Andrew G Marshall

Andrew writes:

It is never too late to approach someone with an open heart and with no recriminations. If you feel that you have something to apologise for or regrets about things you’ve done: tell him. Then really listen to him and try and get inside his shoes, then listen some more until he is all talked out. Finally, the door is open to discuss where you go from here. To me, this woman sounds more like a cry for help than an exit affair. What do other people think? Over to you

This advise is from Gus from the Netherlands: ‘If you want to drive a car you must have a driving licence. To get a driving licence you must do practical experience in driving a car with the help of a driving instructor. Also you must have the understanding of the traffic rules which are applied during driving the car. When you have enough practical experience in driving a car and have knowledge of the traffic rules you can do a driving examine. If you pass the examine you will get your driving licence and you will be able to drive a car. This procedure should be the same for those who wants a long-lasting relationship with someone. I would advice them to get training (with the goals like: knowledge of human behaviour/culture and able to communicate correctly with others) so that they learn how to participate in healthy relationship.’

Andrew writes:

Good advice from Gus but sadly too many people are frightened to look under the bonnet because they’re frightened what they’ll find. However if you are brave and follow Gus’ advice, you will have many years of happy motoring and a good relationship.

If you’re thinking of splitting up, there is an alternative:

Has the situation between you and your partner reached the point that you dread going home and separating seems the only answer. Don’t despair, there could be another solution as this review – posted on amazon -  for ‘ I love you but I’m not in love with you’ shows:

“It occurred to me that rather than reading books about how to break up ‘successfully’ (whatever that means!), perhaps I should buy a book reflecting the situation hubby and me found ourselves in. Rings off, house for sale – such a labryinth of unhappiness, just awful. This book is a breath of fresh air and like nothing I have read before – it definitely told me lots of new stuff. It was like it was written for us – reflecting what we were going through and most importantly helped me to understand some of the reasons why we had got there and how to CHANGE those reasons I could and ACCEPT those reasons I couldn’t. This book made an immediate impact and just 2 months later we celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary by putting our rings back on. One of the ‘best buys’ of my life.”

Thanks for the great review and the feed back. Next time I get stuck writing my next book, I will picture you celebrating your 12th anniversary and press on.

This next poster is from John who is in a philosophical mood:

In terms of non-relative (i.e not parent/child) love…

Love is not selfish, nor altruistic, nor utilitarian. Is not about society, nor family, or religion. Love is about the individual. Freedom. Who we are. Who YOU are. An expression of who you are. Like an artist picking up a paint brush and realizing a love to paint. Creating. Free. Take away their paint brush and they are unfree. And real love between people is special in that they are free together, and unfree apart. Not themselves apart. And what they create is love. A special part of each of them born of their bond. Inate, but shared. That can never really be taken away. But can be suppressed, shamed, banned, compromised. Like a boy loving to dance ballet but being shamed and embarrassed by family, classmates. But his passion for it still remains. When those who love are kept apart, or driven away -by laws, society, family, religious, by intolerance- What we really lose is freedom, ourselves.

I know these are just works of fiction, but I think love exists like it does in The Notebook, in Brokeback Mtn. I think these stories put a face to why the characters couldn’t break their bond… because it was part of who they were. Almost a scientific way proving something by taking something away.

http://crazyweasel.blogspot.com

Arguing and love is under debate from my next correspondent:

Arguing with your partner is an important component of a healthy relationship. A relationship without arguing, the relationship becomes boring and it will be a kind of a brother-sister relationship.
Andrew’s said in his book “I Love You But I’m Not in Love With You” (Bloomsbury, 2007) that arguing is an important part of a healthy partnership; it uncovers the issues that rally matter and enables partners to distinguish between minor irritations and serious problems. An argument creates the impetus to speak out, cuts through excuses, and finally creates a sense that “something must be done”
But, in their book “Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love” (Orion Publishing Group, 2009) the authors pair Allan &; Barbara Pease recommends that you should first have some hefty arguments with your potential partner before you move to a permanent commitment.

Andrew writes: The Peases are right – arguing is just as important for new relationships as long running ones. In fact the difference between couples who date just a couple of time and those who commit is the former can’t bring up and resolve issues while the latter can. There’s more about this research in The Single Trap.

More thoughts from Gus….

In the USA, Great Britain and in Australia (but not yet implemented in the Dutch education system), there are growing tendency of marriage and relationship education programmes (for example: LoveU2: Getting smarter about relationships. M. Pearson. Berkeley, CA: The Dibble Institute for Marriage Education, 2007) developed for teenagers, adolescents and adults. Some of the reasons to develop these programmes are to improve healthy relationships between romantic partners, reduce teenage pregnancy and to stop abusive relationships.
In some of these programmes (for example in: LoveU2: Getting smarter about relationships) the participants are taught to avoid cohabitation before marriage. In the article “Should We Live Together? – What Young Adults Need to Know about Cohabitation before Marriage” (D. Popenoe and B. Dafoe Whitehead. The National Marriage Project: 2002) the authors explains: that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. What’s more, it shows that the rise in cohabitation is not a positive family trend.
Cohabiting unions tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose special risks for women and children. Specifically, the research indicates that:

+ Living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage.
+ Living together outside of marriage increases the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children.
+ Unmarried couples have lower levels of happiness and well-being than married couples.

My question is, is living together a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce, or are the recent social science evidence telling us that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce?

Andrew writes: Thanks Gus interesting thoughts. What do others think? For me, I think there is a big difference between people who live together for a short time – probably about eighteen months on the journey to making the bigger commitment of marriage and those who both feel living together is enough and don’t need the seal of the state. Finally, there are couples where one partner wants marriage but the other doesn’t – this is definitely problematic and often a recipe for unhappiness.

I’ve not read any of your works, but I plan to do so shortly.

Could it be correct to assume that Homo sapiens are essentially the
only mammals that attempt to practice monogamy? Is it not apparent that
the vast majority of those living in the West actually practice, what I
call “sequential monogamy”? During the past decades it is commonplace
for couples to “experiment” living together, often ending that state
and shortly repeating with another partner. Official marriages and their
divorces do not reflect the continuous common “living together” for
a while to see whether marriage might result or even a child. More women
are having children on their own and until recently welfare societies, esp.
in Europe (particularly Scandinavia) make having a child as a single
mother possible.

Many younger women have told me that from their environment, they must
figure on one day being on their own. As divorces are largely (some say
80% or so) initiate divorce proceedings, living under one’s own steam
has become routine – at least until now. The economic decline may and
probably already has begun to change that scene.

(PS: I’m a retired clinical pharmacologist and because of my personal
experiences and having lived and worked in 6 countries while traveling
extensively and frequently throughout Europe and other places beyond,
I’ve been often asked for all kinds of advice on personal relationships.
Thus I hope to expand my insights reading some of your works.)

Andrew writes: I do hope that you will read my books, as I think they will make you feel a little more optimistic about relationships. Yes, we do expect a lot, but that makes us aim high – which I think is a good thing. The problem is that we are not taught all the necessary skills for making a relationship work and we expect love and passion to just ‘magically’ sort everything out.

So I’ve dedicated myself to teaching those skills, explaining how love goes wrong and how to come back from the brink. I’m really hopeful about tomorrow, the more people have these skills, the more they will pass onto their children and although we’ll still glory in the power of love, we will not expect it to a simple ‘save all’.

Happy reading.