Here is your opportunity to have your say on the phenomena of falling out of love. What is your personal experience? Why do you think it is becoming more common? Which exercises have you found useful?
This is section is also a forum for readers to support each other through the experience of either falling out of love or coping with a partner who has fallen out of love with you.
To participate, simply add your comments using the form at the bottom of this page. Please note that all comments are moderated and as such there will be a delay before they are published.
If only I had read your book at the start of the relationship - it should be handed out to couples as they get married.
My partner of almost 5 years has told me she loves me but is not in love with me. It has been almost 2 weeks and since then, i have moved out and she is taking all the steps for her to move on. earlier she told me that she didnt know if in the future this could work out, and she seems very confident that this is what she wants right now- her space and to be alone. I am taking the steps necessary to focus on me right now and have realized where the relationship went wrong. For her its “too late” to fix and she strongly believes (right now) that its beyond fixing. I understand that right now this is what she wants, but how will i know if she is willing to reconcile? How will i know how much time to give her? Is it wrong for me to have faith and hope that one day we can start over? I have such strong beliefs in our relationship, and i will fight for it. i just want to start understanding what she might be going through right now, and whats going on in her head. i obviously cant ask her these questions because she has told me over and over this is what SHE needs and she needs to be selfish and think of herself for a change. Is there anyone out there who is in her position right now that can give me advise?
I wish I had this book when I noticed the disconnect with my husband…
I have been with my husband for over 14 years… we met in highschool and married at 19. Things have been good for the past 11 years, but the spark was lost. We have been going to school, working, and basically living as room mates. I’d come home and cook, do some light cleaning maybe watch TV, and he’d do his own thing. We rarely spoke about anything. Our sex life was average, but nothing over the top…we were always both too tired to do anything. We have no children… our life had become basically boring; and then he met someone at work that he started spending time with behind my back. When I found out about them he told me they were just friends and that she had a fiancé’ and that they just enjoyed each others company…but he kept her a secret from me…so right then I knew there was trouble. Things just got progressively worse as I saw him spending more time on the phone and text and email with her. He started leaving the house without telling me where he was going and he started avoiding my phone calls and then one day he blurted it out… “I love you, but I’m not in love with you…and haven’t been happy for years”. I was devastated. The news was so hard to take and still is…. this is the love of my life… how could he say this to me? How could he not love me the way I love him? Once this news broke, I asked him if he thought he could ever fall in love with me… and if not…maybe we should think about separating or divorce… this was the wrong move… because his response was “I think we should get a divorce”…I asked him if he wanted to go to counselling, I asked him if he was sure and he said no to counselling and confirmed that he was sure. From this point the slope got steeper and we continued to go down hill as a couple… his behaviour got worse and I decided to make a move…so I moved out…BIGGER MISTAKE. Moving out caused him to spend more time with the person he met at work and eventually they became more than friends…I started going to counselling on my own to get help with coping and once he heard I was getting counselling he started getting counselling too… we are still married, but living separate and we have NO CLUE if we will get back together… but after reading this book… I wish I would have had this information before I EVER made a move…. it may have saved my marriage… now it may be too late!
Andrew writes:
It is never too late to approach someone with an open heart and with no recriminations. If you feel that you have something to apologise for or regrets about things you’ve done: tell him. Then really listen to him and try and get inside his shoes, then listen some more until he is all talked out. Finally, the door is open to discuss where you go from here. To me, this woman sounds more like a cry for help than an exit affair. What do other people think? Over to you
This advise is from Gus from the Netherlands: ‘If you want to drive a car you must have a driving licence. To get a driving licence you must do practical experience in driving a car with the help of a driving instructor. Also you must have the understanding of the traffic rules which are applied during driving the car. When you have enough practical experience in driving a car and have knowledge of the traffic rules you can do a driving examine. If you pass the examine you will get your driving licence and you will be able to drive a car. This procedure should be the same for those who wants a long-lasting relationship with someone. I would advice them to get training (with the goals like: knowledge of human behaviour/culture and able to communicate correctly with others) so that they learn how to participate in healthy relationship.’
Andrew writes:
Good advice from Gus but sadly too many people are frightened to look under the bonnet because they’re frightened what they’ll find. However if you are brave and follow Gus’ advice, you will have many years of happy motoring and a good relationship.
If you’re thinking of splitting up, there is an alternative:
Has the situation between you and your partner reached the point that you dread going home and separating seems the only answer. Don’t despair, there could be another solution as this review - posted on amazon - for ‘ I love you but I’m not in love with you’ shows:
“It occurred to me that rather than reading books about how to break up ’successfully’ (whatever that means!), perhaps I should buy a book reflecting the situation hubby and me found ourselves in. Rings off, house for sale - such a labryinth of unhappiness, just awful. This book is a breath of fresh air and like nothing I have read before - it definitely told me lots of new stuff. It was like it was written for us - reflecting what we were going through and most importantly helped me to understand some of the reasons why we had got there and how to CHANGE those reasons I could and ACCEPT those reasons I couldn’t. This book made an immediate impact and just 2 months later we celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary by putting our rings back on. One of the ‘best buys’ of my life.”
Thanks for the great review and the feed back. Next time I get stuck writing my next book, I will picture you celebrating your 12th anniversary and press on.
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