At the end of February, I did a similar workshop and once again everybody was very positive about the benefits of the group experience:

‘Everybody talked really openly’

‘Very thought provoking’

‘Good to see that perfectly lovable people are single too.’

‘I appreciated the openness, flexibility of approach and the feedback to individuals.’

There is  also a half-day workshop at the London Mind, Body and Spirit Festival on Saturday 29th of May. I’m really excited about being part of this event as it draws some of the best workshop leaders from around the world. It is a real honour to be invited. This shorter workshop called How to love yourself enough is an ideal introduction to my books and my approach. There’s more details on the ‘Workshops’ button on the left on this site, but to book contact the festival direct by clicking on the banner above.

I am seeking your advice on an issue my wife and are having with our
marriage.

After 5 years of marriage, my wife set up a therapy session. I will admit
that I have been against seeking help for fear of having to open up our
marriage to a stranger. Finally, my wife went herself and during her
second session she asked me to come along and indicated that she wanted
to spend some time apart to think. I was completely caught off guard but
in hindsight, our marriage has been cracking under the surface as a
result of something you seemed to see often….the declining health of
my wifes mother who has cancer and who we have been caring for the past
2 years. Chemo every 2 weeks in our home has taken a toll and I feel
that we have not had a normal marriage in the past couple of years as
a result of the anticipatory grief. I would never change the love or
treatment we provided her mother the past 2 years since it was natural.

Howveer I cannot help but reflect how it has had a multiplier effect
on many aspects of our marriage. Financial conversations meant little
to my wife since she understandably was only focused on her mothers
impending death. Everything was secondary to her mothers pending terminal
illness. I felt like she did not hear me lately and for that I began to
bottle up my feelings and treat her more coldly.

The reality is that we had both been bottling up our feelings then
exploding. Now, her mother just passed away and the timing of my
wife moving out is terrible. I will likely take her a long time to
heal since both of her parents are now gone and she is only 38.

I feel selfish wanting to mend the wounds and begin to heal but am
confused how I should now act. I know my wife will need time but
it hurts that she does not want me around. I want to be there to help
her with her pain but I know that I am more of a distraction so she
asked me to only attend the wake briefly and not attend the funeral.
OUCH!

I did follow her wishes, as hard as it was.

I have also began seeing the therapist that she has been seeing but
I fear that the therapist has not gotten the full story yet and the
therapist keeps saying ” Well, you wife says she loves you, but maybe
she is not “in love” with you any more.” The therapist seems to imply
that if people have fallen out of love then things are over. You and
your book seem to imply that there might still be hope.

There has been no infidelity, no physical abuse, not alchohol/drug
dependence, just little arguments that turn into big disagreements
and my unhappy attitude that is the result of the past couple of years
with the pain and anticipation of seeing her mothers health dwindle
before us:( Lack of communication has led to some emotional abuse
which I now look back on and regret since I have been making mountains
out of molehills that probably seemed trivial in her eyes compared
to her mothers pending death.

I am continuing to have open conversations with the therapist but I fear
that more and more time apart without communicating with my wife is
hurting our chances of reconciling. However, I realize that my wife has
to grieve and reflect upon her mothers passing first before we move on
and tackle our recent marital strains.

Am I answering my own question here?

I am just scared that the therapists suggestions that we might love each
other but have fallen out of love is the wrong message, implying that
our love cannot be rekindled.

Andrew writes:

Congratulations on taking such a thoughtful approach to this problem. You are right ILYB and bereavement often go hand-in-hand. If the communication over this period has been ‘bottle’ and ‘explode’ - that is a terrible combination. But how horrible, to be asked not to come to the funeral! Your wife has become an orphan in her thirties and her reaction is to exclude rather than to reach out for your support.

So although your wife needs time to grieve, and pushing your marriage problems to the top of the agenda would be insensitive, I’m worried that she might interpret your respectful distance as lack of caring. If it is possible to talk with her, I would apologise for your mistakes over her mother’s illness. List all the things that you regret - without an explanation  (this can sound like justification and limit the impact of the apology). Next think of some caring actions that a friend might offer…. like cleaning out the guttering or helping clearing out the house (there’s a million things to after a death). Stress you are not going to talk about your relationship or the future, but just help out and be supportive in a practical way. This kind of solicitous behaviour will show that you love her and make her realise that you can be a port in a storm.

When you are friends again and the first three months have passed after the funeral, that might be the moment to talk about the future. In the meantime, travel optimistically, don’t keep looking for reassurance (as this will push her away) and learn to like each other again.

My husband now thinks that we have reached a point of no return. He wants a separation . We have two children and my main focus has been keeping our family together under very stressful circumstances. My Husband has made efforts but he has also continued to undermine our relationship with dishonesty and suspicious behaviour. He says he loves me but not enough to put aside the terrible arguments we have had since all of this began. I have shown my rage and anger many times{full blown plate throwing without - the greek wedding } and he doesn’t quite understand how someone can be frustrated or angry.

Since a child, I have never been a trusting person- but this has completely destroyed everything I held dear. He was the first person in my life that I did completely love without reservation. In the beginning of our relationship it he who fell for me first and so he made me feel very special and wanted. Obviously I don’t feel that way now - he barley contacts me during the day. If he goes out after work he sometimes switches his phone off even. He has a lot more work friends than when we first met and often goes out until the early hours with them.

Over the course of these two years I’ve seen glimpses of our old relationship but not enough to say to me that he loves me again and he’ll never have another affair. I live in constant fear of him doing it all again. I know alot of people would say it’s time to leave if that’s how I feel, however we have two children together and I still live in hope that it will get better.

Another thorn in the side of our relationship is that now his family think it’s time we just separate - they are tired of hearing about our arguments and think that after two years of trying it’s futile to go on. His family are not the loving kind but more matter of fact. My main problem with them expressing this opinion is that they can’t stand in my shoes - I’m the 32 yr old Mother of two young girls and I never thought that children of mine would have to be subjected to this kind of pain.

I love him still even though a lot of me hates how he makes me feel now every day. He says he love but I assume he’s not in love with me and finds it difficult to re-connect to me after our arguments.
Have we passed that point of no return ? What else can I do or we do to repair our relationship ?
If you could offer any advice I’d appreciate it greatly ,
Yours Sincerely ,

Andrew writes:

It sounds like relations between you and your husband are at all time low. Understandably, you don’t trust him. However, it sounds like he doesn’t trust you either. He is frightened of another round of plate smashing and even worse.  There desperately needs to be some bridge building before everything collapses. But how?

As you know from reading ILYB, I look for the six of one and half a dozen of the other in every situation. However,  I only have you to talk to……  So here goes, it must be hard to have your trust destroyed when you came from a family who made it hard to trust. At the moment, you must be very scared and that’s making everything even scarier. No wonder, your reactions have been verging on Greek tragedy. However, this is making a bad situation worse.  Your husband is tip toeing round all the problems, playing his cards close to his chest (in case, in his imagination, you are about to explode) and he keeps back information just in case you interpret it in what he would describe as ‘the wrong way’. In an ideal world, he would tell you things first, rather than let you discover them  and allowing  your over active imagination builds them up into something damming - when, in reality, they would probably not be so bad after all. However, he won’t come forward until it feels safe.

To break through the deadlock, you will need to make the first move. Apologise again for any behaviour which you currently regret - see the Discovered section in Intense Learning for how to make a fulsome apology. Tell him that want to commit to stop ranting - as it is getting you nowhere. This does not mean you need to bottle up your feelings - just report them instead (Re-read Attempted Normality). If you find yourself beginning to see red - however provoked you might feel - walk away and return when you feel more rational. If you explode, you’ll set back your progress. If you talk, he’ll listen and then you can begin to sort out the real issues.

Next time you’re feeling low and need reassurance, ask for a cuddle rather than confronting him about something. Whenever there’s two options - one involving a carrot and one a stick. Go for the carrot. If something upsets you, put it on hold for twenty-four hours. If it is still an issue - discuss calmly. If it is not - let it drop. In this way, you’ll learn to self-soothe - rather than demanding he does it. Finally, read ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ for a second time. Imagine your husband is reading it - what would he say, how would he describe your behaviour, is there any truth in what he might be feeling?

If you can hold onto this approach for a month, my expectation is the temperature in the house will lower, you can talk about the things that really upset you (rather than old emails) and your relationship can not only be saved but you have the foundation for sorting out the underlying problems that caused the affair.

Finally, I know it is hard to make the first move when you feel so angry. However, I helped a client last week do exactly the same. In just seven days, her husband started telling her about his feelings again and best of all, she discovered she was not as angry as she thought. Give it a try and see how you feel.

I just wonder if you can give some tips for my problem.thank you

Andrew writes:

If you are prepared to understand his point of view, you are half way to persuading him to understand yours.

Tell him that you’d like to have a better relationship with his family and ask for his advice about why things have turned sour and how it could be better.

If you genuinely want to improve the situation and chose a quiet time, he will probably explain how things are from his viewpoint. Instead of taking him to task and correcting his errors or giving your opinions, imagine that every word he says is true. What would you want to change? How could things be different? Once you have really heard him out, he will be happy to hear your position. Tell him what would make things easier for you and offer constructive suggestions on how things could be better.

If you tackle this as a team, you’ll find a way forward.

There is more about improving communication is my book: I love you but I’m not in love with you.

I’ve been married to my second husband for 13 years. This is his first marriage. Two years ago we relocated for his job (he’s a university lecturer), but shortly afterwards his hours were dramatically reduced. He became progressively more depressed, began drinking heavily (he’s always used drink as a solution to problems) and gradually stopped communicating with me in any way.

My first marriage ended after 17 years when my husband went to Austria for work, fell in love with an Austrian woman, gave up his job and went to live with her. He was back after three months but the marriage did not survive because he developed a taste for extra-marital affairs.

Four months ago my husband attended a conference in Turkey. Following his return he became even more depressed and withdrawn. Two months later he went back on a mysterious teaching assignment. A week later, I tackled him. He said he was in love with a Turkish woman. He planned to give up everything to be with her. He said he could live and work in Turkey because they respected his skills. He says they have planned children (I have two children but we have none together because he always said he didn’t want any).

We are living in the same house but he has moved to the spare room. He does not want to admit that his feelings may be a temporary obsession rather than love. I made an appointment with relate,but he refused to attend. He now says he does not think he will go to live in Turkey, so it seems she may be planning to come here. He says he is still deciding what to do and needs to be left alone. I asked him not to contact her for a while but he said he couldn’t do that.

Because of my previous history I don’t believe this is the real thing. I don’t want him to throw away everything for a short-lived infatuation. My husband is white, British and 47. As far as I can gather the woman is about 30, has never been married and is a Muslim. He says, rather amusingly, that they ‘have not had intercourse’.

I have now been living in limbo for a month. I am not sleeping and my health is suffering. Very few people know and I don’t want to tell my friends because, if it ends, I don’t want him to be a figure of fun. We know many men of about his age who have had similar crises. He always laughed at ‘mid-life crisis men’ and said he would never do anything like that.

Before this he was pleasant, easy-going and thoughtful, if somewhat dull and occasionally selfish. Now, it’s like living with a demented robot. He works and exercises obsessively and won’t discuss anything. Sometimes he seems so tired and distracted that I feel very sorry for him.

I do not think this woman will give up easily, as he may represent her last chance: a single woman of her age is unlikely to find a Turkish husband. I don’t know whether I should be nice or nasty, but I don’t really want to play games. Any advice would be welcome.

Andrew writes:

It is always better to be nice than nasty. Nice keeps open communication. Nasty just builds a wall. So let’s try and look at things from his point of view.

The middle years are by the far the toughest in anyone’s life. We have to come to terms with the reality that we are not immortal and decide what to do with the rest of my life. Unfortunately, our culture belittles this existential crisis (which everyone goes through) and jokes about a mid-life crisis. It is particularly tough for men who don’t communicate. They feel trapped in being the provider and doing jobs that don’t inspire them (or they actively hate) but feel they have no alternative as it ‘pays the bills’. Just like your husbands case, they use drink to numb the pain. It’s no wonder they explode!

As you know from experience, an affair will solve nothing. Even if this woman does come to England, she will have trouble with a visa and the whole bubble will burst (see my book for the difference between married love and affair love). Sadly, he will probably fall further into demotic robot mode before things get better.

So how are you going to survive? Firstly get yourself some support, talk to a sensible friend who has preferably been through something similar but her marriage has survived. (There is no point confiding in a friend who will simply pump up your anger.) Next concentrate on getting through the next few days, manageable for the sake of your children, rather than worrying about the future (which will overwhelm you). Read the Chapter on  ‘Coping Day to Day’ in I love you but I’m not in love with you and ‘Coping with the stress’ in Ch2 of ‘How can I ever trust you again.’  Don’t be rushed into making any long term decisions while you’re still in shock. Please don’t try and second guess the other woman. Partly because it is impossible to know if you’re right or wrong, but mainly because it will drive you wild.

Finally listen to your husband - without interrupting or disputing or putting him straight (’you didn’t want children’) or trying to persuade him to stay - just nod, ask for clarification or say ‘anything else’. When you truly understand his unhappiness, he will listen to yours and how you want things to be different. Out of this better understanding, some good will for the future might grow.

Whatever happens keep the communication lines open, follow my programme and even if he does fall further into this madness, there can still be a way back.

We are both psv drivers him a taxi and me a hackeney, we hadn’t been getting on for a long time - issues with our children and how to handle on-going parenting issues - so I guess we just drifted apart.  None the less, it still cut me to the core to find ot he was with a local travelling girl.  It hurt so bad  and still does I cant find a way to get it out of my head - even though he claims it was all for attention. What do I do its ripping me apart?

Andrew writes:

Firstly, tell your husband that you love him and that you want to save your marriage but pretending that it didn’t happen won’t fix anything. Part of the recovery process is asking questions and understanding what happened. It will be painful for both of you - but it will help to make sense of everything. When he tells you stuff, however painful, don’t rant and rave. Report how you feel and thank him for his honesty (as this approach will encourage more honesty)

Secondly, think of ways to improve the issues that caused the affair. What would bring the two of you back together again? How can you communicate better? How can you resolve the parenting issues?  This will give you something practical to focus on - rather than letting your mind run riot.

I know this sounds like a long journey but the are a lot of positives: he is still committed to this relationship, you want it to work. Grasp this opportunity and transform your marriage into something stronger and better. My book will explain how.

After reading your new book, I am not sure which way to go after I found my boyfriend of 7 years was cheating on me with another women from Germany.  We are on a break but and she has now moved to england, I’ve tried the questions that are in your book but he still explains that there was nothing going on. I’ve found three mobile phones that up to this date, I didn’t know about and that he had slept with her a week before we brought first house together back in november . To make things worse she has pid (Pelvic imflamatory diease) which she has too . i know he is lying to me . but he just wont come clean. hope you can help

rachel

Andrew writes:

You are in a really tough situation. It sounds like he is going for the deny, deny, deny approach. Some people think this will make their partner back down and the problem will magically go away - but actually it just traps the marriage in a web of bad feeling, lies and unhappiness.

So what can you do? There seems to be only two options. Neither of them are very attractive. Firstly, you put up with it and hope everything blows over. Secondly, present your evidence (calmly and rationally). Tell him that if he is not able to be honest then there is no point continuing the conversation or the relationship. If he changes his mind, he knows where to find you.

My guess is that he is trying to ride two horses - he thinks he has ‘a future’ with this woman but just to be on the safe side is trying to keep you on side. With someone playing games or so confused about his feelings, there is no point trying to reason with him: walk away.

It will be hard to carry through this threat and actually leave but I think you know this is the only viable option - but be sure you really mean it (as a empty threat is pointless). Maybe, just maybe, he’ll realise that he can’t have you both. Maybe, he’ll try his ‘dream’ relationship and when it explodes in his face, think about what he’s lost. However, he doesn’t have the guts to be honest - and does not respond to carrots to confess - I don’t think he’s worth your time.