Andrew writes:

First of all, you need to remind yourself that you’ve had a horrible shock. Your husband has had an affair and later confessed to further misdemeanors. It’s only a month since you found out. Worse still, he’s still working with the woman and she’s making threats. You’ve every reason to be anxious!

So what should you do? This is going to sound a bit strange but I think you should embrace your anxiety. Rather than thinking of it is as something painful and horrible and to be pushed down as quickly as possible, take some deep breaths and ask yourself: What is my anxiety telling me?

In this case, it’s telling you to be prepared for this woman ‘attacking’ you. So think, how could I prepare? Do you need to talk to your boss as work? What systems do they have to protect staff from harassment? Do you have a best friend at work who knows and can be ready to pick up the emotional pieces? If you think she will ‘attack’ at home, what would you do? What about in the street? Think through all the possibilities and where you could get support.

Next, I’m a bit puzzled. How can she emotionally wound you? Why does her opinion count so much to you? Whatever she might say she is hardly unbiased witness! Perhaps you lack in confidence and other people’s remarks strike home much stronger than they should. If this is the case, please read ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ (and build up your self-esteem).

For emergency first aid, if the anxiety gets too much, try this simple breathing exercise. Take a deep breath. Hold it. Say the number 10 top yourself. Let out your breath. Repeat but substitute 10 for 9 and so on down to one and then count back up to 10 again. Every time your brain starts to race, pick up a pen and write everything down. Take a look back at your scribblings and cross out everything that’s an exaggeration and find the meat (rather than the trimmings of your anxiety) and I bet it will be something important. Once you’ve isolated it – like above with her attacking you – you will be able to address the issue and move forward.

Keep reading, learning about what makes good relationships and working on yourself to become stronger and it will get better. Finally, don’t forgot to look after yourself and not expect too much too soon. As i started off by saying, you’ve had a terrible shock.

We do have communications issues.  I have not been the best listener.  I am a confrontational person who says what is on his mind; my wife is the opposite.  She has kept all of her feelings about us bottled up until the last month when it all came spilling out.  She has told me that she needs to start living for herself, not me.  She wants to grow as a person, and I am not the person she thinks can help her with that.  There are a whole host of other issues, most of which can be summed up as communications related.  Many times we are saying the same thing but in different ways, and this creates friction.  There have never been any infidelity in our relationship or any physical abuse.  We are currently still living together and sleeping in the same bed, but there is no intimacy.  We have placed no timetable on when we might tell the kids, how we might tell the kids, and what a separation might look like.  We are still spending the weekends together as a family at our ski house, and still have plans for a family vacation in April.  My wife told me last night that we need to take things day by day, while I told her I am not ready to give up and have asked her to keep her mind open to alternative endings to our problems, i.e. separation is not inevitable.  Our therapist has told me to give my wife psychic space, and to be patient.  What else can I do?  Can you help me with my next steps?  What can I or should I do to help this to a happy conclusion, which in my mind this means keeping my family together?

Andrew writes:

When someone hasn’t been ‘heard’ by their partner for a long time, they will have a lot of unhappiness inside and it needs to all come out. Part of that process is saying: I’m frightened we can’t fix this. So you’ve got to listen carefully and act on her unhappiness but don’t give up and think: it’s over. The fight has just begun.

If you haven’t been a good listener, you need to make that your number one goal. Use the techniques in Flop Flip and do the opposite of what you did previously. Imagine that every word your wife says is true – from where she is standing – and do you best to accommodate her requests. Don’t wait for encouragement that there is ‘hope’ make those changes right now.

It will take a while for your wife to register your efforts. There will be times when you will be downhearted but don’t plead for reassurance or ‘is there any spark of hope’ – because this will just push her further away. If you’re feeling desperate, open my book and read (or better still get the audio book of ILYB because I have narrated it myself and hopefully my calm measured tones will help you feel calmer too.) I would also get ‘Help your partner say yes’ and ‘Resolve your differences.’ as they will also help you keep working on your marriage (even though alone to start off). Remember don’t beg, put pressure on her, talk her round or sneak up on her for a cuddle. It will just show you are NOT listening. I can’t tell you how many times I see men drive their women out the door just because they want a moment of feeling better. Please don’t fall into this trap.

Your wife will notice the changes but she will fear it is just for today (or until she agrees to ‘try again’). So you’ve got to keep going and keep going (with no encouragement). However, she will stop talking about telling the children and needing ‘space’ and slowly the atmosphere will become less toxic. Once all the bad stuff has flown out, she will slowly begin to remember and be aware of your good points and you will get a fair hearing.

Remember this is not a quick fix (something us men infinitely prefer) but putting right years of mis-communication and being wrapped in your own stuff. It will take time but with patience, resisting the temptation to get reassurance and being cast iron in your commitment to change, you will break through and have the sort of marriage both you and your wife have always wanted.

Even if I say so myself, I believe we have together handled and worked through the implications and aftermath of this quite well, both instinctively and through research; it’s been a long and sometimes very painful road but an interesting journey of growth, learning and compassion (although I feel my amygdala is probably permanently impaired, and so I am treating myself very kindly and gently these days, which is no bad thing).

I am not setting out here to ‘affair-proof’ my marriage (as I have affair-proofed myself in terms of trusting myself to deal with anything that comes along now). However, in keeping with that sense of journey as a continuum, i.e. to keep on with a sense of adventure and discovery, a strong pulse, I have just bought Prairie Voles (only just bought so not read yet), and am tempted to buy another of your books. Am torn which one though. ILYB, or seven stages, or even how to trust again (i do trust again btw.) not sure if I’ve given you enough background to make a recommendation….

Andrew writes:

First off, thank you for your letter as I’m sure it will inspire other people and confirm that it is possible to recover from infidelity – even if the affair is a long-term and part of a pattern. For people who have had an affair, I hope that it will help them realise that being totally honest – rather than holding stuff back – will help recovery (as often the other partner instinctively knows and having it denied all the time stops the  trust from returning.)

I hope you enjoy Prairie Voles. I think it will give you plenty of ideas for rebuilding your relationship after an affair. (I’ve even written a section specifically on this subjects in Chapter Six but I suggest that you start the beginning and work your way through).

If you’re still in love with husband, I would suggest Build a life Long Love Affair. It has an the material about what makes a good relationship and how to improve it (without the assumptions that you are in crisis at the moment). I would also consider ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ as it will explain the journey that you’ve been on. It will probably make you feel less alone – as it is full of stories of couples just like you.

Finally, well done for holding your nerve, keeping an open mind and listening to your husband (even when it was really hard).

Andrew writes:

I’m so sorry to hear about your breast cancer and your husband’s infidelity. I’m not certain what you’re asking me, your letter sounds like a howl or rage, despair and disbelief.

However, I’m struck by two things. Firstly, you seem angrier with the other woman than your husband. Secondly, you write that your daughter’s feel betrayed and abandoned too. It is quite natural for them to want to support you (especially when you’ve been so ill) but it sounds like you are encouraging them to take sides. I don’t think this will help them or you in the long-term. I’ve often counselled women who’ve decided to taken back and forgiven their husband’s but their daughters were still angry and obstructive. I’ve also counselled young women who find it hard to trust men (and make lasting relationships) because their relationship with their father was destroyed – by just such a scenario. I know your first instinct is likely to be: Look what he’s done to our children. And you’re right and I agree with your sentiments 100%. However, I want you to ask yourself: Am I pumping up their feelings to make myself feel a bit better? Ultimately, I think you want the best for your daughters and that’s having a reasonable relationship with their Dad.

So what should you do? Please read ‘How can I ever trust you again?’ and some of my other books. Understand what’s happened and think about how you can find a way back.  I know it’s tough when you’re dealing with gut wrenching pain but this will pass and slowly you’ll begin to stop howling, start thinking and begin to feel a little more hopeful.

Good luck.

Andrew writes:

What a tangled web! But let’s look at the positives, you’ve learnt a lot about men and I hope you’re going to learn a lot about yourself too.

Let’s start with what you’ve learnt about men. If they want to sleep with a woman, they will basically say what it takes. Why should this be? When you’re young, women are in control of sex. They say when and if it happens. If a horny single guy goes out on the town, he has a one in a million chance of getting laid. If a horny single woman goes out on the town, she can more or less guarantee she will find a guy who will sleep with her (most probably she will have to fight them off!) It’s a bit like the oil crisis. Women are arab states – rich in oil. Men are the western world, desperate to fill up their cars and they will put up with anything (dictatorships, no civil rights for population etc).

So when a man says ‘I’m not ready to be one girl’ – you need to listen very careful and don’t think: ‘Perhaps if we have sex we’ll get close and I can convince him that I’m the one’. Because as you’ve found out, it’s probably YOU that will get caught and end up with sleepless nights and writing long letters to me!

What I think you need to ask yourself: Why do I accept a few crumbs from this man? Why do I let myself be so easily convinced by a second man who lied to me that he will be kind and loving? Your whole letter cries out for love, attention and validation. So I have to ask about your relationship with your father? I’d probably put money on the fact that he was not around when you were growing up – perhaps your parents got divorced or he was always at work. Until you can improve your self-esteem and feel better about yourself, my fear is that you are going to continue to be easy pickings for guys out for a good time, revenge or one up on their mates. So please read my book ‘Learn to love yourself enough’.

As for this guy coming back into your life, he’s hurt you countless times already and although it will give you an easy feel good fix if you get back together, I don’t think you should stand firm. However much he swears ‘this time it will be different’ or ‘you’ve been the only woman I’ve loved’. Answer to the first point: ‘What will be different this time round? To the second: ‘Maybe, but not enough to treat me properly.’ Basically, I’m saying walk on by. You’ll save yourself a lot of grief in the long-run. Much better to pick up another book in the Seven Steps series: Heal and Move On.

Andrew writes:

If you want your husband to open up and tell you how he’s feeling, you’ve got to ready for the hopeless and helpless feelings: ‘I don’t know about the future’ or ‘I’m really fed up’ or ‘I can’t see this working out.’ And not just the ‘I love you’ and ‘we’ll work this out’ nice feelings. I know this a big ask because it is easy to get ‘infected’ by his misery (and say ‘that’s it well we might give up now’) or try and talk him round (‘I know we can make it’) which makes him feel that you’re not taking his misery seriously. However, there is an alternative – just ‘sitting’ there and ‘holding’ the feelings. For example: ‘I know it’s tough, do you want to tell me more’ and then just listen. Once all the bad stuff is out, he will probably start to talk himself out of it: ‘I’m just tired’ or ‘it’s being so far away’. In the meantime, you can show him you’re listening my nodding – or if one the phone going mmh or other encouraging noises. You can also try ‘reflecting back’ this is just repeating what someone else has said. ‘So your mother has been on your case’. This shows that you’re truly listening and encourages him to speak some more. I know it sounds weird but try it. Alternatively, you could give a glimpse of what’s going on with you – for example: ‘I know there are times when I feel down too’ – but make certain that you don’t crowd out his problems with yours.

Personally, I think it’s a good sign that he’s showing his doubts – rather than just promising to try – as this shows communication is improving and he can begin to tell you everything. So hang in there.

Next, I think you need to be caerful. There is a fine line between supporting and being manipulative. For example, you write about being ‘his woman without him even realizing it’. Look at my reply ‘How to have good boundaries’ as ultimately you are his wife not his therapist! He has to want help not have it thrust upon him. Staying with boundaries, it is important for you to look after yourself – rather than expecting him to deal with your fears about other women (by contantly telling you ‘I don’t want other woman’ and offering other such ‘reassurance’). I’m afraid that comes under the category of ‘putting on pressure’. So please look at ‘Learn to love yourself enough’ and in particular the material about ‘over-thinking’ as this will help your self-esteem.

Finally, in answer to other people who’ve asked about saving long-distance relationships, I think the major difference between living in the same house and recovering from ILYB is that the verbal communication needs to be even better (as you don’t have touch and less contact time means less margin for error: you have to get what time you do have right.) This does not mean trying to keep it nice and ducking issues when you’re together but being assertive and direct (see Resolve your Differences) when there are problems. The rest of the time, try and enjoy yourselves without getting too heavy (and trying to have deep discussions) otherwise you have no normal time together. A good example of this is found in ‘Should I stay or should I go’ from someone else in a long-distance relationship who managed to pull of this middle way. (See his second letter that I posted at the end of my reply.)

In November i found out he was continuing his friendship with this other woman, and lying to my face about going away with her for a couple of days. I was furious about the lying more than anything. Other info has also leaked out in drips. Since then, we’ve been living apart in the same house, although in some ways have developed a very good relationship as friends. He finds it difficult to talk and wants to think on his own to come to a decision whether to stay or go. I have tried talking to him in a very calm and non blaming way, just focusing on how we both need to be happy and how we need to move forward, together or apart. I have said i love him and want to be with him but only if I am getting the respect, honesty and love that i deserve. I can’t make it work on my own and I cannot settle for a half life because it fits our family situation (we have a 3 year old son). He has been organising little family days out, day out for my birthday etc the last few weeks but he still won’t talk unless i ask and he still says he is confused. I find it hard as he won’t commit to anything, and won’t seek help, talk to anyone, read books etc. It doesn’t help that his friends have lost respect for him as he won’t see them. I struggle with how to move this forward other than us separating, just to get some action! It’s been nearly a year of limbo, with a difficult few months prior to that and i want to live my life!

Andrew writes:

Congratulations for sticking at this difficult situation and coming out a stronger person. I’m also glad that my books have helped.

Let’s talk about boundaries – between what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, between what is our responsibility and what is not – because I think your personal boundaries are all over the place. You desperately want to save your marriage (and I’m all for that) but you’re compromising your standards and your peace of mind to try and achieve it (and I’m not so keen on that!)

In the most obvious way, when someone develops an inappropriate friendship they cross all sorts of boundaries (in a unilateral and secret way). Once they’ve been found out, if the discoverer agrees to let the discovered continue to see the third party (unless with full disclosure and on a strictly proffessional work colleague basis) they conspire to agree with floppy boundaries. With texts and emails, it is like the third party can enter your home at any point and whisper subversion in your partner’s ear. Every time a mobile bleeps with a text, you flinch. It could be his mother but it’s more likely to be HER! I’m sorry but how you can you work on your relationship if she is casting a long dark shadow. No wonder, you haven’t got the sort of intimacy you want!!

Next, you seem to be taking a lot of responsibility for sorting your husband out. I agree that he is in a bad place but as the old saying goes: You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. And let’s face it, you’ve provided him with a thousand drinking opportunities. So I think you need to say something along the lines: I love you and I want to help but I’m going to step back until you ask for my help.

I expect you know where this is going. I think you need a firm boundary. He needs to leave the house until he is ready to give up seeing this woman and being in any form of contact with her. Ultimately, he needs to discover that she’s as much the source of his unhappiness as a potential solution to it. Unfortunately, that will take time, and in the meantime you have to protect yourself with appropriate boundaries. No talking about us. No jolly family days out. Notice I say appropriate boundaries….. because too high is just as bad as too low. So for example, it’s fine to come in a have a cup of tea while your son is getting his stuff for a day out with his dad but not a sleep over or a meal (obviosuly, where you set these limits is up to you, I’m just giving examples.) I’m sure once this is all in place, you will be able to breath easier and have a huge load taken off your shoulders.

Finally, you need to deal with uncertainity. This is not a break up, just space for him to get his head sorted and for you to get your day-to-day life back together. Your door is always open if he wants to have a review but don’t drop hints, ask how he’s doing or apply any pressure of any sort. My hope is that once the triangle situation has been removed his ‘friendship’ with the other woman will collapse and he will finally be ready to do the things he should have done last February. OK it will take time but believe me, it’s better to have a lump of uncertainity than dash for certainity and split up (which gives a short boost – rather like stopping hitting your head against a brick wall – but is incredibly difficult to reverse.)

I’ve been on a relation with my girlfriend for six years now. We moved together a couple of years ago, but 4 months ago she moved to a foreign country because she was offered a great job opportunity (by then we were on a bad stage of our relationship; the ILYB happened only a couple months earlier). I supported her, but deep inside I felt it was wrong. Specially because I don’t speak the language – contrary to her – and even though she told me I would meet her there and make a life together, I never really believed it would be that easy.

Ever since, we’ve been working on our relationship. The separation made us well and gave us time to think on what we were doing wrong and start acting differently. Actually, in the first weeks of separation (and before we started to change) I was really hurt and made a decision to myself to give it all up because she told me that she didn’t want to live with me anymore. Even though the plan was “she moves » she finds a house » I find a job and move with her”, the plans have suddenly changed. I felt a maddening rage. It was a true stab in the back. I told her that, but she answered that it was only for a while. Eventually, she started saying that she was having second thoughts about that move and/but she now wants me to move with her most than anything.

The problem is I’ve been applying for jobs so I could move, but 4 months have passed and I didn’t get a single answer. She says she misses me, she’s been looking the Internet for some jobs to which I could apply, but it’s really not looking good.

Right now I feel the separation has lost it’s positive effect, and it’s tearing us apart. What should I do? Should I go and apply for the lowest job possible granting at least that I’m staying with her – probably resenting that I gave up my carreer when she didn’t even think twice about moving, or should I stay where I am and continue my life even though I feel there’s no future for us if I stay here. The worst is that I that I lost my job this week, and I’m staying at home alone, at the house we bought together and where we both should be living. If I ask her to return, or even if she does on her own initiative, I’ll feel guilty that she abandoned a really great opportunity just because of me.

Right now I’m only applying to job opportunities at that foreign country, which makes me feel my life is on pause because of “us”. We’ve been talking on Skype almost everyday, but it all starts to look repetitive and leading nowhere. Should she be the one to make a move? Should I expect that from her? Should I move and try to find a job at the site, even if it’s washing dishes?

Andrew writes:

It is really tough to be dealing with ILYB and living in separate countries – let alone to have all the rejection of losing your job thrown in on top of that.

So what should you do? Let’s start on the job front. When you lose a job, you need structure and focus or you can easily slip into depression and hoplessness. So make certain that you get up each day at the same time and have a routine. Your new job is to find work. So set aside a couple of hours in the morning and afternoon to look for openings, speak to all your friends to find leads and meet up with old colleagues too. Personally, I think you should be looking both where you live and where you girlfriend lives. Don’t close down any avenue.

Next, I think you need to try and get away from ‘expect’ and ‘should’. It sounds like you have some expectations of  your partner  (like living with you or moving back) and these build up into resentments and bitterness. Who says anything should happen? Where is it written? If what you mean is: ‘I would like’ that’s fine. You can tell your partner and discuss it with her. Of course, she in turn has the right to say no. And you can negotiate on what happens next. If everything is done in an assertive way (rather than emotional blackmail or manipulation) and someone agrees to do something (rather than be forced), there is no reason to turn round and be angry when stuff doesn’t go right (because we have taken responsibility for our own decisions rather than blaming someone else).

So please look at ‘Resolve your differences’ as it explains how to be assertive and improve your communication because when everything is out in the open (rather than sighs and looks) and discussed (rather than resented or your fears buried) relationships are always more intimate and loving.

Since posting this reply, I’ve had another letter from this correspodent which I think will help other people:

Since I sent you my e-mail, things have developed so brutally that I felt the urge to contact you again.

I’m reading your answer to my post at my girlfriend’s house abroad. Yes, I’ve decided to come to meet her for a week and a half, a time that should be used for us to reconnect and for me to try to get a job here so I could finally move with her (we had be living together for almost 2 years when she accepted to a job proposal abroad). Well, I arrived yesterday with my hopes really high – after all, we’ve been sending each other romantic e-mails all day, saying how much we’re yearning for this day to come, like two teenagers in love.

So, when I arrived at the airport and saw her I was expecting a little fireworks. What I got was a brief hug. My heart fell to the ground. It felt like we were two strangers on our way towards her home. The mood was very gloomy. I wondered what had happened to all that excitment…. All this happended to days ago. We went to bed without kissing, and making love was absolutely out of the equation. I asked her why wouldn’t we even kiss goodnight, so she gave me a really fast kiss and turned to the other side.

The next morning we a had a “typical moment”. She started making the bed, making sure she was sighing loud enough so I could hear. Apparently I should have done it myself, or at least be helping. I told her that I had been washing the dishes and that she could have called me for help, for what she answered that she doesn’t have to tell me everything, that I should know things.

Ten minutes afterwards I remembered a watch I had bought her, so I went to get it. She dropped it to the floor, and it seemed like it stopped working. She asked me “what now, what do we do about the watch?”. I replied “we should take it to a store to see if it’s broken”. She said all stores were closed and asked again what should we do. I said that in that case, I didn’t know. Perhaps waiting for monday. That’s when she replied that I never helped her with anything.

Similar episodes corroded the whole day, and by the evening I couldn’t take it anymore and burst into tears (if I recall it properlly, for I was so mad with rage and helplessness) and I told her that I so tired of trying so hard to get things right with us and always feeling alone. That’s when she started crying also, said she was so sorry and that she didn’t want to make me suffer anymore. That we should end it all. That she couldn’t give me what I wanted, that she didn’t see me as a lover anymore but as a friend, and that she was even avoiding kissing me.

After a short period of reccovering from the the shock (those words always strike you as a novelty, even though I had heard them once before), I told her about your book. Her first reaction was “it’s not a book that will change how I feel. We’ve tried everything, and nothing’s ever going to change. I don’t want you to come to live here with me and change your whole life for a person who doesn’t love you”.

I went for a nightwalk to clear my mind. I remebered a section of your book about confrontation and as soon as I arrived home I asked what was it about me that picked so much on her nerves. She looked at me with a boring expression, “here it goes again. You and your boring conversations that lead nowhere. Can we please not talk about it? I’m tired of talking. It seems that all we do is talk”. Then I remembered “the five languages of love” and after doing the exercise you recommend, I came to know that “caring actions” were the number one language for her. I related that with her father never helping her mother at home, and how she hated it. I told her that probably she’s afraid that I turn to be like her father, and that’s why she was always picking on me about never helping at home. She confessed that there was truth in that.

We managed to talk for a while, but in the end I told her how I was seeing things – “I feel that even if we could make anything good of these days we still have here together, distance will eventually tear us apart again. I’m tired of trying. I think I should move up with my life even if it hurts me as much as it does. I love you but I don’t think we can make it. Perhaps if we were together we could travel this path, specially now that I know what I’m doing. I now believe that all relations can be saved and that the ILYB is not a fatality but something we could work on. But not like this, not 3.000kms away. I’m taking the first plane tomorrow and I’m moving out of your life.”

She asked me not to do it. That she wasn’t ready for it. I asked what did that mean. She replied that she wasn’t 100% percent sure she wanted to lose me.

So here I am. I decided I will stay for the whole week as planned. I’ll try to do some “caring actions” and see if I can only get her to kiss me again. But the truth is my mind is already thinking on a plan B. It seems I say this lighthearted, but I’m going through a lot of grief.

She said she was going to read your book – “I Love You But I’m Not In Love With You”, so I’m waiting on anything good to happen.

But then again, how long will it last? I really loved your book, and it changed me as a person and I believe your insights will stay with me for the rest of my life, but there’s not really any directions as far as going through the ILYB at a long distance.

I thank you and hope that my particular case as well as your answer can help all the readers that are going through the same situation. It’s really tough…

Thanks for your comments and questions, I have tried to address some of your issues about long-distance relationship in another letter, so please read ‘ Tring for a long distance reconciliation’.

I have read what you said in The Single Trap and on this site about internet dates and the superiority of ‘mixing’ and do really agree that meeting for real is far better.   However, I live at the opposite end of Britain from yourself, and the population is much more sparse. There is less going on, people are perhaps more reserved.  I work in a female dominated profession, and my friends are all very settled down.  Plus, I have 2 school-age teenager at home who I can’t abandon to fend for themselves that much,  I’m the age I am, and I’m almost 6 feet tall so my options are definitely limited.  I do go out and about when I can, but I can’t remember the last time I met any kind of a single unattached man, even from the days when I was married and not looking.

So in Oct 2011, with definite reservations,  I joined a well-known dating site and was careful to use a realistic photo and describe myself and my interests to fully reflect the well-educated, ’feisty’ and informed person I really am.  I have since gone through what I think are standard stages in this-including flirting madly  on-line with the first person I spoke to- who was nice/flattering to me and put ‘x’s on his emails – which of course was immensely exciting to lonely old me.  It was a great disappointment when we actually met, and though he was perfectly nice, I learned the lesson of not ignoring ‘warning signs’ about his lifestyle and character.  Lesson learned.

Never mind, I have since met four guys-all nice, fairly attractive and all personally suitable.  One relationship I did not actively pursue because he lives 3 hours drive away other side of a high mountain range- and I had some reservations as he had already cancelled a date with me because of meeting someone (a short-lived disaster) with whom he apparently shared ‘instant chemistry’ (she was very beautiful), another immediately started talking about his ex-girlfriend who had just got back in touch with him the night before … (he was obviously smitten he admitted, and I think they are now back together).  These two, I was happy to stand back from, but I tried to leave the door open, and have been in touch with both to ask after, say Happy New Year etc., since.  Not love at first sight, but if things had been different, I would have been happy to see either again.

I also talked online to B with whom I had lots of good conversations.  We are both from a similar vaguely academic background but are from opposite sides of the art/science dichotomy and we challenged each other, him teasing and saying this meant we could never be compatible, me ‘proving’ we could, and having a more serious talk about our feelings about our kids, exes, etc.  I felt we bonded as friends, with a bit of hidden flirting this way (no email ’x’s).  But I’m now asking myself if that was because it comes easily to us both to express ourselves in writing, so were we really relating, or were we  just showing off?  (This just occurred to me!!) He’s been on this dating site and others for more than 2 years and has met/encountered loads of women, so I suppose he got good at this sort of conversation.

So we met casually for a lunch break hour, I thought he was unconventional but attractive enough, we had a good chat and at the end when I-not really knowing how to end these dates-asked “Well, do we meet again or what…?”, he immediately said “Mmm, well, I really want someone to do these outdoor things…” and this seemed to be a big problem.  His long time on the site does bear out his consistent claim to be really keen to meet someone to go in for the outdoor sports that he is into, and I am not.  However I genuinely thought (in fact I know) that if you like each other, then a compromise can be reached and new things can enrich your life in unexpected ways, and I am sure you would agree.    But I guess he didn’t feel I was irresistible enough.

I couldn’t believe that our online relationship which up to that point had been such fun was over, so carried on texting (he responded with good humour) and I suggested he come for a walk with me. We spent a pleasant, easy 4-5 hours together.  However at the end he said “You shouldn’t take this so seriously”, and –as when a few days later I later protested at this callous attitude- explained he meant that I shouldn’t make any assumptions about the future of any relationship because of early emails and dates.  (This is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I thought, how else are you supposed to tell?)

Of course, he sent a text soon after the walk to say I was nice and fun and easy to talk to – and what really hurts me – that he was “sure he could fall for me” but better not as our activities were incompatible so he didn’t want to embark on a long term romance that would be a disaster because of ‘incompatibilities’.   I am a straight talker myself and could never tell someone I enjoyed their company (never mind that I thought “I could fall for them”) if I didn’t mean it!   So I’m confused and hurt.

I think I tried to beat the dating-site system and its ‘pass/fail’ outcome by saying right at the start that I wanted to just be friends to start with, and by carrying on sending light-hearted emails to all my contacts occasionally.  This has back-fired by having to have the pain of B lately saying, as part of a longer communication, that he thought ‘something’ had come up for him at last on the dating site.   (Now I’m stuck!! I can’t let this affect me, I have to keep in touch or he’ll see through my protests just being friends,  and that I’m as jealous and hurt as I really am!! )

Another contact singled me out, seriously ensured that I wasn’t in contact with anyone else and we emailed for a 3-4 weeks, less interestingly I guess, but we met last week.  I thought he must really like me.  Again a good chat and I really liked him too.  Afterwards I texted to say very casually  that I would like to meet again ‘sometime’ ,  but got one from him to say could he have time to decide what he wants, and eventually one to say I was “good company and easy to talk to etc” but he doesn’t have time, not sure blah, blah.  So I’m sad and hurt about that relationship too but, me being me, said I’d keep in touch…

So-the core of this letter-what do people expect from these dates?   Do serious, mature, well-educated people really imagine on first meeting that they are going to be able to tell if we are going to have a long term relationship/be life partners?  My own hopes, when we meet in the flesh, only extend to considering what it would be like to sleep with them (sorry!), and maybe how they would get on with my children, and I just assume/know already that as we are getting on well and that we’re old enough to have learned to socialise and handle ourselves, that the rest would take care of itself, one way or another in the short term at least.  So ironically, I think that it’s B and the others who take all this ‘too seriously’, not me!

Or-do even decent men think that relationships are principally about looks?  I am beginning to think they must, as they almost all mention ‘chemistry’ (code for Are you good looking enough? rather than Do we really like each other?  I fear).  I am presentable, dress fashionably and make the best of myself without being high-maintenance, but I do have a fairly ordinary face, my figure is not spectacular without being noticeably overweight, and I am over 50.   So I’m feeling a little less confident than I used to.

So although the dating site seems like a Hall of Mirrors, where no relationship seems to really be what you think it is, I don’t feel this experience has been disastrous enough to leave the dating site yet, but what I’d like to ask, Andrew is-do you know of a book or other resource that would give me tools to deal with the numerous rejections that seem to be inevitable and move on while still being optimistic.  I can see that I am refusing to even accept that I have been rejected, and I stubbornly try to flog dead horses, or at least ignore the fact that they’re just refusing to get back on their hooves again!     This probably explains my patience with my husband too.

Andrew writes:

I’m afraid that some intelligent people do expect to ‘just know’ if they want to spend the rest of their lives together on just one date! They call it chemsitry or soul mates and possibly people believe in it more when they are older as they’ve been hurt so badly (and are terrified of being hurt again). Whereas, all I would want them to ask is….. do I want to meet again? I certainly wouldn’t be asking them to think ‘would I want my children to meet them!’ as that’s something I wouldn’t suggest until at least three months or maybe even six months into a relationship. It takes time to make a good connection and put down deep enough roots – and ‘looks’ have nothing to do with it.

So what’s going on? As you’ve discovered, someone showing us even a little bit of attention is a great ego boost and Internet flirting provides it round the clock. For many people, it is the equivalent of shaking hands. So please take the advice of your friend and not take anything on line or in emails too seriously.

I’m afraid, I don’t know of any good books on Internet dating – but perhaps other readers of this site can make recommendations. However, I can offer some targetted advice. Personally, I would shorten the amount of time texting or emailing – so there is less expectation of ‘knowing’ each other and less diappointment if it doesn’t go anywhere when you meet. Next, I would look at how you describe these events to yourself. If you call it ‘rejection’ then it will seem horrible but  if you just say ‘it didn’t work out’ – then it is not so personal or hurtful.

Finally, I would accept that older people are less flexible about their wishes and needs – and perhaps that’s not such a bad thing. So although I agree with you that it’s possible to compromise – and enjoy the company of an outdoors guy – it would most probably be better to find someone who complements you more. When we’re teenagers, we have all the time in the world and can head down some deadends but at fifty something, we need to make every second count – especially as soon (with raising children over) your relationship will be centre stage. So it needs to be able to stand up to scrutiny and be great - not just OK.

Maybe that’s the lesson, not that you flog dead horses, but that you don’t expect enough and are too happy to settle?

Further to my reply:

Gus from the Netherlands writes and suggests:

Glicken, Morley D. Mature friendships, love, and romance : a practical guide to intimacy for older adults. Publisher: Praeger (2010).

Book Description

ISBN-10: 0313382425 | ISBN-13: 978-0313382420 | Publication Date: June 2, 2010

Written to appeal to men as well as women, Mature Friendships, Love, and Romance: A Practical Guide to Intimacy for Older Adults is a serious book about love, romance, intimacy, and sexuality, as well as friendship and family. It is about what happens when older adults lack close relationships and about practical ways to address that isolation and loneliness.

Through personal stories and vignettes, readers will see how notions of friendship, intimacy, and love change as we age, what mature love is, and what factors can make it challenging. Among the topics discussed are late-life divorces and breakups of long-term relationships; finding new and intimate friendships; resolving problems with adult children that can emerge when you enter a new, loving relationship; and choosing activities to increase your pool of potential friends and mates. Internet dating is addressed, as are the general thoughts and actions of happy people who agree life can start at 60.