trouble labelling himself is because we still live in a world where many people see being gay as shameful. (You mention being immigrants and it could be that distance from his family has given your husband room to explore his sexuality away from their judging eyes.) However, it is equally possible he is part of a complex tapestry. Believe it or not, there are many heterosexual men who have sex with men. (They love women but get their rocks off with men because they are readily available and offer no strings contact), bi curious (occasional dabbling but do not identify as truly gay) bi sexual (equally likely to love either sex) and there are gays who have sex with women (they love men and identify as gay but have occasional sex with women or even fall in love with a woman). Sorry if I’m confusing but it is not a black and white thing sexuality.

Have a look into an organisation called the International Straight Spouse Network. They report that about a third of marriages split up on discovery. One third try to stay together but fail. One third stay together (but the gay or lesbian partner is allowed outside liaisons.) I suppose, what I’m saying is that there is no ticking clock. Your husband does not have to self-identify and you don’t have to decide on the future of your marriage tomorrow – or even when you come back again. Keep talking, keep your options open and talk some more.

Slowly but surely, a way forward will emerge. It could be still as partners, as part of a blended family (where each of your partners and the two of you meet up and spend time together) or you could go your separate ways. However, you are in shock at the moment and that’s not a good time to decide anything and the longer you talk, the easier it is to come to terms with the final outcome. For more help, I would read ‘How can I ever trust you again’ because it will help you make sense of your complex feelings of jealousy, anger and compassion. I would also look at improving your communication and buy ‘Help your partner say yes’ and if you want to understand the bereavement process ‘Heal and Move On.’

Finally, whatever happens in the future, I want to say that you will be fine. If you can face this sort of adversity with such humanity, you will attract other people with a similar energy and that makes for a wonderful life.

Andrew writes:

I want to say one word to you: Boundaries. By this I mean, what is the point between what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behaviour. It sounds like your girlfriend jumps over this boundary all the time but expects to be just forgiven. One affair is a mistake. Several is a habit! The other boundary that she is trashing is the one between a relationship and a friendship because each has different rules. For most people a relationship is something exclusive and a friendship is open (ie: you can be friends with lots of people). She can’t be going for counselling to work on your relationship and dating someone else at the same time. (I wonder if your couples therapist knows about this and why he or she is allowing this boundary to be crossed). Finally, I want you to think why you allow her to trample all over your boundaries and accept anything she serves up.

If you are still confused about the boundaries between friendship and a relationship, let me give you my take (but everybody has a different idea, so it’s up to you to work out what’s right for you.) In the gay and lesbian world, it is common for lovers to stay friends after the split and become part of each other’s wider family. This is less common in the heterosexual world – where there is more likely to be a clean break and new partners are suspicious of old ones. However, whatever you decide, you cannot just magically cross between lovers and friends over night. I think it takes at least three months to lick your wounds, recover and even think about seeing your old flame again. Any quicker is just torture – and why put yourself through it?

I hope you find ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ helpful but I think you should be reading ‘Are you right for me’ too. Ultimately, it’s fine for your girlfriend not to know what she wants but not for her to torture you with every twist and turn in her journey.

Andrew writes:

It’s difficult from your letter to work out where you’ve been going wrong. Most men fail to win back their wife because they make grand gestures – jewellery and fancy holidays – to try and solve the problem at a stroke. However, their wives think they are being bought off and it will be business as usual a few months down the line. Many men push their wife out of the door because they are looking for reassurance that ‘everything will be OK’ and ‘why can’t we work on it’ (which drives the women up the wall) rather than getting down to it and making the changes that are necessary to rebuild the connection. So I ask them to stop pushing and start changing.

I’m going to have to make some guesses about your situation. Have you really tried everything and nothing? Or have you just tried grand gestures and ignoring the problem? Have you read too many books – because they give you the hope that things can change – but not really followed through on their advice (or maybe they have contradicted each other).

In a nutshell, people loose the connection because they don’t feel listened to and that their needs, opinions and beliefs count for something. So your goal is not to SOLVE this problem but to listen. Follow all the advice in ILYB about communication, read about assertiveness in ‘Resolve your differences’ and find different ways to talk to each other in ‘Help your partner say yes’. If sex is an issue, I would also look at ‘Make love like a Prairie Vole’. Once you’ve begun to understand what’s gone wrong, you can begin to put together a plan to move forward (rather than just read the books for reassurance).

Good luck.

He says he still loves me but that “something” is missing in the marriage and has been for the last couple of years.  We get along great. We are best friends and have never had any major arguments. Our sex life it seems, has gotten better in later years. But I believe he misses the spontaneity of being young teenagers and having those feelings all of the time. I do admit to sometimes feeling that making time for sex is taking away from his rest, as he has a very demanding career. I now see that those few times of me putting rest and sleep ahead of sex has caused him some hurt.

We are scheduled to see a marriage therapist soon, but my fear is that he already has one foot out the door.  He says he “wants to be selfish for once in his life”. I fear that because he has never experienced any other relationship (especially a sexual one) with another woman this in itself will drive him away from staying in our marriage. I fear that the initial excitement in a budding relationship will cloud his judgement and ultimately make him decide to end the marriage.

My question: can that ultimately cause a man to leave? We have a great relationship, just that after all these years that spark is missing and he says he doubts that he will feel that same way again about me. He says our relationship has run it’s course. I gave my life to him and now feel like he is leaving me high and dry.

Andrew writes:

I can understand how incredibly rejecting the last three weeks must have been and why you might be full of righteous anger – indeed you have every right to be – but if you’re going to save the situation, you need to step back and instead of concentrating on WHAT he’s been saying, start to think about WHY. (I don’t know if you’ve read or ordered ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ but please do because it’s going to explain a lot about why you’ve reached this point.)

There are two things that strike me in particular, “we are best friends and have never had any major arguments’ and his statement that he “wants to be selfish for once in his life.” Although it might not seem so, these two statements are inextricably linked. It’s a horrible thing to want to be ‘selfish’ (and goes against everything I believe makes people ultimately happy) but let’s accept it for a moment. Why does he need to be selfish? The most likely answer is that he has always put other people’s needs before his own, considered his wants, needs and beliefs to be of secondary importance and therefore put up and shut up. This brings me back to the lack of arguments because the only way to live in total harmony is if one (or sometimes both partners) buries their needs and pretends that they don’t matter for the greater good of the marriage, family and children. In a nutshell, he’s put himself last and he’s fed up with doing it. Of course, there is a much better solution than ruining your relationship and running off with another woman, he needs to learn to ask for what he wants. It’s called being assertive (and I explain more in another book ‘Resolve your differences’).

Next, I want you to look at yourself. It doesn’t help to catastrophise  – ‘I gave him my life and he’s left me high and dry’ – it might feel like that but it is an overstatement (for example he’s going to counselling so you are not high and dry) that makes you angrier, panicky and pushes him away. Next, I want you to look at your behaviour from your husband’s shoes. Could he feel that you put him last and the children first? As my father used to joke when I was a child – and not without a hint of bitterness – ‘I come after the guinea pigs’. Does the needs of your children (even with minor day-to-day stuff) always trump adult needs? But he’s says nothing because he loves his children and soldiers on feelings forever second best. Has he reached breaking point because he needs to feel special too? I can’t tell you how many women I see who’ve lost sight of their husbands because they have been consumed by the business of running the family and thought they could reinvest in their marriage when their children were older. (Except they don’t tell their husbands this stuff and any way we can only live in today not in some golden moment in the future.)

Finally, try not to let your fears get a grip of you. If you are not careful your thoughts ‘he has one foot out of the door’ will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and your anger will make him flee. So take a deep breath and believe me when I say: It’s not too late to turn this round. Of course novelty seems appealing but ultimately more men leave because they feel they can’t soldier on at home and from their wife’s anger rather than the lure of what another relationship might be like.

Then her brother was was killed found dead in a river after missing for a month. She quickly went down hill falling into depression. Me working out of town only hurt matters only coming home for the weekend. She finally told me she wasn’t in love with me any more but wanted to work it out. We tried and things went well until she accused me of raping her we had both been drinking and she fell asleep I roused her with sex like we have done many times. I had a bad aim and she freaked. I immediately stopped and consoled her it was honestly a mistake.

We stayed together a year and she again told me she wasn’t happy and we agreed to try again. I was working out of town again but things were great went to the beach every weekend really talking and felt like we had it made. That’s when I got off early one day and drove home to surprise her. The boys were with her mom so I was excited we would have a long Thanksgiving weekend to ourselves. She wasn’t home wouldn’t answer the phone and finally did came home and we had a huge argument. She stayed that night then left for three days. I was a wreck when she came home she said it was over I had ruined any chance of us staying together. I gave her space and a week later she said her mom was getting her an apartment. I came home and decided to pull out all the stops. She had none of it blank was all I got. She moved we shared the boys and with in a week she had my friend staying with her. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said yes I gave it two weeks asked again and filed. I didn’t know what to do she would never agree to councilor prior now wasn’t any different. Then I see signs of meth use and was told she cheated on me as soon as I left town the whole time I thought things were good. We never quit having sex or telling we loved each other I didn’t understand.

Now she has lost the kids her apartment everything. Has a dealer boyfriend and says it’s all my fault. Last week, she came to me and said she needs help admitted to the affair but still wants a divorce. I love her with all my heart and want my family back she is totally different now but I see glimpses of her old self. How can I get my family back she won’t go to rehab? Just wants to see the boys and get better on her own but needs me to help. What do I do.

Andrew writes:

I know this is ripping you in two but I have to be honest. Crystal meth is a dangerous and addictive drug. Unless your wife gets professional help – stay clear. Otherwise, she will destroy your love for her and pull your children back into the craziness of drug abuse.

It would be much better to wait, let her get clean and then help.

She loves me but isn’t in love with me, but she has ended the affair and wants to give our marriage a shot. She recognises she has made a mistake and cant be friends with her lover any more but she is struggling to let go of him. This is getting in the way of our healing process. I am prepared to forgive her and work on this and we have already talked about what we both did to contribute to our unhappy marriage.

She knows I am a great guy and she says I am attractive, but she isn’t attracted to me and loves me but doesn’t feel it, but she wants to desperately as she is fearful of getting back into a marriage with no desire..

I feel like I’m pushing her away right now as I am giving her so much affection and love, and also wanting to talk about this which helps me but doesn’t help her as she is asking for some space.

How do I give her space when we still live together (we decided not to separate) ? and what things can I do to make her more attracted to me (apart from dressing well and physically looking good). Should I withdraw a bit of my affection and show her what she is missing? I think I tend to spoil her a lot with gifts and affection and maybe she’s taken it for granted.

I think I am trying to compare myself to her lover as for her things were exciting as they were fresh and passionate. But my wife and I had moved past that into a more mature and deep love and it seems my wife was lacking some desire for me. I just want to get it back. What can I do?

Andrew writes:

You can start by not comparing yourself to her lover. Partly because you’ll be comparing your fantasy of him with the darkest and most critical version you can muster of yourself but mainly because comparing the bubble of an affair with committed love is like comparing a packet of crisps with a home cooked meal. Sure the crisps are convenient, readily available and tasty but it is all salt, e numbers, bright packaging and empty calories – it does not truly feed you.

Next, I want you to start understanding affairs (why people have them) and how to sustain passionate sex and deep love. So start with ‘How can I ever trust you again’, move onto ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and finish off with ‘Make love like a prairie vole’. You might also find this letter from a woman in the same position as you helpful.

http://www.andrewgmarshall.com/2012/04/28/ask-andrew-how-do-i-help-my-husband-switch-off-his-feelings-for-his-friend-and-love-me-again/

So how can you give her space – even though you are living together. In a nutshell, stop pushing for reassurance, stop being romantic and talking about ‘our situation’. Instead concentrate on communicating better on a day-to-day basis. Sorry to give more reading but brush up your relationship skills with ‘Resolve your differences’ and ‘Help your partner say yes’. Next, think about all the things that your wife would like be different and start instigating those changes now (rather than waiting for her to ‘commit’ properly) as this will show that you are serious about transforming your marriage rather than letting things settle back into normal. When your wife sees that you are doing real hard stuff, rather than buying her off with presents or buying yourself new clothes, she will really feel special, admire your graft and determination, and slowly her feelings will return.

Get reading!

Life became difficult after I went back to work 3 years ago after having had our second child.  Both our professional jobs are demanding and we had to cope with a very sickly child (constantly up in the night), problems with ageing parents and a large home to upkeep.  My husband is rarely around to help with the children/home and I became more and more resentful and stressed at the lack of support when I was still trying to juggle a professional career.   We talked less, I criticised more, we rarely had sex and my husband brought down the shutters to the extent that by last November he couldn’t even comfort me when I was crying after a bereavement.  It was at that point he said he felt no connection with me any more, didn’t want to be intimate with me and couldn’t see us with a future together.  I was initially livid with him not least as I had given up my much loved job a few months before in an attempt to make home life easier for us all. His reasons for shutting down all seemed quite trivial e.g. getting a dog when he wasn’t too keen, too much tidying up but what it boiled down to was the serious issue that I didn’t respect him as I should have done and completely took our marriage for granted – I stupidly thought that we could pick up the romance once life had got a little easier with the children etc.

I discovered in December that he was having an inappropriate friendship with an attractive, young work colleague (who happened to be newly married and pregnant!) – seeing the e-mails between them broke my heart and despite accepting on 3 separate occasions that the relationship had to stop to give our marriage a chance, the contact continued until recently as I threatened to tell her husband (I just didn’t know how else to stop it).  The colleague is now on maternity leave but I am terrified what will happen when she returns to work.  We have had 3 months of counselling at Relate and really got to the bottom of why and how things went wrong.  I have read I love you but I’m not in love with you, How can I ever trust you again and Make love like a prairie vole and these books have been an amazing comfort and eye-opener for me.  I am implementing all your advice – in particular, paying compliments as his self-esteem is low.

We are really enjoying our time together now and he says he loves life with me and children but that he still sees me only as a friend and he needs passion in his life. At times I see a spark but this is only when he is comforting me when I cry or we are watching a romantic film (and he’s had a few glasses of wine).  We had sex once a few months ago (at my instigation) and it was terrible as he had his head turned away from me the whole time. When I stroke his arms or face he can be mean and say something like “Don’t do it for my benefit” but other times he will snuggle up to me in bed.  We briefly kiss on the lips but this is always at my instigation.  I am trying not to be pushy but it’s so hard to be ignored.  I keep telling myself it will take time (the last drama involving his colleague was only 3 weeks ago) as he says he gradually started shutting down to me years ago but wonder if there is anything else I can do to help as I am mindful the clock is ticking before his “friend” returns to work.

Andrew writes:

First off, I want to congratulate you on looking deep into your relationship, prioritising your life today (rather than waiting until the children get older) and realising that how you communicate over small things has a HUGE impact on your marriage. It’s not just that he feels disrespected if you buy a dog against his wishes but that it he feels unheard and that his needs will never be met. If you think your needs are not going to met, you will withdraw (because being ignored is too painful) and switch off. So well done for all the progress to date, it sounds like you’ve made a great start.

However, you’ve got a way to go before you’re out of the woods. So I’ve got three ideas that I want you to hold close and remember every time you are beginning to panic:

1. More marriages – at this point – fail because the person who feel unloved pushes for reassurance (and push their partner away) than because the other partner wants to leave.

2. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

3. The other woman is not the problem.

Let me explain, point one, I know it is horrible to feel ‘unloved’ (but please think of his love being hidden under mild depression, the bubble of an affair and all round exhaustion, if it wasn’t still there waiting to rediscovered he’d be long gone) so when you’re feeling down phone a friend, read one of my books, ANYTHING beyond trying to instigate sex. Tell him, you’re going to step back and let him make the moves in future – for anything beyond kiss hello and good bye and a hand squeeze. It is ONLY three weeks since the last drama and he will need to get his head straight and feel ready to offer any more. It is far better for him to feel his own desire rather be pressurised (which is just a turn off.)

The way forward is to get him to be assertive – open and honest with his feelings – rather than keeping stuff to himself and backing down too soon. I explain all about this in ‘Resolve your differences’. The key is making certain that you are assertive too – rather than demanding, wheedling, manipulating, playing the poor me card etc – as this will model the way forward to him. Also look at ‘Help your partner say yes’ – particularly at the section on TA . Basically when men can be assertive out of the bedroom, their sexual feelings return. So communicate better and everything will slowly get better. Start with small issues (even smaller than the dog issue which I would call a medium to big one) and build up your and his confidence for asking for what you need, saying no if you disagree and negotiating a way forward.

Finally, I think this woman is more a problem in your head. If you make her into a big issue – and drive yourself wild with worrying, you will be stressed angry and push your husband away. Instead of focusing on her (and him) – neither of whose behaviour you can change – concentrate on yourself because this is something you can change. Keep asking yourself: How can I communicate better with my husband? Report your feelings, rather than act them out and keep believing his feelings are buried not gone forever. It will get better. Honest.