Who would benefit from the Single Trap?
Any one who is fed up with pretending that citrus-scented baths, moist chocolate brownies and freshly laundered sheets ‘seduce the most important person in your life - you’? It’s also for people for whom the novelty of curry from the take-away carton and non-stop football has long since worn off? There are times when being single makes sense - especially after a painful break-up - but it should be just a stop gap. Humans are social creatures. We have an almost animal need to pair off, that friendship, however good, just cannot satisfy. A loving, sensual and sexual relationship is the best refuge when the going gets tough, a springboard to personal growth and a source of strength that improves our over-all health. In an era of short term business contracts, fears about personal safety and rapid technological change, we need a partner more than ever before. Yet, it is becoming harder and harder to find the right person.
Why did you write the book?
I’ve spent twenty-five years as a marital therapist helping people make good relationships. Most of my clients are couples who need help to communicate better and rebuild broken bridges. However, a significant and growing proportion are singles who, try as they might, just can not find the right partner and divorced people who fear that they will spend the rest of their live alone. Many have asked me to recommend a book on how to find a loving relationship. So I have read a lot of self-help manuals, but have always drawn a blank. The majority of these books concentrate on game playing and tricks to make someone fall in love - which is not a good foundation for a lasting relationship. So after years of being unable to find anything to recommend, I finally decided to write one myself and answer the questions that my clients were asking: How can you be open enough to let in love but still protective enough to avoid too much pain, rejection and bitterness? What is the best way to meet people? How do you know if someone is a potential partner or whether lust and wishful thinking have sent you up a blind alley?
What makes it different from all the other books about finding love?
I have drawn on scientific research from around the world and my own therapeutic work to devise a programme that will help single people take a fresh look at their search for love, make better choices and find the right partner. I start by looking at the changes in our society over the past five years that have made finding love more difficult. It is important to understand these universal pressures. Otherwise, single people can feel ashamed of being alone or, worse still, blame themselves. As you can imagine, this undermines self-confidence and makes the search for love more difficult.
How does your programme work?
Step One is Free yourself. This section concentrates on understanding your journey up to this point, your needs and any personal issues that might be holding you back. Whether you have had a series of short-term unsatisfactory relationships or have just finished a long-term live in relationship - and fear that you will never find anyone else - there is help specially tailored to your circumstances. Step two is Finding Lasting Love. This section sets out the best way to meet a long-term partner and how to move from a successful first date into a committed long-term relationship. This is an upbeat book. My most important message is that there is somebody for everybody and my job is to help you find yours.
Can you give more details?
Perhaps the best way is to breakdown the contents of each chapter.
1. Why are there so many single people?
The changes in our society that are making it harder to find lasting love are explored, with advice to mitigate the effects and increase your chances.
2. The advantages of working on yourself before looking for love
How your first relationship with your mother and father can influence all your subsequent close relationships. If your parents have divorced, there is help unpicking the legacy and learning to trust again. This chapter also covers the art of forgiveness.
3. Long time single.
The positive mind frames of people who are successful in love and how you can acquire them too. In addition: could the strategies that help you cope with being single actually be stopping you finding love?
4. Recovering from previous relationships.
What helps and what hinders the ending an important relationship? This chapter has practical tips about moving on and advice on boosting your self-confidence.
5. Getting ready for love.
Understanding your personal search for love and help with drawing up your personal action plan. In addition, this chapter challenges the myths about love and explains how they can make your search more difficult.
6. Take a fresh look at dating
The different ways people have found partners over the last hundred years and what we can learn to make our search easier today. This chapter also looks at how current dating practices are making us blind to true love.
7. The art of mixing.
The new and less dysfunctional way to meet the right people and how the basis for a good relationship is laid down at the very beginning
8. The rhythm of relationships
How to proceed from ‘just seeing’ each other, to becoming a couple, onto moving in together, marriage or a long-term commitment. By understanding the natural cycle of relationships, you can avoid the pitfalls of pushing ahead too quickly or holding back for too long.